Cleveland Yogini

Adieu

2010-05-26T16:04:00.001-07:00

Time to close this virtual chapter.
Thanks for reading.
Love & light on your journey.
Cleveland Yogini signing off,
c.

rustbelt playground

2010-03-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

i never expected

leaning on a snow fence

alongside a highway

staring at that water

to be so comfortable

la-z-boy comfortable

traveling at breakneck speed

my head much too close to the ground

laughing to pee

your rocket booster

i tip off at the last second

careening screaming you take the jump

jumping out of the car

screaming

arms waving to raise majesty

abandoned riverfront

thousands of sea gulls

get the last laugh

temporary campfires riverside in the dark

beauty doesnt always have meaning

tell of the contradictions you see

a dying city

a former powerhouse of magnificence

kenya doesnt understand

(i'll tell you what beauty is

its in the eye of the beholder)

its what happens when he builds me a snowman

hot chocolate in the garden

arms sore from snowball fights

perfect placement

head whips forward

alley cats cheer

i gotta remember to run

zig

zag

snow down the collar retaliation

retreat!

the church will provide refuge

but these stone city churches

are long since locked

saving nobody

yoga in the soft snow

snow pants padded

learning to roll

with it

free handstands

oh sorry, i was looking at that dog

you did the Iditarod proud

mush!

ease back

praise the winter sky

tree silhouettes

with song

1am sitting in (how many chairs?)

adirondack chairs

stacked on top of kitchen tables

watching it softly snow on

christmas story land

urban dreaming

organic produce

composting

mixed with

weekly pesticide application

wasted water

dichotomy

i could care less

if my neighbor is

an 83 year old

venture capitalist

with a tux wearing butler

and a hall of armor

a study in contrasts

give me reclaimed grit anyday

kiss my fingertips

in the wee hours

The Sunrise Ruby

2010-01-30T15:57:00.000-08:00

In the early morning hour,
just before dawn, lover and beloved wake
and take a drink of water.

She asks, "Do you love me or yourself more?
Really, tell the absolute truth."

He says, "There's nothing left of me.
I'm like a ruby held up to sunrise.
Is it still a stone, or a world
made of redness? It has no resistance
to sunlight."

This is how Hallaj said, I am God,
and told the truth!

The ruby and the sunrise are one.
Be courageous and discipline yourself.

Completely become hearing and ear,
and wear this sun-ruby as an earring.

Work. Keep digging your well.
Don't think about getting off from work.
Water is there somewhere.

Submit to a daily practice.
Your loyalty to that
is a ring on the door.

Keep knocking, and the joy inside
will eventually open a window
and look out to see who's there.

-Rumi

joy truly is the greatest aphrodisiac,
c.

Give up what no longer works.

2010-01-07T11:01:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes snakes can't slough. They can't burst their old skin. Then they go sick and die inside the old skin, and nobody ever sees the new pattern. You need a real desperate recklessness to burst your old skin at last. You simply don't care when happens to you, so long as you get out." -D.H. Lawrence

tonight tonight

2009-12-11T21:24:00.000-08:00

i learned a lot this week... a lot about my body, about healing it and nurturing it. a lot about patience as i work with an injury that has dramatically altered my yoga practice as i know it... temporarily, i hope. i marvel as it is already strengthening other parts of me, physical and beyond. perhaps sometimes the limitation does become the strength. my perceived physical & emotional injuries are surely blessings because the doorways opening up are taking me even deeper. i learned a lot about the ways i hold myself back, the excuses i make, and the stories i tell myself. i rid myself of the lies ive been feeding myself for quite some time and finally, truly tuned into my heart. rediscovering what it's like to live from this place of joy, intensity, beauty, and synchronicity that i had lost has truly brought me back home to myself. i was reminded of the important lesson that our experience is defined by what we choose to see. the past is now, the pain is now, the beauty is now, the great big love is now, it's all right here, right now. being present.

mom was right (again). there is nothing like a man that can dance. tonight i danced the night away with the best partner ive had since my father. he danced me all across the floor, he twirled me, he spun me, he moved me, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, he bowed to my curtsy after every song... and as my hair spun out behind me during the last song of the night, i tuned in to hear frank singing... "if i can, make it there, i'll make it, anywhere.... it's up to you New York, New Yoooooork..." tears leaking, heart open, i realized that im done analyzing it. this scorecard i've been carrying around doesn't matter. i don't care if i made it there. because i'm here. and i wouldn't be where i am, right here, right now, without all of the very necessary, very painful experiences of this previous year. between songs, my dance partner with Down's Syndrome shared with me his dream to be on Dancing with the Stars. i learned so much from his lead. god in oh so many forms.

i knew i would arrive at this place of understanding eventually, but it took a while for me to get here on my own & i doubted frequently along the way. all of it had to happen exactly as it happened. much gratitude for all of it. just in time for a gleaming bright 2010... out with the old...

hey god, i'm ready.
c.

(don't) take your seat

2009-12-08T19:38:00.000-08:00

as i struggle with not reacting to the latest non-funny bit of lila in my life & turn another corner on the path, the first piece of yoga advice i stumble upon is this - twice in 1 day from different sources:

"The obstacles in our path are the path. Every time we stretch beyond our resistance and our fear, we make a choice for life. And every time we choose life, fear loses its grip on us. We all know more than we think we do and we are stronger than we believe ourselves to be. We come to our mats, and to our lives, to learn by going where we have to go." - Rolf Gates

changin' habits

2009-12-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

3:59am

2009-12-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

"to wear out one's intellect in an obstinate adherence to the individuality of things, not recognizing the fact that all things are one - this is called Three in the Morning." - Taoist philosopher Chuang Tzu (275 B.C.)

4am: realizing things are not separate, but One...

it is said to be the ability to face the time between 3 and 4am in the middle of the night that holds the seed, the purpose, the illumination, in our human journey.

Three in the Morning

2009-12-03T21:39:00.000-08:00

the pursuit of truth
is the loneliest path
i have ever known.

Mahasamadhi Day

2009-12-03T09:29:00.001-08:00

today marks the 7th anniversary (12/3/2002) of Hariharananda's, my Teacher's guru, mahasamadi. mahasamadhi is when an enlightened one consciously & intentionally leaves his body for the final time. i don't know how else to convey that this is different than death...

here is a video of him discussing the benefits of Kriya Yoga, filmed just a few years before he died at the Kriya Yoga ashram in Homestead:

you know what this means...

2009-12-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

act I
full moon light
shining in the skylight
lights up the bed

act II
i think of the things you said
you could not allow to happen
every time those things happen pleasantly to me

intermission
soup is being served
in the lobby
for a free donation

act III
as though i could ever forget
your birthday
happy birthday!!!

a seed of something larger

2009-12-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

"Disappointment is defined by whether what happens is close or not to what we expect. We hear ourselves uttering, "That was disappointing" as opposed to "That was a surprise." The obstacle is really our endless dowry of expectations, which we create & then feel entitled to. Expecting life to confirm to our image... often prevents us from seeing what life freshly brings us.
Failure, it seems, is disappointment allowed to root within one's self-esteem. Yet after falling down enough, after having things pass through our hands repeatedly, after having so many of life's blessings arrive from beyond the range of all our schemes and plans, it seems odd to define success or failure by whether we get what we want or by how close we land to where we aim. Quite the contrary, failure would seem to be the limitations that cap our possibilities if we get only what we want and if we touch only what we aim for." - from my new favorite book Facing the Lion, Being the Lion by Mark Nepo

less, but still, i get caught up in notions of failure. these past few months, many a time, i've tried unsuccessfully to establish some kind of final score. one day i asked for a scoreboard to clarify the relationship between my own perceptions of failed attempts & others' unsolicited proclamations of my successes. (silly girl, the game is not over... and the score doesnt matter anyways) the emotional reactions are less than they used to be but oh yes, they definitely still stop by for a spot of tea. yet lately, when i felt the negative draw down starting to happen, this idea kept recurring in front of me... different sources... much too frequently for me to not pay attention... this idea that darkness is nec'y to see the stars (generating a One Day idea for my very first interactive performance art exhibit but that's another post for another day...) perhaps pain happens to reveal the heart, to create the joy. so this last time, ive tried my hardest yet to hold space, to witness, but not to hurry or try to perceive before its time, where it all was taking me.

"Eventually the art of being awake thins our protections until we are close to having nothing left between inner and outer. It leads us into the pain-joy of being alive with nothing in the way. There is less and less between heart and world. In the morning, I am sure this is a deep blessing. By night, it seems a curse... I notice everything now, and more, I am everything I notice... we live like burn survivors screaming at the air. This too is part of being awake, this being on fire always looking for a sea. Carrying the weight of feeling and perception and having nowhere to go with it is the burden of being a watcher." - Nepo

"why am i the only one crying?" and yet, it's not sorrow... solely...

answers to questions i never before dared ask.

i have read that we write & read books for the experience of having another describe & thus validate our experiences & the associated emotions. i am so grateful for the words that have been given to me lately & cannot recall feeling the amount of passion, gratitude, and force that these words have evoked in me ever before in my life. someone has put into words and explained what i have been trying to understand/explain for most of my life. in these words, i know i am not alone in this experience. for this, i have intense gratitude.

today, once again, fleetingly, for just a moment, it all makes sense & i see. laughter bubbles. i stop looking & again it lights on my shoulder. mini enlightenment #1201. so much greater than me, im left simply grateful for my part in any of it. a tear drips to know that i helped. the witness finds no solace in the glee either. stay tuned for the next act... b'c the game is not yet over.

when the heart starts to open, aliveness and woundedness reveal themselves to be the same thing...

"It's as if what is unbreakable - the very pulse of life - waits for everything else to be torn away, and then in the bareness that only silence and suffering and great love can expose, it dares to speak through us and to us. It seems to say, if you want to last, hold on to nothing. If you want to know love, let in everything. If you want to feel the presence of everything, stop counting the things that break along the way." - Nepo

so again, i remind myself: it's about showing up, living through, letting it unfold, and doing best to stay outta the way.

"There are circumstances that must shatter you; and if you are not shattered, then you have not understood your circumstances. In such circumstances, it is a failure for your heart NOT to break. And it is pointless to put up a fight, for a fight will blind the opportunity that has been presented by your misfortune. Do you wish to persevere pridefully in the old life? Of course you do: the old life was a good life. But it is no longer available to you. It has been carried away, irreversibly. So there is only one thing to be done. Transformation must be met with transformation. Where there was the old life, let there be the new life. Do not persevere. Dignify the shock. Sink, so as to rise." - Leon Wieseltier

today as i sit & watch the sun set over the city, im resolute in knowing that the (perceived) waiting is well worth it - in fact, it's the only way.

may you know deep peace,
c.

arrival time

2009-11-30T12:02:00.000-08:00

there's a subtle avoidance
a searching outside myself
a refusal to acknowledge
to take time
that falls away
as i observe my feet
place themselves on the mat
i arrive back within myself

working on gratitude

2009-11-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity… It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. -Melodie Beattie

Witness

2009-11-27T06:53:00.000-08:00

When I can be the witness
all manner of miracles occur -
old wounds heal, the past
reveals itself to be released,
present dramas play themselves
out without sinking emotional
talons into my soft skin. The
witness welcomes truth and dares
to meet reality on its
own terms. It is the ground
in which the seeds of
transformation take root
and finally flower. When
the witness is awake, the
lake of the mind is still, and
in that mirrored surface,
I see my own true face
as Spirit smiling back at me.
-Danna Faulds, from Go In & In

carrying the buddha

2009-11-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

"A rabbi asks his students, "How do you know the first moment of dawn has arrived?" After a great silence, one pipes up, "When you can tell the difference between a sheep & a dog." The rabbi shakes his head no. Another offers, "When you can tell the difference between a fig tree & an olive tree." Again, the rabbi shakes his head no. There are no other answers. The rabbi circles their silence & walks between them, "You know the first moment of dawn has arrived when you look into the eyes of another human being & see yourself." - Mark Nepo

last year, about this time, i went to see a friend in Toronto. i bought a 2-foot tall, 30-ish pound concrete buddha in some funky Eastern-inspired store on Queen Street & carried it quite a ways back to the car. the reception that i received from people along the way struck me... people moving aside to let buddha pass, others with hands together acknowledging, or sending big grins in my direction. as i put Buddha in the trunk, i realized i had just experienced full-blown Namaste... and i wondered why it isn't always this way, why a stone statue was nec'y to create a sense of connection amongst urban strangers... and heaven forbid it be nec'y for me to routinely carry a heavy statue to directly experience interconnectedness!

shopping for Thanksgiving foodstuffs yesterday, i was struck by the communal sense of holiday, glee, smiles, politeness, well wishes... and that's when i decided i want to live like this 365!

starting now! so this year, i'm embarking on Holiday Namaste 2009! you're invited to join me in carrying the buddha. you will be supported in this venture in my classes & in my posts here. i encourage you in turn to share your experiences with me & thereby the others journeying with us. the holidays can be a trying time for many, when emotions ramp up and many of us shut down or wallow in what we perceive lacking in our lives. this year, it's about choosing to allow that holiday feelin' in! this is beyond materialism. i'm not even telling you to put a few coins in that bell-ringing red kettle... but look the Salvation Army volunteer in the eye & acknowledge them! let your heart-lovin' shine out to all the strangers and people you encounter. live the yoga, the union. live Namaste. it's the time of year that no one will think you crazy, others' high spirits will encourage your own, and this will be training for continuing such mutual respect long past when the last of the tinsel is swept out of the house. gaze into the light of your fellow human beings while you gaze upon the holiday lights. allow the levity of the season to lift you a little higher. "it is in giving that we receive and in receiving that we give..."

happy holidays. here's to cracking open even wider,
c.

how to do this.

2009-11-24T11:36:00.000-08:00

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.
~ John Wesley

thank you.

2009-11-23T20:12:00.000-08:00

i'm so grateful for:

this body that moves!

the amazing work i'm called to do!

ordinary moments that reveal epiphanies!

blissful inspiring company

paths that teach the lessons i need to learn

daily opportunities to be in the flow, say yes!,
& crack open a little more!

... He plays His flute & we all dance along...
I felt the light of the sun
and this heart that I thought had just died
Started coming slowly alive
I believe in faith
Only in the darkness can you see the stars ablaze
-T.H.

humbled & overflowing with gratitude,
c.

Tensions of Awakening

2009-11-16T15:46:00.000-08:00

To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. This requires not only courage, but also a strong faith. -Henri Nouwen

"More than once I have encountered what I thought was failure, only to realize later that had I been given what I asked for, it would have buried my soul - work that wasn't really mine, upholding relationships that were never really what I thought they were, loyalties to maps bequeathed to me by lonely dreamers who wanted me to find what they could never. For a loving person, I must confess I have had a lot of relationships fail. Of course, over a lifetime, relationships will fail or run their course. But still, as I walk on yet another morning shore, watching the gulls fight and ride the wind, I can't help but wonder, was it me?
I think in most cases, I was standing by my core, finding myself inevitably in a place where loving on the terms required began to violate and damage that core. I suppose those beautiful souls I was drawn to love thought they were standing by their core. What if both are true? Is this another paradox about heartache to bare and bear? Is this all part of the inevitable journey toward the brutally exquisite fact of being here?"
- excerpted from Facing the Lion, Being the Lion - Finding Inner Courage Where It Lives by Mark Nepo

feel it all.

2009-11-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

sooner or later, pain must be experienced.
feel it.
this doesn't mean attach or get carried away by the story... simply: feel it.
in the race, pain will always win. keep stride.

you can't always get what you want...

2009-11-13T21:24:00.000-08:00

my confidence wanes.
people who i touched months ago reappear
to attest how helpful whatever i did was...
point taken.

"faith is taking the first step
when you cant see the rest of the staircase"
-MLK Jr
ive got less than 24 hours
to start stepping

this is it
edge of abyss nearing
no turning back now
seems ive got a calling
to answer

flute violin piano
black tie cleveland orchestra trio
ohmy
beauty brings a tear to my eye
for i know of what they sing
tell me to stop missing you

love,
Delicious

2009-11-10T21:13:00.000-08:00

"If you bring out what is inside you,
what is inside will save you.
If you fail to bring out what is inside you,
what is inside you will destroy you."
-Gnostic Gospels

one of them nights. words flow. hours pass. stars twinkle. world sleeps.

being called to do big work. dare that sound brave, im typing this from under my bed. ;) thankfully, when i am too scared to make the phone call, the phone rings. within 48 hours, i've received all this:

- you are already healed. there is nothing missing or broken. All One. you are divine.
- mother earth needs your shit. it's her fertilizer. through some misconstrued guilt or worry, we have stopped giving these aspects to her. she knows what to do with it. she is begging for it from us & we are withholding. give her the fertilizer. there is a time to burn, to allow new life to issue forth. next year's new growth springs forth from what we allow to die now.
- imagine a life free from guilt & worry. guilt is usually a past-focused emotion, worry generally future-based. enjoy the energy you have to focus elsewhere when you free yourself of these (worthless?) emotions.
- sometimes in life we make hard decisions and these decisions close doors. you went down that path for a reason, learned what you needed to learn there. how much longer you gonna stand staring at that closed door? walk away! *fingernails dragging on the floor*
- Ganesh removes obstacles. (hey Ganesh! i can't see the path for all these obstacles!) but it is often our limitations that reveal our greatest strengths. the owner put a bell around the neck of his cat that hunted too well. this bell only increased the cat's stealth until he could hunt & kill - even more productively than before - w/o making a sound. the most difficult things that have happened to you will reveal your greatest strengths.
- Ganesh is often shown carrying a tusk - it's one of his own that he ripped off in anger & threw at the moon. the moon threw it back. he carries it as a reminder of where he has been & the tribulations he has faced.
- many people can ignore their worries and fears until nighttime. the moments before sleep are some of our most precious, as these moments set the stage for our next X hours of subconscious activity. instead of setting yourself up for nighttime anxiety and nightmares, think about what it is that you're working toward in life. spend some time feeling as you will when this happens. fall asleep in this frame of mind, using your sleep time to program these positive habits/reactions into your subconscious.
- the universe will naturally return to a place of rest. it takes a lot to fight, to stay angry and bitter. dont waste the energy.
- accept responsibility for what happened. even more importantly, accept responsibility for YOUR reactions & emotions about whatever happened.
- forgive. first yourself. then the other person(s) involved. there is great freedom in forgiveness.
- stand back. big waves wash over. let it come. then get up. and serve.

momma, these hips hurt.

He fixed both my wings and taught me how to fly...
c.

haiku for M2

2009-11-07T19:14:00.000-08:00

november sunburn
topless acceleration
hair smells of sunshine

what is it that you're looking for...?

2009-11-06T13:43:00.001-08:00

'This very moment is the perfect teacher,' is really a profound instruction. Just seeing what's going on - that's the teaching right there. Awareness is found in our pleasure & our pain, our confusion & our wisdom. It's available in each moment of our weird, unfathomable, ordinary lives. -Pema Chodron

...the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself. -Pema Chodron

Where will you find some help? Inside yourself! Don't you see this is just the trouble - everybody is waiting for help from outside, and as everybody is expecting help and not giving it, nobody gets help. But if everybody would give help, everybody would receive it too. Then the whole world could be freed from suffering! -Elisabeth Haich

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."-Ernest Hemingway

the ladybugs sho are loud today,
c.

happy full moon

2009-11-02T17:07:00.001-08:00

have someone read it aloud to you or read it aloud to yourself... and savor.
mmm
ecstatically,
c.

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with

our whole lives, the touch of

spirit on the body. Seawater

begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately

it needs some wild darling!

At night, I open the window and ask

the moon to come and press its

face against mine. Breathe into

me. Close the language door and

open the love window. The moon

won't use the door, only the window.

-Rumi.

2009-10-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

Wiley

Forest City blues
on a school night
weeknight crooning
sweet medicine
heals the heart

Muse walks in
takes a stool at the bar
next to the leashed cat
orders a drink
smooth scotch

strangers howling like
owwwwoooooooooooooo
London Werewolves
Reiki Lullabye
Cleveland Love Song

illustrating the many
shades of gray
"if Picasso had a Gray Period,
it would have happened
in Cleveland"

gray:
the indistinguishable line between
Lake
Shoreway
and sky

a 6-piece band
been there
done that
with 2 of 'em
Welcome Home, baby!

i don't remember
where we've met
but i always know
never forget name or face
or place

God Bless 'Em!
French Quarter calling
it's ok
it's after 9
my minutes are free

your bluesy trumpet of
Mark Twain's ghost
makes me want to get naked
naked inverted human pyramids
kinda naked

intuitively understanding
women balance with the moon
men draw strength from the sun
his corona
shines all over my body

like a flip book
Kerouac
Youngstown
blue flames
dance before my eyes

legacies of passion and labor
Train Avenue shortcuts
sundering is my past
unity my future
body grooves

energy in that old bar
flows apart
ebbs together
new friends
take reticent leave

No Matter

Monday night magic
consistently proves
the importance of spending weekends
resting up for weeknights

she sang those blues like nothin'
a mix of Ella and Janis and...
Robert Plant
soul sings & nerves dance

you came home in the morning
that's not a shock
i wonder if it was
when your key didn't fit in the lock!

your picture made my stomach turn
gleefully
love letters accidentally found
made me laugh out loud

the sense of coming home
to myself
how do you live
with yourself?

scaredy-cat

2009-10-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

in celebration of scary things this week, download this podcast from The Interdependence Project in NYC - No Fear of Fear. i loved his discussion of Rinpoche's categorizations of fear & how we react. let it serve as a reminder that we're all One... as so fantastically expressed here.
be brave! be courageous!
c.

house in the woods

2009-10-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

i stumbled upon it deep in the woods as i rounded a curve in the path
miles from any road or neighbor
stone walls chimney & brick well remained
inhabitants long since having departed
sitting in front of the hearth
pondering the silence of the woods
what life and love were celebrated here?
what dreams promises and prayers were whispered in this place?
[a snarky blue jay answered me with its laughing call
reminding me that all of this temporal world fades away]

gaze straight ahead

2009-10-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

Beginning Anew by Thich Nhat Hanh "Beginning anew means being determined not to repeat the negative things we have done in the past. A new era begins when we commit ourselves to living in mindfulness. When we vow to ourselves, "I am determined not to behave as I did in the past," transformation occurs immediately."

last week's class focus on choices took me on a wild ride. if you missed it live and in person, join me as i re-visit... i promise incomplete sentence structure & a constant variation between 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person. ;) be warned that it gets harsh. recall that this is my own repository of thought progression. i make it public hoping but not promising that... may it be of benefit.

it begins by showing up. *deep breath* by getting present in this very moment. making a conscious decision to SHOW UP & bring all parts of you HERE, including the parts of you stuck in past/future thoughts, the parts of your brain still engaging in that conversation you just had or WANT to have...

tune in to the breath. the breath acts as the doorway to bring you to this very moment.

harnessing all of ourselves sets the mindful stage for our practice... allowing space to look at those things we dont want to, to face what we dont necessarily want to see or acknowledge, and also to get to know the beautiful bits, the juicy parts, the glowing life that makes us each unique.

showing up & bringing ALL of ourselves - our junk, our skills & talents, are inherent goodness - is what creates the sangha or spiritual community. a group of like-minded people, gathering together to sort out this thing called life, and offer support to one another on our journeys.

when we live in our truth, we start trusting ourselves. when we live from this place, we trust that we are doing our best... and so we are able to trust that we are making the best choices we know how, moment to moment. living, breathing, & functioning from this place allows us to trust that there are no right or wrong decisions. regret & remorse vanish, replaced with forgiveness ("there is a lot of freedom in forgiveness" - Cheyne) and acceptance.

life is a series of choices. we don't suddenly find ourselves in poor health, overweight, in debt, or having broken the fidelity in our own relationships or not having honored the commitments another has made in theirs. besides lottery winners, most of the envied, successful, healthy, happily-married people we encounter have not landed there simply by luck. regardless of your reality, i'm willing to bet you worked quite diligently to get there - rather you were mindful of your actions or not. society often extols the good life while ignoring the work it takes, & then lets lets us off the hook for our circumstances, failing to remind us that most often it was a series of choices that got us to the place where life is no longer bearable. the teachings gently guide us back to the true path, and our sangha stands witness, as we set about making better choices that will allow our life situations to again be breathe-able.

the beauty is inherent. we have the option - at any moment - to show up and make our best choice. this realization is not always easy, not always pleasant... but the rewards are infinite.

talking about this for over a week carried my own private mental evaluation from a macro level to the subtle layers. what started out as did i make the right choice about life decisions... moving, relationships, work... landed me in the present moment... and i started to directly experience how the thoughts i choose to think, the words i choose to say, the moment-to-moment actions i choose to take, immediately define my experience... and the effect my momentary choices combine to have on my mood, my energy, my next thought. my mind is like a muddy field after a truck pull, so criss-crossed with the tracks of habitual samskaras. i see the path forward and it is both gradual & crystal clear. but i'm rooted HERE, NOW & that's enough.

Gurudev: i begrudingly admit that as always you are correct: our troubles are blessings.
c.

speaking my peace

2009-10-25T20:41:00.001-07:00

i wanted her to go away. i thought about leaving. neither happened.
i didn't want to reach out to her, yet i made a conscious decision to engage. afterward, she went on her way & i forgot the encounter. she did not. reportedly, it changed her course. her thankful acknowledgment caused a ripple through my world, making others privy to what happened - & they expressed how this big fat happiness ripple, that i was being credited with starting, had affected them.
they sought my reaction, my story about what happened during this brief interaction between strangers, but i remained silent as i wrestled with the fact that i had NOT wanted to reach out, that i had desired to be selfish and remain enmeshed in my own experience, rather that widening my peace (her word) to include her in it. surely my hesitancy couldn't create something as beautiful as that which she was describing.
i needed to determine if my reservation mattered? did it dull the effect? was the positive end result marred by my initial negative thought?
and honestly, i was a bit unsure of what i was hearing: i could live in my peace and others profoundly experienced it just by coming into contact with me. that's the stuff of gandhi-ji. surely not me?
i never gave those people the details they wanted, but ive experienced that it is possible to act from a place beyond those sticky, intense emotions, as yoga disciplines us to do.
this time i was blessed with seeing the ripple that happens when i reach beyond myself, when i make the right choice regardless of the thought process that proceeds it, when i let the light shine, when i ignore the desire not to do so and do it anyways.
fun.
c.

solid gold dharma

2009-10-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings on the 5 Mindfulness Trainings

The First Mindfulness Training
Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and learn ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to condone any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life.

The Second Mindfulness Training
Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing and oppression, I vow to cultivate loving kindness and learn ways to work for the well being of people, animals, plants and minerals. I vow to practice generosity by sharing my time, energy and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will prevent others from profiting from human suffering or the suffering of other species on Earth.

The Third Mindfulness Training
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I vow to cultivate responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.

The Fourth Mindfulness Training
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

The Fifth Mindfulness Training
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I vow to cultivate good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking and consuming. I vow to ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being and joy in my body, in my consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicant or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain TV programs, magazines, books, films and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body or my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society and future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger and confusion in myself and in society by practicing a diet for myself and for society. I understand that a proper diet is crucial for self-transformation and for the transformation of society.

indian summer

2009-10-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

watching it Fall
ladybug camouflaged on my mat
directly beneath me
teaches mindfulness of body
during practice
her relative hitches a ride on my shoulder
being warmed by the sun
we hike through the noisy forest
amongst the crashing leaves
skittering chipmunks
gurgling creek
Nature's Playlist
hit Repeat
i run to and fro
trying to catch the falling leaves
a whisper to stop grasping
i still
a yellow leaf lands in my hair
I Am Here.
i drive those stomach-dropping hills
screaming with glee
leaves fall
into the car
reminding me

when i stop running
i arrive

when i quit grasping
i receive

when i cease questioning
i understand.

hello.

2009-10-19T15:50:00.001-07:00

when i walk down the street
smile & say hello
as you pass me by
i'm really rolling wildly in the grass
ecstatically laughing while
my fingertips are digging into the earth
feeling the dappled sunlight
smelling the changing seasons
tasting the sweetness of the air
as my spine courses energy up my body
almost exploding off the top of my head.
oh, hello.
c.

betty crocker of the new millenium

2009-10-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

for mom & the recipe archieves...
my adaptation of Betty's Crocker's Apple Crisp recipe, after i verified that my book omitted the oats that are included in the online version. (how can one omit the oats???) i think this is how recipes should be written. maybe one day i will compile such a book.

Mindful Apple Crisp

4 medium hand-picked-by-mom & gram cooking apples
3 heavy drizzles of agave nectar
slightly more than 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
slightly more than 1/2 cup oats
slightly less than 1/3 cup softened soy-free Earth Balance
cinnamon, cardamom, cloves, nutmeg & ginger to taste
(take it easy when using freshly grated nutmeg... *ahem*)
(postscript: needs nuts. pecans, maybe?)

Become present with your actions. Sing if so moved.

Heat oven to 375F while you mindfully peel the apples and try not to break the skin peel coils. Dance between each apple. Stop wanting to be done peeling & slicing. Appreciate each miraculous fruit. Let EarthBalance sit on the pre-heating stove while you peel.

Slice the apples into your greased square baking dish and happily douse them in extra cinnamon.

Stir all other ingredients together, taking it easy on that fresh nutmeg. *ahem*

Sprinkle topping over the apples before you eat it all.

Bake 25ish minutes until topping is golden & apples still have a bit of life, er, I mean crunch, per your preference.

Blog recipe while sipping spiced cider & appreciating the heavenly autumnal baking smell.

Give thanks before taste testing to ensure this recipe is worth retaining.

Take to yoga class & share!

initiated

2009-10-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

"He knows that in this arena of life he has come uncounted times and gone again, through myriad births, that he has enjoyed all the created world has to offer, and that, as he knows the truth "Everything here on earth passes away," nothing more can satisfy him. His wish is now to find and reach that source from which the stream of manifestation flows...

I am a seeker. I seek an explanation for life on earth. I would like to know what sense there is in the fact that a person is born, grows from a child to an adult through all kinds of difficulties, marries, brings forth more children into the world, who also grow up to adults through just as many difficulties... an unending chain, without beginning, without end!

No! It is not possible for life on earth to be so senseless! Behind this seemingly unending chain of birth and death there must be a more profound meaning, even if it seems to be inexplicable for a prejudiced mind.

For throughout all recorded time there have been outstanding people on earth who spoke out with unshakable assurance about the secret of life and even witnessed their conviction with their life - initiates as they have been called. But where and from whom have these 'initiates' received their initiation? And into what were they initiated?

Even today there must be such 'initiates' living on earth, and there must be some way to obtain initiation.

Seek and ye shall find.

I began to seek. Everywhere I could! And I found! Thus my path led me to people with even greater knowledge who explained more and more to me about initiation and about the meaning of life."

- from Initiation by Elisabeth Haich

yielding

2009-10-14T14:08:00.001-07:00

battered and blown
like leaves that twist & twirl
on the wind
i watch
memories screech by
from my rest stop perch
road weary from miles traveled
i taste the berkshire slushy champagne
smell the mile marker of those niagara grapes
feel the wind pushing and pulling at my progress
in one breath i feel it all
emotions raw & real as first felt
(furious kali wants to shred the ignorance;
compassionate durga wants to hold it all to my breast)
blessed to have this home that cradles me
sacred winter coming to protect me
truth to guide me.
my, but time takes it time!

close your eyes.

2009-10-13T11:13:00.001-07:00

this week: playing in my yoga class near you...

2009-10-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Trevor Hall: had the (yet again! yes! yes! yes!) unexpected! joy of catching this beautiful soul in concert. check him out. download a free track here.

2009-10-11T20:25:00.001-07:00

love this.

fall(ing) up

2009-10-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

rainy gray early morning

i cant find the switch to brighten that bulb in the sky

mat beckons

i slide from the warmth of the covers

time to turn up the heat

candle sizzles as it lights

spine sizzles as it straightens

both feet firmly planted

euphoria lights me

(om)mm-mmm

intense gratitude for this path,
c.

it's a special day!

2009-10-08T13:37:00.001-07:00

it's a special day, and you're invited to the party!

today, (in my yoga class) we're celebrating... our failures!

and thanking for the lessons learned, all the ways we learned not to do it, and the things we learned about ourselves in the process! loving up the hindsight that shows how disastrous all those things we cried for, sweated over, and begged for would have been if those prayers were answered.

how many times did the eventual blessings far exceed the original plea?

thank god for failure!

Thomas Edison (that's him up top) failed thousands of times attempting to create the lightbulb... when asked, his response was:

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

love me some Tommy!

Martin Sexton sings a whole song about Failure... here's the chorus gem...

Thank god for failure
And the things I couldn’t do...
For making the dreams that chose me
Come true

New day, new perspective, now whatcha goin' do with the learning?

We're breathin' the same air,
c.

2009-10-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

Barn's burnt down—
now
I can see the moon.

- Masahide, 17th/18th century Japanese poet

speak for yourself.

2009-10-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

weekend notes

2009-10-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

a spontaneous, truly divinely-inspired weekend.
full rainbows. full moon; everything coming full circle.
notes & quotes & poems & other creative beauties that i want to retain follow...

just keep saying yes.

label that thought, present, past, or future... stay NOW.

Chart a strong course & allow yourself to be beautifully diverted.

Discipline is necessary to be free.

"What you are is what you have been, what you will be is what you do now." - Buddha's Epitaph

Change marks the passage of time. What was is not now and never will be again. Change is what is. - yoga studio weekly inspiration

forgiveness of self, truly sought, is instantly granted.

walking over this earth, feeling & smelling its life, i still catch myself trying to hold my breath, to tread as lightly as possible... laying down, breathing deeply of the richest green, allowing myself to be held... drawn again and again to that pine forest... leaning back against the mighty oak i find silence and start to listen...

put your fire out first.

2009-10-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

"If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back & try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist. If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is not wise. You must go back & put the fire out. So when you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish him/her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while everything goes up in flames."
-Thich Nhat Hanh on Anger

a divinely inspired poetry reading

2009-10-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

Every Movement
by Hafiz

I rarely let the word "No" escape
From my mouth

Because it is so plain to my soul

That God has shouted, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
To every luminous movement in Existence.

Of Course Things Like That Can Happen
by Hafiz

Once God made love to a great saint
Who had a hairy belly.

Of course things like that can happen!

And it was a surprise
Only to the novice on the path
When the saint's stomach began to swell
Just like a woman's.

Weeks went by, then months.
The saint's cheeks
Turned into beautiful roses.
He became like a young bride
Who was carrying a holy child,
And his gratitude was speechless.

But his eyes shone
Like two planets making love.

The town began to stand outside his house
At night, For it had come to the attention of the faithful
That as the moon passed by on its round,
It would sometimes bend over and kiss the roof!

Of course things like that can happen.

Life went on
Amidst the other ten thousand wonders:
Whiskers and weeds and trees and charming babies
Kept emerging.

People and cattle and bees worked side by side,
All sweetly humming,
And, come lunch,
All dined on the same
Mysterious
Divine manna of nourishing Love
Disguised in a thousand shapes, colors and forms.

Galaxies gave away their ingenious ideas
And told us of their private body functions.
So man, too,
Eats, burps and excretes more worlds.

How is it that invisible thoughts can lift heavy matter
And build cities and armies and altars?
All contain a Hidden Strategy
To be transformed again
Into Divine Music and Love and Light!

The sun rolls through
The sky meadows every day,
And a billion cells run
To the top of a leaf to scream and applaud
And smash things in their joy.

Of course things like that can happen.

Rivers stay up all night and chant;
Luminous fish jump out of the water
Spitting emeralds at all talk of Heaven
Being anywhere else but -- Right Here!

Clouds pull each other's pants down
And point and laugh.

O my dear, Of course things like that can happen.

For all is written within the Mind
To help and instruct the dervish
In dance and romance and prayer.
The stars get clearly drunk
And crazy at night
And throw themselves
Across the sky.

Only an insane being or compound
Is not going mad with excitement
At this Wonderful Performance by God!

And still, Light stretches its arms
Open ever more
And shouts to you, because you are
His lover, To forget your harsh actions of the past
And just Dance!

Look!
Angels and flowers
Are playing hooky in graveyards,
Laughing and rolling naked on cool stones.

Why go to sleep tonight
Exhausted from the folly of ignorance,
When even the Beloved is Drunk
And is doing wonderful, ecstatic somersaults
And is giving wild lessons between the sheets
And between His handstands
All up and down the Tavern floor and ceiling!

Indeed,Indeed, things like that can happen.

A few days
Before the delivery of God's baby,
The saint had to visit a city close by
Where few knew him.
He was walking unnoticed past a mosque,

And the shouts of God's lovers
Happened to fill the air,
calling,"Allah, Allah! Where are you?
Where are You, Beautiful One?"

And the child in the womb of the Master
Could not remain silent and shouted back,
In an astounding voice,"I am Here! I am Here -- dear world!"

The crowd in the mosque became frantic,
And they picked up shoes, clubs and stones.
You know what then happened - The story became grim.

But the moon cannot hold a grudge.It still stops by some nights
And leans over this gentle earth, as over a crib,
And gives a full, wet kiss.

For the moon knows
That God is always amorous -He will never stop making Love,
For the Truth has been Divinely Conceived
Deeply within each of us.

O Hafiz,Look at the Splendor of God's Grace:
The Sun has been planted in a thousand furrows
Across every soul's brow.

Of course, my dear, Everything God and I say Can Happen!

2009-10-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

2009-10-05T17:13:00.001-07:00

There are moments when one feels free from one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies. At such moments one imagines that one stands on some spot of a small planet, gazing in amazement at the cold yet profoundly moving beauty of the eternal, the unfathomable; life and death flow into one, and there is neither evolution nor destiny; only Being.
- Albert Einstein

a reminder

2009-10-05T17:00:00.001-07:00

How to Love Yourself

by Louise Hayes

1. Stop all criticism: Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

2. Don't scare yourself: Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It's a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.

3. Be gentle and kind and patient: Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you
really loved.

4. Be kind to your mind: Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change the thoughts.

5. Praise yourself: Criticism breaks the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.

6. Support yourself: Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends, and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.

7. Be loving to your negatives: Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. So. lovingly release the old negative patterns.

8. Take care of your body: Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you live in.

9. Mirror work: Look into your own eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself looking into the mirror. Talk to your parents looking into the mirror. Forgive them, too. At least once a day, say: "I love you, I really love you!"

10. LOVE YOURSELF - DO IT NOW! Don't wait until you get well or lose the weight, or get the new job, or find the new relationship. Begin NOW - do the best you can.

(11. Lay the hands - every day - to love and heal it.)

The Places That Scare You...

2009-10-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

What's with the Dobermans?
Here's the story, per Pema, excerpted from When Things Falls Apart:

The first time I met Trungpa Rinpoche was with a class of fourth graders who asked him a lot of questions about growing up in Tibet and about escaping from the Chinese Communists into India. One boy asked him if he was ever afraid. Rinpoche answered that his teacher had encouraged him to go to places like graveyards that scared him and to experiment with approaching things he didn't like. Then he told a story about traveling with his attendants to a monastery he'd never seen before. As they neared the gates, he saw a large guard dog with huge teeth and red eyes. It was growling ferociously and struggling to get free from the chain that held it. The dog seemed desperate to attack them. As Rinpoche got closer, he could see its bluish tongue and spittle spraying from its mouth. They walked past the dog, keeping their distance, and entered the gate. Suddenly the chain broke and the dog rushed at them. The attendants screamed & froze in terror. Rinpoche turned and ran as fast as he could - straight at the dog. The dog was so surprised that he put his tail between his legs and ran away.

ah, so i imagine this is also where her book title "The Places That Scare You" comes from...

2009-09-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

TO EXPERIENCE FEARLESSNESS, IT IS NECESSARY TO EXPERIENCE FEAR.

The essence of cowardice is to not acknowledge the reality of fear. Fear takes many forms. We are afraid of death, we are afraid that we can't handle the demands of our life, and there is abrupt fear, or panic, when new situations occur. Fear is expressed as restlessness: how we move, how we talk, how we chew our nails, how we sometimes put our hands in our pockets uselessly. We have to realize our fear and reconcile ourselves with fear. However, acknowledging fear is not a cause for depression. Because we possess such fear, we can potentially experience fearlessness. - Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche

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reminders to self

2009-09-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

"For one human being to love another is the most difficult task of all. It's the work for which all other work is mere preparation." - R. M. Rilke

"If you do not love too much, you do not love enough." - B. Pascal

"Until you have loved, you cannot become yourself." - E. Dickinson

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." - H.D. Thoreau

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." - E. Jong

"I'm not afraid of running out of love. The more I give, the more I have to give." - R. Brezny

"You're hungry for the Infinite, and the Infinite is hungry for you." - R. Brezny

Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;
Turning to face my fear,
I meet the warrior who lives within;
Opening to my loss,
I am given unimaginable gifts;
Surrendering into emptiness,
I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me.
Each condition I welcome transforms me
And becomes itself transformed
Into its radiant jewel-like essence.
I bow to the one who has made it so.
Who has crafted this Master Game;
To play is pure delight,
To honor it is true devotion.
-J. Welwood

Guest House

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

2009-09-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

"Thanks to them from whom the painful blessings flow, we are waking up."

(photo credit gratitude to wmlo for sharing the beauty)

all a big mistake?

2009-09-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

She had been mistaken. She could feel the realization settling over her. The life she had been traveling toward - imagining herself into - the ideas and expectations that had been so solid only a few weeks ago - this life had been erased, and the numb feeling crept up...
Her future was like a city she had never visited. A city on the other side of the country, and she was driving down the road, with all her possessions packed up in the backseat of the car, and the route was clearly marked on her map, and then she stopped at a rest area and saw that the place she was headed to wasn't there any longer. The town she was driving to had vanished - perhaps had never been there - and if she stopped to ask the way, the gas station attendant would look at her blankly. He wouldn't even know what she was talking about.
"I'm sorry, miss," he'd say gently. "I think you must be mistaken. I never heard of that place."
A sense of sundering.
In one life, there was a city you were on your way to. In another, it was just a place you'd invented.

from Await Your Reply by Dan Chaon

thought i knew ya

2009-09-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

Thought I knew ya
Thought I could see right through ya
What a surprise to open your eyes
And find a hole in your soul
I thought I knew ya
Like I had a direct line
to some power greater than myself...
See you in the next life baby, Namaste!
-Martin Sexton, Thought I Knew Ya

seems i've fallen and i can't...

2009-09-11T07:52:00.000-07:00

i drove very close to his sleeping body yesterday afternoon in the alley.
so close it makes me shudder.
with his dark clothes, i thought he was someone's trash put out.
i wasnt totally paying attention, fidgeting around, so i was surprised to look over and see his wrinkled dirty face, serere as a baby's, in sleep.
of course, i had somewhere to be, thus no time to stop.
a shining example of yoga off the mat if there ever was one.
while cooking dinner for friends, i checked to see if he was still around to take him some food but found emptiness where his bed had been.
emotions rampant.
get up! not working.
pema says: "when the rivers and air are polluted, when families and nations are at war, when homeless wanderers fill the highways, these are traditional signs of a dark age. another is that people become poisoned by self-doubt & become cowards."
and i'm supposed to sit with this???
why do i have a warm bed and he has the ground, a few feet from my bed?
like siddartha out of the kingdom, how was i so distracted before that i didnt realize just how hard life is?

more conversations from the alley...
7-year old chubby girl w/ a bright yellow bandana & matching shirt bouncing behind a 30-something guy down the alley...
but why do you drink alcohol?
look, i dont smoke pot, i dont do drugs, i drink. thats it.
but why? dont you want to remember your life & what happened yesterday? when you get drunk, you forget everything...
bless her.

battle of the bands

2009-09-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

never alone?

2009-09-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

a book half-read laying around for years...
commence midnight reading...
eureka! thank you Pema, particularly for Chapter 11 - follow link to google books to commence enlightenment.
(Chapter 11? more lila?)
may it help you make friends with yourself, as it did me...
and to my #1 reader, this bud's for you. (pun intended.)
sidenote: where Pema writes that her teacher, Trungpa Rinponche used to call this "nostalgia for samsara," in another of her books she writes that his quote was learning that "nostalgia for samsara is full of shit." love it.
def: samsara (n.): endless cycle of suffering, see also wheel of samsara
another sentence that really smacked me was "People have felt this way from the beginning of time."
j'ai bhagwan,
c.

in silence

2009-09-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

Open Secret
by Elizabeth Lesser

Learn the alchemy
true human beings know.
The moment you accept
what troubles you've been given,
the door will open.
-Rumi

Where do we find the courage to make a big change? How do we use the forces of a difficult time to help us grow? There are many ways, but the first way, the gateway, is to know that we are not alone in these endeavors. One of the greatest enigmas of human behavior is the way we isolate ourselves from each other. In our misguided perception of separation we assume that others are not sharing a similar experience of life. We imagine that we are unique in our eccentricities or failures or longings. And so we try to appear as happy and consistent as we think others are, and we feel shame when we stumble and fall. When difficulties come our way, we don't readily seek out help and compassion because we think others might not understand, or they would judge us harshly, or take advantage of our weakness. And so we hide out, and we miss out.

We read novels and go to movies and follow the lives of celebrities in order to imbibe a kind of full-out living we believe is out of our reach, or too risky, or just an illusion. We become voyeurs of the kind of experiences that our own souls are longing to have. Here's the oddest thing about living life as a spectator sport: While the tales in books and movies and People magazine may be created with smoke and mirrors, our own lives don't have to be. We have the real opportunity to live fully, with passion and meaning and profound satisfaction. Within us-burning brighter than any movie star-is our own star, our North Star, our soul. It is our birthright to uncover the soul-to remove the layers of fear or shame or apathy or cynicism that conceal it. A good place to start, and a place we come back to over and over again, is what Rumi calls the Open Secret.

Jelalluddin Rumi wrote poems so alive and clear that even today-eight centuries later-they shimmer with freshness. Their wisdom and humor are timeless; whenever I have an a-ha moment with one of Rumi's poems, I feel connected to the people throughout the ages who have climbed out of their confusion on the rungs of Rumi's words.

In several of his poems and commentaries, Rumi speaks of the Open Secret. He says that each one of us is trying to hide a secret-not a big, bad secret, but a more subtle and pervasive one. It's the kind of secret that people in the streets of Istanbul kept from each other in the 13th century, when Rumi was writing his poetry. It's what I imagine Einstein tried to hide from his neighbors in Princeton, and they from him. And it's the same kind of secret that you and I keep from each other every day. You meet an old acquaintance, and she asks, "How are you?" You say, "Fine!" She asks, "How are the kids?" You say, "Oh, they're great." "The job?" "Just fine. I've been there five years now."

Then, you ask that person, "How are you?" She says, "Fine!" You ask, "Your new house?" "I love it." "The new town?" "We're all settling in."

It's a perfectly innocent exchange of ordinary banter; each one of us has a similar kind every day. But it is probably not an accurate representation of our actual lives. We don't want to say that one of the kids is failing in school, or that our work often feels meaningless, or that the move to the new town may have been a colossal mistake. It's almost as if we are embarrassed by our most human traits. We tell ourselves that we don't have time to go into the gory details with everyone we meet; we don't know each other well enough; we don't want to appear sad, or confused, or weak, or self-absorbed. Better to keep under wraps our neurotic and nutty sides (not to mention our darker urges and shameful desires.) Why wallow publicly in the underbelly of our day-to-day stuff? Why wave the dirty laundry about, when all she asked was, "How are you?"

Rumi says that when we hide the secret underbelly from each other, then both people go away wondering, "How come she has it all together? How come her marriage/job/town/family works so well? What's wrong with me?" We feel vaguely diminished from this ordinary interaction, and from hundreds of similar interactions we have from month to month and year to year. When we don't share the secret ache in our hearts-the normal bewilderment of being human-it turns into something else. Our pain, and fear, and longing, in the absence of company, become alienation, and envy, and competition.

The irony of hiding the dark side of our humanness is that our secret is not really a secret at all. How can it be when we're all safeguarding the very same story? That's why Rumi calls it an Open Secret. It's almost a joke-a laughable admission that each one of us has a shadow self-a bumbling, bad-tempered twin. Big surprise! Just like you, I can be a jerk sometimes. I do unkind, cowardly things, harbor unmerciful thoughts, and mope around when I should be doing something constructive. Just like you, I wonder if life has meaning; I worry and fret over things I can't control; and I often feel overcome with a longing for something that I cannot even name. For all of my strengths and gifts, I am also a vulnerable and insecure person, in need of connection and reassurance. This is the secret I try to keep from you, and you from me, and in doing so, we do each other a grave disservice.

Rumi tells us that moment we accept what troubles we've been given, the door will open. Sounds easy, sounds attractive, but it is difficult, and most of us pound on the door to freedom and happiness with every manipulative ploy save the one that actually works. If you're interested in the door to the heavens opening, start with the door to your own secret self. See what happens when you offer to another a glimpse of who you really are. Start slowly. Without getting dramatic, share the simple dignity of yourself in each moment-your triumphs and your failures, your satisfaction and your sorrow. Face your embarrassment at being human, and you'll uncover a deep well of passion and compassion. It's a great power, your Open Secret. When your heart is undefended you make it safe for whomever you meet to put down his burden of hiding, and then you both can walk through the open door.

Excerpted from Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser

point me in the direction of the lost & found

2009-09-05T19:30:00.000-07:00

One day I said to God --
I'm going to search
For the meaning to my existence
I'm going to find the talent within me
Then develop it to the best of my ability
And I'm going to make the most of this Life
That I have been given
And I'm going to do this
Without infringing upon anyone else's
Opportunity to do the same
And God replied
'I couldn't ask for anything more'"
-Javan

my heart overflows

2009-06-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

last night i went to see Amma Karunamayi.

this divine incarnation stood directly in front of me and said "i love you." my heart opened.

once in front of the audience, she greeted the room by saying "my sweet babies. i love each of you thousands of times, millions of times, billions of times, gazillions of times" and giggles. such love. she reminded her audience to take full advantage of this rare human birth, that we are already on the spiritual path, and that the purpose of this life is nothing less than God Realization. she encouraged us to go all the way this time, not to get to 90% & be satisfied but to cultivate so much love for God in our hearts that this is is the life we go the entire way back to merging with One and knowing the Self. she cautioned us to care for Mother Earth, the save water, to help one another... and to treat each other with love and compassion as one peaceful happy family. to acknowledge the divinity that lies in each of us beyond color or gender or nationality and with the same intention, we could not fail at restoring world peace. she led her audience through laughing yoga, brain yoga (grab ear lobes with opposite hand, crossing at elbow, stand up, press legs together, and bend knees, squatting 27 times. you know you want to try it.), and mantra singing. i learned the saraswati mantra. click here to hear her. :)

OM AIM SRIM HRIM SARASWATI DEVYAI NAMAHA

other teachings i recall from atmaV this weekend...

your path must include 3 things...
constantly watching God within
service to others - dedicate this life to serving others, not to obtaining material pursuits.
tapas - discipline to your (meditation) practice

heart overflowing.
bowing with gratitude,
c.

baby cat, take II

2009-06-10T08:44:00.000-07:00

in Detroit, i asked him how to surrender?

his response was to be like a baby cat.

sharon gannon and david life, founders of Jivamukti Yoga, expound on this in their book:

"There are 2 paths to the attainment of Yoga: the path of effort & the path of grace - maryada marga & pushti marga. Marga means path. Maryada describes the soul looking for a system to follow to gain enlightenment, and pushti describes the soul that simply surrenders everything to God.

The difference between maryada marga & pushti marga is illustrated by the old Indian tale of the baby monkey and the baby cat. When a baby monkey becomes separated from his mother, he will race around, swinging through trees looking for her. He is determined to find her. When he does finally find the mother, he grabs her body & holds on for dear life, and the two, united, go swinging through the trees. But when the kitten becomes separated from her mother she stays put. She does not run around looking for her mother. The kitten stays and cries out, "Meow Maaaaaa." The kitten calls until the mother hears her. The mother comes to the kitten, picks her up by the scruff of the neck, and the two go off happily to snuggle.

The monkey is on the maryada marga, the path of effort. The kitten trusts the mother and by chanting her name, continuously gets her to come to the rescue. The kitten is on pushti marga, the path of grace.

Patanjali's 8-limbed system is predominantly a maryada marga, an effortful path, but the last 2 limbs - dhynana (meditation) and samadhi (enlightenment) - cannot be attained through effort. They are the result of grace. Yet is it only through intense effort that we can prepare ourselves to receive such grace."

proufound gratitude to the mother cat that heard my cries and found me.
Jai Guru!
c.

(re)dedicated

2009-06-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

reflections after 3 weeks on retreat, or remembrances of forgotten teachings, more like:

dedication. oh yeah. i seem to have forgotten about that. got kinda caught up in the mind & started drifting from my physical practice. recall that practice means every day, regardless of mood, weather, circumstance. every day until their is no longer discernible difference between days & until the body overtakes the mind's kvetching that body is sore, too weak, tired, etc. no more mind limiting body.

at same time, less strict with myself. being on retreat means understanding there is nothing to do except be there & taking the experience in stride. so returning home shouldnt mean constantly analyzing where i should be at, what i should be doing, and obsessing over this. being home should be the same experience... be here now, take the experience in stride, do what needs to be done & look for opportunity to improve or help. calmness. acceptance.

im still scared of greatness. *sigh* im scared of amazing relationships... divine ones, human ones... terrified. the minute the beauty starts, so does my self-sabotaging inner critic. must detach & let all of them happen... approaching the divine relationship with gratitude, humbleness, and a continued commitment to repeatedly show up & see what happens. also learning to approach human relationships w/ the same attitude i approach difficult yoga asanas... ive been here before, i havent hit the pose before, this could be the day i get it - or not - and so i will keep on. detached.

dedication to commit to my present actions & do best to make present actions positive. previous actions having gotten me where i am, dedicating to right action in hopes of optimal future placement and growth. but again, detached.

dedication to the buddhist mindset of taking action as though my action really matters & really changes the world & then laughing to think that my actions really matter at all. detachment.

dedication to practices that allow me to experience God... and the firm acknowledgment that this is why - the ONLY why - that i partake in them.

dedication that the only reason i am alive is to know God. everything else is a detail.

dedication to this path i find myself on. acknowledging that its more severe than might be fitting for most, but that it works for me, that i love & ultimately enjoy it, and that i feel it infinitely valuable and worthwhile for my time & efforts. an end to the analysis & a commitment forward. gratitude.

with dedication,
c.

"In true freedom and happiness we like whatever we do, but we do not always do whatever we like." - Swami Nirmalananda

Contrition vs. Guilt

2009-05-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

"I don't think being human has any place for guilt. Contrition, yes. Guilt, no. Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh. All the damage you've done to yourself, put right. Guilt means you go and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated. Guilt is a trap. People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done. Whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing. Contrition, you move forward. It's over. You are willing to forgo the pleasures of guilt." - Sister Wendy Beckett, Roman Catholic nun

love your neighbors

2009-05-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

so i moved back to cleveland - city proper. let me say that my cleveland neighborhood is beautiful, friendly, engaging, and walkable. old funky houses. character. beautiful gardens & hidden away urban beauty in oodles. yet i've asked guys to put their butterfly needles away in my alley, watched the prostitute arrive to turn tricks in the house across the street, and the drug boys making their deals on the corner. why do i live here? you know why i live here. in hopes of rippling out that bit of what i do where it might be needed.
i didn't know until after i moved in that the house next to me (note: not pictured above) was vacant. this one kept a bit of its grandeur even in its demise but houses get sad & scary when they're left untended. newspapers on the windows. eerie silence tempting the fates of the urban gods. the foreclosure crisis brought home, personally affecting me, as i prayed nightly that some wanderer wouldn't set bonfire to the backyard brush pile legacy left by its previous owner.
yesterday afternoon, i met my new neighbor, yelling hello over the fence!
tonite, as i walked outside to appreciate the dusk sky, i was caught off guard by the golden light shining out his kitchen windows as he toiled away, unpacking or making some yummy dinner concoction. i was filled with gratitude for him... for all my neighbors... for all the people who call these dying urban neighborhoods home. living, (hopefully) working, breathing, human beings seeking shelter and comfort like everyone else... but bound by the conviction that this is a fight worth fighting & making a personal commitment to doing so.
love your neighbors. say hello, learn their names, and in some manner, thank them for their faith in these cities, their willingness to do their part. we're in this one together.
appreciating the village,
c.

2009-04-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. My optimism, then, does not rest on the absence of evil, but on a glad belief in the preponderance of good and a willing effort always to cooperate with the good, that it may prevail. I try to increase the power God has given me to see the best in everything and every one, and make that Best a part of my life . . . No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit." - Helen Keller

april 1st begins it anew

2009-04-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

RENEGADE CROCUSES

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
—Louis L’Amour, American novelist

... or woman

2009-03-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

IF.....

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

p.s. "be careful not to shit on yourself."

i'm scared.

2009-03-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

coming back to oneself
integration resuming
after a period of forced separation
is an intense emotional experience
i try for gentleness w/ myself

as my own stuff bubbles up
im again able to befriend others
which was impossible
during such self preservation

i feel so little so small so unprepared
i feel so bogged down by so many belongings from when i thought stuff mattered
i feel terrified b/c god keeps screaming at me to do this work
and what if i fail???

as i watch india documentaries and see more pics from a friend's motherland journey
the realization that i am an egotistical american is hard
ive got it so easy in comparison & yet i display a fear that the impoverished don't
b/c they dont have a choice about how they survive
and i do

today is a glorious warm sunny spring day
one of the first
that finally feels like the world is warming
and i dont want it to!
said like the petulant child i feel

i just want to stay in this dark winter cave
surrounded by dust & its bunny progeny
and not let this little seed sprout
vulnerability
scary to feel like i only get one shot
and what if i miss?

growth hurts.

ego gets pissed at its inability to stop the passage of time
though i know that time passing is the only way the answer will be revealed

packing up the contents my life yet again
reflecting on where i thought i'd be and how i'm nowhere close
ego again angered
asks whats the point of laying plans & setting goals
when im just a pinball anyways

time to tune out the bells & flashing lights of this game
find the silence within
the Widsom that dwells there
once again, throw this life as Its feet
and offer it up
c.

today's motivation

2009-03-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

If one's life is simple, contentment has to come. Simplicity is extremely important for happiness. Having few desires, feeling satisfied with what you have, is very vital: satisfaction with just enough food, clothing, and shelter to protect yourself from the elements. And finally, there is an intense delight in abandoning faulty states of mind and in cultivating helpful ones in meditation. - HHDL

my experiment in the above ways of living is about to fully commence. keep you posted. ;)
c.

pre-birthday introspection

2009-03-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

i turn 32 tomorrow. i present to us my pre-birthday introspection, brought to you in part by Dalai Lama Renaissance, a documentary i saw last night and several other books to be discussed... settle in. ;)

i did not know that on the annual March 10th anniversary of his escape from the Chinese occupation of Tibet, His Holiness the Dalai Lama (HHDL for short) issues a "March 10 Statement." yesterday marked the 50th anniversary... here i was unknowingly on the anniversary watching his visage on the screen... and on a full moon to boot. no coincidences, remember?

a pause for March 10th consideration. HHDL fled his Tibetan compound at the age of 24 (?) under cover of night, dressed like a soldier. he trekked for 3 weeks through the mountains to India, hoping they would grant he & his entourage amnesty. he found refuge in dharamsala, india here:

wow.

i recall reading something last week about meditating in such landscape... along the lines of such vastness in the physical landscape, mountains & endless sky, makes it easy to find the vastness of the Divine that resides within. double wow.

an excerpt from this year's HHDL March 10th statement - emphasis mine:

"I always say that we should hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Whether we look at it from the global perspective or in the context of events in China, there are reasons for us to hope for a quick resolution of the issue of Tibet. However, we must also prepare ourselves well in case the Tibetan struggle goes on for a long time. " - HHDL, March 9, 2009

the man has lived the past 50 years in exile and he is preparing for it to last 'for a long time.' amazing.

i remember being younger and ignoring the Free Tibet stickers i saw, because what could i, as an American, hope to influence? i think the Chinese brutality has gotten more extensive global coverage lately and i personally have a greater understanding of what's happening, but still, what can i hope to influence?

3 words

Made In China

oh.

conscious consumerism - there is something i can do.

so back to the movie - premise is HHDL convenes 40 of the world's greatest thinkers to 'solve the problems facing the world.' when assembled, he explains that the biggest problem facing humanity today is lack of value for human life. coming from the man who when asked if the Chinese make him angry answers "sometime, little angry" and who i've witnessed greet every single human being w/ the same level of interest, respect, and pleasure, i was floored to hear him speak directly to Americans regarding "why do you think that every year you must make more money?," reminding that our rampant consumerism & increasing wealth continues to deplete resources & money for other people around the globe. his pointing out that we MUST have a responsibility to future generations for our present actions soothed my conscience. (meaning defined: i think about this. i feel crazy for thinking about this. kindred soul. *big sigh*)

interestingly enough, when a participant suggests HHDL request a global trade sanction with China, he refuses the idea, citing that he does not wish to impose economic hardship on the citizens of China. triple wow.

he definitely has an continued impact on me & at least for a short-time, reinstates my ability to look at everyone equally & cease the automatic judgements.

i was drawn to a book written by one of the participants called Your Money or Your Life so i went & found it on my lunch hour - along w/ travel books for Italy & Bali. Eat, Pray, Love Tour '09? i think its just the information i need to balance the financial opinions im currently re-evaluating about the work i want to do, how i want to make a "living," how much money and how many things i truly need, etc.

when i encountered a psychic at age 18, she told me that i would never have a lot of money, but i would always have just enough. that was fine by me then. did my opinion change? when? why?

thoughts bred from all this: perhaps this economic recession is a symptom of a disease - and we wont get better by treating the symptom. we have known for some time that our economic model is not sustainable & gov't injections will only prolong the natural course of things. my children will likely not grow up with the same economic status quo i did, w/ the same expectations for a degree, career, house, 2-car garage, 2.5 kids, get a new one at walmart-mentality, that i did. and i think that's good & nec'y - but it's going to be uncomfortable change. and one that we need to stay flexible to survive - on all levels.

my desire to travel is a need to expand my understanding beyond America... how do other cultures deal with this, plan for their future careers & retirement accounts? i dont think US stock market trends are helpful anymore. we've never seen this before. and short of another dot com invention (in which the US would likely be surpassed by China & India talents anyways), we've got to look for another solution.

what is the answer? a global economic model? is that too utopian? or too marxist?

i also stopped at a book store to see about getting my Floridian friend Dan an autographed book for his collection. i was handed "Your Erroneous Zones" autographed by the author Wayne Dyer. (sorry Dan, i'm keeping this one...) dated 4/1/76, my spiritual birthday a year before i was born, and inscribed telling the previous owner to "Be Here Now!, - Wayne W. Dyer" the title of another book that i can honestly say "changed my life," the synchronicity was apparent. im now thinking i have plenty of literary help on hand to aid in my transition. interestingly enough, paging thru Dyer's book, published in 1976, i chuckled to notice his concern over the national economy & hope that the President would make it all better.

as i think of reading for the answers, im again reminded that if i would just let myself sit silently for awhile, i have all the answers i need within.

this year, i wish for wellness, stillness, love, and "enough money."
"god bless me." - paramahamsa prajnananda
c.

commiseration... i mean, support!

2009-03-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

"I love using the egg as the symbol of beginnings, because our beginnings are often ugly, tender, and fragile as a newborn bird. in March, spring itself often emerges with a battered look, wobbling between freezing rain, sudden snows, and periodic sun-filled days. the erratic March weather allows us to ruminate on what we would like to begin..." - from Herbal Rituals by Judith Berger

website of the day

2009-03-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

broke?
traveling?
running late?

and in NEEEED of a yoga class?

i present to you...

www.yogichocolate.com

a donation based website that allows you to download classes from some of the most rockin'est teachers.
enjoy!
c.

around & around the fork i go

2009-02-24T07:33:00.000-08:00

Change is a'comin'...
like a tortoise
i wish It would speed it up a little

(i start quakin' deep inside, fearing
the risks i awaken with such wishes)

thoughts, inklings, intuitions, dreams
all tangled up together
like spaghetti

(always hated spaghetti
...messy pasta)

maybe the lapse is divine patience
waiting for me to 'evolve'
sort it out, figure it out

(true or false:?
"you don't yet have all the information")

no bigger than other decisions i've made
(right?!?!)
what to eat
when to sleep
where to live
work to do
who not to marry
*sigh*

yet somewhere
perhaps while immersed in this sloggin' energy
i woke up a little bit
& started getting scared
that maybe i don't have forever

a voice waking me to the realization
that Now is all i have
reminding that i'd best act accountable
admit my passions &
realize my dreams

(waking, ha!
perchance so much sleep
to dream the answers?)

my soul knew
oh, yes, i knew
that my coming here
would light this off

am i testing myself & That which is?
like a petulant child
i've always been cared for before
but what about if i do THIS?

will you still love me, Lord
if i identify
then follow
my dreams

never alone
always cared for
bigger than i know

EGO says:
it's a bit scary.
i hope i don't screw it up.

(fear, i banish you.)

PLEASE
not my will but thy will
eternally
c.

the melancholy

2009-02-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

thanks, c., for sharing.
i know.

give me strength

2009-01-22T14:24:00.000-08:00

With love you don't bargain
there, the choice is not yours.
Love is a mirror, it reflects
only your essence,
if you have the courage
to look in its face.

--Rumi , "Whispers of the Beloved"

2009-01-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

"Manifest plainness.
Embrace simplicity.
Reduce selfishness.
Have few desires."
-Lao-tzu

welcome kleansers!

2009-01-15T08:40:00.000-08:00

so i heard there is a new crop of kleansers in cleveland - and that you might be perusing thee old blog. welcome & congrats.

my almost a year later cleanse ruminations:
- do it. lean on the other people doing it too.
- don't waste time thinking you're nuts & just (see above)
- keep a journal or a blog (to share w/ & support the other kleansers) b/c you'll learn a lot about your self & your body during this time... like when you re-read your posts almost a year later & observe how LOUD your mind was ;)

finally: i've recently been reading about the Ayurvedic cleanse called panchakarma. the most notable thing about panchakarma is that it is meant to deeply relax the body. stress is viewed as the most harmful experience for our body to phyically undergo & the thought is that the cells can release deep aspects of built-up toxins, relatively quickly, in a relaxed state. what this means when you're kleansing: chill out! withdraw when you feel it. allow yourself respite - as much as possible - from your daily routine & acknowledge & have patience with the aspects of the routine you can't deviate from... dont be stressed that you can't relax. ;)

here if you need me,
c.

an open letter to Bikram

2009-01-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Bikram,

I'm sure you've received many letters like this in the course of your teaching. I hate to hate Bikram yoga like I do & I thought it might help alleviate some of my guilt if I wrote you about my experience.

I think your series of yoga poses (shown above) look very easy. In fact, I think I would even ENJOY doing them in a warm room... but the 100+F degrees is a bit much, don't you think?

I have a cold so I figured I should intentionally raise my heat before a fever kicked in to do it for me, so I went last night. I really want to like it. I really did not want to almost puke & have to leave in the middle of the standing series. The teacher & her English accent were so cute... but her screaming was not. Do you teach your instructors to YELL such things like "until your back hurts, elbows hurt, knees hurt, LOCK THE KNEES" Where's the nurture? All that screaming is just waaaay to intense for me. I like my yoga classes encouraging... but not encouraging me to hurt myself. Now I know you've taught for decades to my few years, but I do think that willingly hurting oneself is very far removed from where I - and most of western society - need to be. Lastly, her comment at the end of the class about how it's normal to feel nauseated & dizzy... and how it teaches discipline & determination... I dunno about that either. I learn plenty of discipline and determination trying to make myself sit still. So I'm left considering that maybe I'm just not tough enough, and maybe it gets easier... or maybe I was just too sick for Bikram class... Though I will say, that I thought it was pretty cool in standing forward bend to observe my knees sweating.

Thank you to you & your trained drill sergeant teachers.

Respectfully,
c.

ode to ganesh

2009-01-08T08:51:00.000-08:00

Ganesh

Ganesh's Mantra:
Aum Gan Ganapatye Namah
(Om Gan Gan-A-Pot-Tie-Yea Na-ma-ha)

my unsophisticated version of Background on Ganesh for those who have no idea why i'm posting pics of blue elephants...

gahesh is the hindu deity (contrary to deprecating beliefs... hindu mythology believes that their 10,000+ deities are all various components of ONE god... hooray!) believed to be the Remover of Obstacles. folks pray to ganesh before undertaking new ventures, asking him to clear the way. he's also viewed as the first stop in the heirarchy of the gods, believed to purify us for higher pathways ("higher" gods - but instead of viewing this as selective, i view it as intensity... sort of like crawling before you walk... b'c one has to do the work & preparation before entering higher areas.) i appreciate this approach b/c it's much easier sometimes to have a divine relationship when you have aspects like raging destructionist Kali or fiery hot Shiva or mothering Durga to give you a sense that god understands what you're going through...

not to mention: he's a good friend to have when ushering in a New Year

his mantra is in my head lately and i've been playing different versions of it in my classes. i've been asking him to take my junk & i sense his protection. i cant explain why i sense him there... but i do... to the point that people have seen him around me and asked what is going on. hehe

im reminded of a story a friend of a friend told me on his way through Cleveland, over a pint at the Lincoln Pub... he was driving on an especially bad weather night in his junky red car, praying to ganesh to help him through... when he was suddenly certain that this massive blue partying elephant was riding on the top of his car, giving him added weight & traction as he suddenly started navigating beautifully & flying by other cars on the road. i still maintain the mental image of both of them, arms waving, screaming & laughing madly, driving wildly...

don't bring last year's junk into the Now. release it. offer it up. purify.
c.

p.s. coming soon: New Years pics from Kripalu!

note to self

2008-12-20T07:52:00.000-08:00

T.K.V. Desikachar, in his commentary on Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra, cites five of the mind as by the sage Vyasa

KSIPTA

lowest state of mind; person is highly agitated and unable to think, listen, or keep quiet. “It’s like a monkey jumping up and down,” Desikachar says. “Toss it a diamond, and it doesn’t know what it is.”

MUDHA

In this state, no information seems to reach the brain. The mind is dull and listless. A person might be holding her key yet still ask, “Where is the key?”

VIKSIPTA

Here the mind receives information but seems unable to process it. The mind oscillates in confusion, with an inner chatter like “I want to do everything, but I can’t do everything. Should I do this or that?”

EKAGRA

In this state, the mind is relaxed but not sleepy. The person is ready to focus and pay attention, which is a prerequisite to meditation. A good yoga class can bring the mind into this state of relaxed attention.

NIRODHA

Here the mind is not distracted by random thoughts but is fully absorbed in the object of focus. This can occur in meditation or when a person is fully engaged in something.

the first yoga sutra states
yoga chitta vritta nirodha
which i previously understood/translated as:
yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind
not until now did i recognize nirodha as the highest state of mind
so now this makes even more sense
yoga helps uncover this highest mind
continuing glimmers & expansion,
c.

this is what happy looks like.

2008-12-19T08:06:00.001-08:00

i've been aware of numerous occasions lately where i've worked or prayed hard for something, and find myself resisting it when it appears.
what is that about?
staying present doesn't just mean being present through the hard parts and it certainly doesn't mean looking at the good parts with a cynical eye, awaiting demise, as a form of protection.
i realized as i drove through the snowy world on my way to work this morning: I'M HAPPY! it's been a bit of a struggle to find my way & my place this year...
and here i am, a few days from the end of '08, finding myself in a really good spot...
not fearing, resisting, questioning, or trying to ruin it
but accepting, thanking, enjoying
i know change is constant
i also recognize the complicated defense mechanisms i construct out of fear
and its those that i will now resist
once again allowing myself...
giving myself permission...
to be happy
c.

very funny.

2008-12-17T18:18:00.000-08:00

hear that?
it's the sound of leela
(divine play)
god's been slapping his knee at me all day long

i picture ancestors perched on clouds
passing the popcorn back & forth
elbowing one another
watch this
lets see how she reacts to THIS one
hahahahaha

driving to class
running late
snow slogging my progress
erratic traffic
so many people who dare to be out walking
(thank you)

bust into the studio
late
storm in the face of peace
into the changing room i go
exiting in my blackness
socks slip on hardwood floor
i flail all 4 limbs about & barely right myself
stand laughing in the corner as it all streams off
teacher asks why im
what? standing in the corner laughing?
and as i walk across the space
i proclaim
that i showed up LATE!
and ANGRY!
and then almost fell flat on my ASS!
in the front of the room
b/c im always being shown
exactly where im at...
my parody for your learning pleasure
*curtsy*
c.

today's inspiration

2008-12-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

courtesy of mom:
"CREATE A VISION OF WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU WILL ATTRACT IT."

courtesy of yoga studio:
I am only one but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something;
and because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
-Edward Everett Hale

courtesy of me:
i resolve to be ok with that which is unresolved

year(s) in review

2008-12-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

NYT did a story yesterday on week 52, reporting on the many employees that will be asked to take the last week of the year off to save on building costs, etc. i especially caught the line talking about using week 52 for personal year end review & contemplation. as i plan my holiday schedule, im finding that i really need such a week of year end introspection.

i started blogging in 2004. apparently, end of the year review always makes me write... a brief retrospective...

year end 2005: busting wide open
my heart is bursting... what a year. missing friends, looking at all that compassion and other centeredness has garnered me in the past 6 months... i am insanely grateful.

in the coming year, allow me to
be unafraid to love
be willing to put myself out there to help others in need
to witness when people need teaching and assistance
to put myself behind the betterment of others
to enjoy my time, my moments, my gifts and my trials
to accept, love, forgive, and be patient with myself

year end 2006: out with the old... and in with the new
excerpt: "...perhaps god's way of watching me slide and throwing me some kind of bone to keep me on this path? i dunno... and though i havent achieved the goal, i am aware that i AM farther along the path, and that's an amazing, if albiet fleeting, realization. a year ago, i would not have reacted as i have. but it goes back to what i said/believe that you can't "know" and choose to live otherwise and thus my choice was made."

year end 2007: the year of measured response
i feel like im not going to be able to call the shots in o8, quite like i have in o7.
this proved true at 9am new years day
and ive been attempting to roll with it since
surrender and ease.

year end 2008: trust & let go
i generally make decisions too quickly, w/o weighing all the options & consequences. i don't necessarily think i would change this about myself, as i intuitively believe in divine guidance & this approach keeps the journey interesting. never mind that it's turned out pretty great thus far... :)
that said, i feel like i've spent 2008 overly focused on my career. its not a life facet that i purport to care significantly about, and yet it's been the major motivating factor behind much of what i've done in '08.
i feel that new focus will emerge in '09 & im hopeful about that - new journeys, new challenges. i pray for: the ability to surrender the fear keeping me in this safety net, & opportunities to do the best work possible.
ive put physical distance between myself & much of my support network... i think subliminally clearing the way for intense svadyaya (scriptural or self-study). i want this conduit as clear, clean, bright, and open as possible!

here's to 2009: the year i leap...

ever brighter light,
c.

2008-12-05T23:11:00.000-08:00

"Parameters"

Thirty-three years go by
And not once do you come home
To find a man sitting in your bedroom...

However invincible you imagine yourself to be
You are wrong...

Thirty-three years go by
And you loosen the momentum of teenage nightmares
Your breasts hang like a woman's
And you don't jump at shadows anymore
Instead you may simply pause to admire
Those that move with the grace of trees
Dancing past streetlights
And you walk through your house without turning on lamps
Sure of the angle from door to table
From table to staircase
Sure of the number of steps
Seven to the landing
Two to turn right
Then seven more
Sure you will stroll serenely on the moving walkway of memory
Across your bedroom
And collapse with a sigh onto your bed
Shoes falling
Thunk thunk
Onto the floor
And there will be no strange man
Suddenly all that time sitting there

So sure are you of the endless drumming rhythm of your isolation
That you are painfully slow to adjust
If only because
Yours is not that genre of story
Still and again, life cannot muster the stuff of movies
No bullets shattering glass
Instead fear sits patiently
Fear almost smiles when you finally see him

New as you are, really, to the idea that
Even after you've long since gotten used to the parameters
They can all change
While you're out one night having a drink with a friend
Some big hand may be turning a big dial
Switching channels on your dreams
Until you find yourself lost in them
And watching your daily life with the sound off
And of course having cautiously turned down the flame under your eyes
There are more shadows around everything
Your vision a dim flashlight that you have to shake all the way to the outhouse
Your solitude elevating itself like the spirit of the dead
Presiding over your supposed repose
Not really sleep at all...
-Ani DiFranco

2008-12-05T13:05:00.000-08:00

"Charisma was originally a religious term, meaning 'of the spirit,' or 'inspired.' It's about letting God's light shine through us."
- Marianne Williamson, A Course in Miracles

remember this?

2008-12-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

i pause at the window to watch the 18 yellow buses
diagonally lined up
school doors open
tiny multi-colored babies emerge
the first few running, jumping, busting out of the doors
then the straight orderly lines
the formation still unable to contain a few
dancing, bouncing toward home
such boundless energy, excitement
free at last
c.

2008-12-03T07:16:00.000-08:00

In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was
in me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus

Gratitude Fest

2008-11-27T06:32:00.001-08:00

humbly, i bow
giving deep thanks
for obvious blessings
and not so obvious blessings
that equate to guide me

Gratitude for
Days dedicated to gratitude
Rays of sun, Light of stars
Root of earth, Winds of change
Ever expanding awareness & awe
Continuing opportunities to do good work
My human families
family friendly lovely souls who assist
ancestors who sacrificed for my gain
those that walk with me
My spiritual families
gurus & teachers that guide protect illuminate
those that walked before me

Gratitude
this day & ever forward
om amen
c.

dream it, do it

2008-11-26T05:45:00.000-08:00

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization... It refers to man's desire for self-fulfillment, namely to the tendency for him to become actually in what he is potentially: to become everything one is capable of becoming." - Abraham Maslow

splatters on the windshield

2008-11-24T08:42:00.000-08:00

people who don't take responsibility or maximize on opportunities bug me today.
im seemingly surrounded!
oblivious? ignorant? unable or refusing to acknowledge the ripples that this creates & how it affects multitudes of other people? so apparent to me!
oh, what a fine time to practice compassion.
here's to interconnectedness,
c.

janis wisdom

2008-11-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

i first heard this when i was 18
and it plays on my mental tape with something akin to regularity
and like an old shirt
it fits once again...

I don't understand why half the world is still cryin', man,
when the other half of the world is still cryin' too, man,
I can't get it together
I mean, if you got a cat for one day, man
I mean, if you, say, say, if you want a cat for 365 days, right
You ain't got him for 365 days,
you got him for one day, man.
Well I tell you that one day, man,
better be your life.
Because, you know, you can say, oh man,
you can cry about the other 364, man,
but you're gonna lose that one day, man,
and that's all you've got.
You gotta call that love, man.
That's what it is, man.
If you got it today you don't want it tomorrow, man,
'cause you don't need it,
'cause as a matter of fact,
as we discovered on the train,
tomorrow never happens, man.
It's all the same fucking day, man.
- Janis Joplin, Ball & Chain (Live)

all those things you fear
they HAVEN'T HAPPENED
to the end of fear
to the now, man.
c.

flying crow(s)

2008-11-18T09:21:00.000-08:00

the last few mornings, i've awoken to the sound of crows. lots of crows. giant crows.
i sigh at the prodding and crawl from bed to stand at the window
yesterday gray clouds in a pink pre-sunrise sky
today snow softly falling
hundreds of black silhouettes in the trees surrounding my bedroom... more flying in, seemingly an endless cloud, hovering, bouncing in the wind, seeking a branch hold.
why so many in one place? why now? why does their number & noise unsettle me so much?

a bit of research on the native american angle...
Crow: Keeper of the Sacred Law
crow is the omen of change
& offers protection
personal integrity is your guide in life
be mindful of your opinion & actions
you must be willing to walk your talk
put aside fear of your voice &
speak your truth
know your life's mission

"something is wrong if the crows are especially noisy"
c.

it's all just a blink

2008-11-17T17:35:00.000-08:00

toronto

2008-11-11T19:31:00.000-08:00

i walked the labyrinth pictured above in downtown toronto last week, after stumbling upon it with a dear friend. never walked one before. instructions at the beginning say to pose your question or intention & you will have an answer by the center.

really...?

it was an interesting experience. she knew of it b/c one of the teachers in our lineage had found it, walked it, and told her about it... knowing that elders had walked the same path before us was a very tangible feeling. i felt gurus there with me (and according to the psychic i recently encountered, apparently i have a group of old men yogis surrounding me. i love it. and yes, folks, she also said i should write a book...) the mental reaction of enjoying straight-aways and suddenly coming to a corner was interesting. practicing trust - letting the path unfold and trying not to give in to the desire to raise your gaze & check your progress. existence of other meditative souls surrounding you, walking on the same path. people that joined as we walked, almost like we encouraged them to try it in public. the lady (pictured above) who when realizing i was going the other direction, got frazzled & said she must be going the wrong way. i considered, then had to break my silence to encourage her and tell her that i was on my way out - thus our passing. the girl who jumped up and down and squealed "i did one of these in prison..."

and yes, i got my answer. i made my decision. maybe i knew it all along & finally acknowledged it. or as a friend said - i'd already made my decision & was seeking permission. this phrase "giving myself permission" has been running through my head a lot lately. seems im the last one to allow myself.

finally giving myself permission,
c.

thought for the day

2008-11-11T19:24:00.000-08:00

paraphrased thought from Turning the Mind Into An Ally:

sometimes we get 'stingy' (good word) with our thoughts & intentions. we don't even want to give that away to other people and discredit it with a "how can that possibly help?" mentality. yet when we hear that someone is thinking about us in that positive way, my how the tables turn & those thoughts, for which we are grateful, suddenly have power...

shine it out,
c.

momentary inspiration

2008-10-28T19:18:00.001-07:00

Trust in your ability to thrive.

homework

2008-10-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

i received a homework assignment tonite...

i suggest you try it too...

watch this... and dance your heart out...

"Get up offa that thing,
and shake 'till you feel better,
Get up offa that thing,
and try to release that pressure!"

just look at that man get down!
c stands for crazy dancin' fool,
c.

summoning the courage

2008-10-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
- Kahlil Gibran

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
- Dale Carnegie

Don't die without embracing the daring adventure your life is meant to be. You may go broke. You may experience failure and rejection repeatedly. You may endure multiple dysfunctional relationships. But these are all milestones along the path of a life lived courageously. They are your private victories, carving a deeper space within you to be filled with an abundance of joy, happiness, and fulfillment. So go ahead and feel the fear - then summon the courage to follow your dreams anyway. That is strength undefeatable.

from Courage - by Steve Pavlina