Adieu

Time to close this virtual chapter.
Thanks for reading.
Love & light on your journey.
Cleveland Yogini signing off,
c.

rustbelt playground

i never expected

leaning on a snow fence

alongside a highway

staring at that water

to be so comfortable

la-z-boy comfortable

traveling at breakneck speed

my head much too close to the ground

laughing to pee

your rocket booster

i tip off at the last second

careening screaming you take the jump

jumping out of the car

screaming

arms waving to raise majesty

abandoned riverfront

thousands of sea gulls

get the last laugh

temporary campfires riverside in the dark

beauty doesnt always have meaning

tell of the contradictions you see

a dying city

a former powerhouse of magnificence

kenya doesnt understand

(i'll tell you what beauty is

its in the eye of the beholder)

its what happens when he builds me a snowman

hot chocolate in the garden

arms sore from snowball fights

perfect placement

head whips forward

alley cats cheer

i gotta remember to run

zig

zag

snow down the collar retaliation

retreat!

the church will provide refuge

but these stone city churches

are long since locked

saving nobody

yoga in the soft snow

snow pants padded

learning to roll

with it

free handstands

oh sorry, i was looking at that dog

you did the Iditarod proud

mush!

ease back

praise the winter sky

tree silhouettes

with song

1am sitting in (how many chairs?)

adirondack chairs

stacked on top of kitchen tables

watching it softly snow on

christmas story land

urban dreaming

organic produce

composting

mixed with

weekly pesticide application

wasted water

dichotomy

i could care less

if my neighbor is

an 83 year old

venture capitalist

with a tux wearing butler

and a hall of armor

a study in contrasts

give me reclaimed grit anyday

kiss my fingertips

in the wee hours

The Sunrise Ruby

In the early morning hour,
just before dawn, lover and beloved wake
and take a drink of water.

She asks, "Do you love me or yourself more?
Really, tell the absolute truth."

He says, "There's nothing left of me.
I'm like a ruby held up to sunrise.
Is it still a stone, or a world
made of redness? It has no resistance
to sunlight."

This is how Hallaj said, I am God,
and told the truth!

The ruby and the sunrise are one.
Be courageous and discipline yourself.

Completely become hearing and ear,
and wear this sun-ruby as an earring.

Work. Keep digging your well.
Don't think about getting off from work.
Water is there somewhere.

Submit to a daily practice.
Your loyalty to that
is a ring on the door.

Keep knocking, and the joy inside
will eventually open a window
and look out to see who's there.

-Rumi

joy truly is the greatest aphrodisiac,
c.

Give up what no longer works.

"Sometimes snakes can't slough. They can't burst their old skin. Then they go sick and die inside the old skin, and nobody ever sees the new pattern. You need a real desperate recklessness to burst your old skin at last. You simply don't care when happens to you, so long as you get out." -D.H. Lawrence

tonight tonight

i learned a lot this week... a lot about my body, about healing it and nurturing it. a lot about patience as i work with an injury that has dramatically altered my yoga practice as i know it... temporarily, i hope. i marvel as it is already strengthening other parts of me, physical and beyond. perhaps sometimes the limitation does become the strength. my perceived physical & emotional injuries are surely blessings because the doorways opening up are taking me even deeper. i learned a lot about the ways i hold myself back, the excuses i make, and the stories i tell myself. i rid myself of the lies ive been feeding myself for quite some time and finally, truly tuned into my heart. rediscovering what it's like to live from this place of joy, intensity, beauty, and synchronicity that i had lost has truly brought me back home to myself. i was reminded of the important lesson that our experience is defined by what we choose to see. the past is now, the pain is now, the beauty is now, the great big love is now, it's all right here, right now. being present.

mom was right (again). there is nothing like a man that can dance. tonight i danced the night away with the best partner ive had since my father. he danced me all across the floor, he twirled me, he spun me, he moved me, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, he bowed to my curtsy after every song... and as my hair spun out behind me during the last song of the night, i tuned in to hear frank singing... "if i can, make it there, i'll make it, anywhere.... it's up to you New York, New Yoooooork..." tears leaking, heart open, i realized that im done analyzing it. this scorecard i've been carrying around doesn't matter. i don't care if i made it there. because i'm here. and i wouldn't be where i am, right here, right now, without all of the very necessary, very painful experiences of this previous year. between songs, my dance partner with Down's Syndrome shared with me his dream to be on Dancing with the Stars. i learned so much from his lead. god in oh so many forms.

i knew i would arrive at this place of understanding eventually, but it took a while for me to get here on my own & i doubted frequently along the way. all of it had to happen exactly as it happened. much gratitude for all of it. just in time for a gleaming bright 2010... out with the old...

hey god, i'm ready.
c.

(don't) take your seat

as i struggle with not reacting to the latest non-funny bit of lila in my life & turn another corner on the path, the first piece of yoga advice i stumble upon is this - twice in 1 day from different sources:

"The obstacles in our path are the path. Every time we stretch beyond our resistance and our fear, we make a choice for life. And every time we choose life, fear loses its grip on us. We all know more than we think we do and we are stronger than we believe ourselves to be. We come to our mats, and to our lives, to learn by going where we have to go." - Rolf Gates

changin' habits

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

3:59am

"to wear out one's intellect in an obstinate adherence to the individuality of things, not recognizing the fact that all things are one - this is called Three in the Morning." - Taoist philosopher Chuang Tzu (275 B.C.)

4am: realizing things are not separate, but One...

it is said to be the ability to face the time between 3 and 4am in the middle of the night that holds the seed, the purpose, the illumination, in our human journey.

Three in the Morning

the pursuit of truth
is the loneliest path
i have ever known.

Mahasamadhi Day

today marks the 7th anniversary (12/3/2002) of Hariharananda's, my Teacher's guru, mahasamadi. mahasamadhi is when an enlightened one consciously & intentionally leaves his body for the final time. i don't know how else to convey that this is different than death...

here is a video of him discussing the benefits of Kriya Yoga, filmed just a few years before he died at the Kriya Yoga ashram in Homestead:

you know what this means...

act I
full moon light
shining in the skylight
lights up the bed

act II
i think of the things you said
you could not allow to happen
every time those things happen pleasantly to me

intermission
soup is being served
in the lobby
for a free donation

act III
as though i could ever forget
your birthday
happy birthday!!!

a seed of something larger

"Disappointment is defined by whether what happens is close or not to what we expect. We hear ourselves uttering, "That was disappointing" as opposed to "That was a surprise." The obstacle is really our endless dowry of expectations, which we create & then feel entitled to. Expecting life to confirm to our image... often prevents us from seeing what life freshly brings us.
Failure, it seems, is disappointment allowed to root within one's self-esteem. Yet after falling down enough, after having things pass through our hands repeatedly, after having so many of life's blessings arrive from beyond the range of all our schemes and plans, it seems odd to define success or failure by whether we get what we want or by how close we land to where we aim. Quite the contrary, failure would seem to be the limitations that cap our possibilities if we get only what we want and if we touch only what we aim for." - from my new favorite book Facing the Lion, Being the Lion by Mark Nepo

less, but still, i get caught up in notions of failure. these past few months, many a time, i've tried unsuccessfully to establish some kind of final score. one day i asked for a scoreboard to clarify the relationship between my own perceptions of failed attempts & others' unsolicited proclamations of my successes. (silly girl, the game is not over... and the score doesnt matter anyways) the emotional reactions are less than they used to be but oh yes, they definitely still stop by for a spot of tea. yet lately, when i felt the negative draw down starting to happen, this idea kept recurring in front of me... different sources... much too frequently for me to not pay attention... this idea that darkness is nec'y to see the stars (generating a One Day idea for my very first interactive performance art exhibit but that's another post for another day...) perhaps pain happens to reveal the heart, to create the joy. so this last time, ive tried my hardest yet to hold space, to witness, but not to hurry or try to perceive before its time, where it all was taking me.

"Eventually the art of being awake thins our protections until we are close to having nothing left between inner and outer. It leads us into the pain-joy of being alive with nothing in the way. There is less and less between heart and world. In the morning, I am sure this is a deep blessing. By night, it seems a curse... I notice everything now, and more, I am everything I notice... we live like burn survivors screaming at the air. This too is part of being awake, this being on fire always looking for a sea. Carrying the weight of feeling and perception and having nowhere to go with it is the burden of being a watcher." - Nepo

"why am i the only one crying?" and yet, it's not sorrow... solely...

answers to questions i never before dared ask.

i have read that we write & read books for the experience of having another describe & thus validate our experiences & the associated emotions. i am so grateful for the words that have been given to me lately & cannot recall feeling the amount of passion, gratitude, and force that these words have evoked in me ever before in my life. someone has put into words and explained what i have been trying to understand/explain for most of my life. in these words, i know i am not alone in this experience. for this, i have intense gratitude.

today, once again, fleetingly, for just a moment, it all makes sense & i see. laughter bubbles. i stop looking & again it lights on my shoulder. mini enlightenment #1201. so much greater than me, im left simply grateful for my part in any of it. a tear drips to know that i helped. the witness finds no solace in the glee either. stay tuned for the next act... b'c the game is not yet over.

when the heart starts to open, aliveness and woundedness reveal themselves to be the same thing...

"It's as if what is unbreakable - the very pulse of life - waits for everything else to be torn away, and then in the bareness that only silence and suffering and great love can expose, it dares to speak through us and to us. It seems to say, if you want to last, hold on to nothing. If you want to know love, let in everything. If you want to feel the presence of everything, stop counting the things that break along the way." - Nepo

so again, i remind myself: it's about showing up, living through, letting it unfold, and doing best to stay outta the way.

"There are circumstances that must shatter you; and if you are not shattered, then you have not understood your circumstances. In such circumstances, it is a failure for your heart NOT to break. And it is pointless to put up a fight, for a fight will blind the opportunity that has been presented by your misfortune. Do you wish to persevere pridefully in the old life? Of course you do: the old life was a good life. But it is no longer available to you. It has been carried away, irreversibly. So there is only one thing to be done. Transformation must be met with transformation. Where there was the old life, let there be the new life. Do not persevere. Dignify the shock. Sink, so as to rise." - Leon Wieseltier

today as i sit & watch the sun set over the city, im resolute in knowing that the (perceived) waiting is well worth it - in fact, it's the only way.

may you know deep peace,
c.

arrival time

there's a subtle avoidance
a searching outside myself
a refusal to acknowledge
to take time
that falls away
as i observe my feet
place themselves on the mat
i arrive back within myself

working on gratitude

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity… It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. -Melodie Beattie

Witness

When I can be the witness
all manner of miracles occur -
old wounds heal, the past
reveals itself to be released,
present dramas play themselves
out without sinking emotional
talons into my soft skin. The
witness welcomes truth and dares
to meet reality on its
own terms. It is the ground
in which the seeds of
transformation take root
and finally flower. When
the witness is awake, the
lake of the mind is still, and
in that mirrored surface,
I see my own true face
as Spirit smiling back at me.
-Danna Faulds, from Go In & In

carrying the buddha

"A rabbi asks his students, "How do you know the first moment of dawn has arrived?" After a great silence, one pipes up, "When you can tell the difference between a sheep & a dog." The rabbi shakes his head no. Another offers, "When you can tell the difference between a fig tree & an olive tree." Again, the rabbi shakes his head no. There are no other answers. The rabbi circles their silence & walks between them, "You know the first moment of dawn has arrived when you look into the eyes of another human being & see yourself." - Mark Nepo


















last year, about this time, i went to see a friend in Toronto. i bought a 2-foot tall, 30-ish pound concrete buddha in some funky Eastern-inspired store on Queen Street & carried it quite a ways back to the car. the reception that i received from people along the way struck me... people moving aside to let buddha pass, others with hands together acknowledging, or sending big grins in my direction. as i put Buddha in the trunk, i realized i had just experienced full-blown Namaste... and i wondered why it isn't always this way, why a stone statue was nec'y to create a sense of connection amongst urban strangers... and heaven forbid it be nec'y for me to routinely carry a heavy statue to directly experience interconnectedness!

shopping for Thanksgiving foodstuffs yesterday, i was struck by the communal sense of holiday, glee, smiles, politeness, well wishes... and that's when i decided i want to live like this 365!

starting now! so this year, i'm embarking on Holiday Namaste 2009! you're invited to join me in carrying the buddha. you will be supported in this venture in my classes & in my posts here. i encourage you in turn to share your experiences with me & thereby the others journeying with us. the holidays can be a trying time for many, when emotions ramp up and many of us shut down or wallow in what we perceive lacking in our lives. this year, it's about choosing to allow that holiday feelin' in! this is beyond materialism. i'm not even telling you to put a few coins in that bell-ringing red kettle... but look the Salvation Army volunteer in the eye & acknowledge them! let your heart-lovin' shine out to all the strangers and people you encounter. live the yoga, the union. live Namaste. it's the time of year that no one will think you crazy, others' high spirits will encourage your own, and this will be training for continuing such mutual respect long past when the last of the tinsel is swept out of the house. gaze into the light of your fellow human beings while you gaze upon the holiday lights. allow the levity of the season to lift you a little higher. "it is in giving that we receive and in receiving that we give..."

happy holidays. here's to cracking open even wider,
c.

how to do this.

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.
~ John Wesley

thank you.

i'm so grateful for:

this body that moves!















the amazing work i'm called to do!















ordinary moments that reveal epiphanies!















blissful inspiring company
















paths that teach the lessons i need to learn














daily opportunities to be in the flow, say yes!,
& crack open a little more!
















... He plays His flute & we all dance along...
I felt the light of the sun
and this heart that I thought had just died
Started coming slowly alive
I believe in faith
Only in the darkness can you see the stars ablaze
-T.H.

humbled & overflowing with gratitude,
c.

Tensions of Awakening

To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. This requires not only courage, but also a strong faith. -Henri Nouwen

"More than once I have encountered what I thought was failure, only to realize later that had I been given what I asked for, it would have buried my soul - work that wasn't really mine, upholding relationships that were never really what I thought they were, loyalties to maps bequeathed to me by lonely dreamers who wanted me to find what they could never. For a loving person, I must confess I have had a lot of relationships fail. Of course, over a lifetime, relationships will fail or run their course. But still, as I walk on yet another morning shore, watching the gulls fight and ride the wind, I can't help but wonder, was it me?
I think in most cases, I was standing by my core, finding myself inevitably in a place where loving on the terms required began to violate and damage that core. I suppose those beautiful souls I was drawn to love thought they were standing by their core. What if both are true? Is this another paradox about heartache to bare and bear? Is this all part of the inevitable journey toward the brutally exquisite fact of being here?"
- excerpted from Facing the Lion, Being the Lion - Finding Inner Courage Where It Lives by Mark Nepo

feel it all.

sooner or later, pain must be experienced.
feel it.
this doesn't mean attach or get carried away by the story... simply: feel it.
in the race, pain will always win. keep stride.