does it get any better...

than a late sunday night sweet-smelling, gentle summer rain?
c.

end of week 1

(and no, that's not me, just slightly how i feel ;)

i am
constrained
ungrounded
unbalanced
strong
powerful
yet (still!) slightly mentally self-defeating

where, oh where, does that last one come from? and what is the benefit???

i should probably start painting just to see what comes out

this is the first strong internet connection ive had... perhaps b/c its the first time ive had a thoughts that i could put to words... tis why i havent written to anyone or posted.

to expound on the above: yogini power moving to a new city is interesting. you cant very well walk into new situations, new relationships, and unleash it all. so you hold it back. and when you're not used to holding it back, you end up feeling emotionally constrained, creatively repressed, and even somewhat compromised. friday evening yoga classes are good for letting that go.

i've realized - but never fully, b/c you can never fully realize until you no longer have it - just how many absolutely amazing friends and connections and social opportunities - and the sangha! - that i had in cleveland. it doesnt end, but its good challenge to re-create that in a new immediate environment.

the sense of divine connection and connectedness that i had before i left cleveland are still present but fuzzy, a bit topsy-turvy. a conversation last night left me feeling adrift, misunderstood... until talking to the teacher after class tonite, i heard many of things i said yesterday echoed back to me. hello divinity! welcome home! made me laugh to receive the messages back. ok, loud & clear!

book im reading spoke of a swami in india born in the shadow of a mountain who never strayed more than 2 miles from his birthplace his entire loooong life. hmmm... im 210 miles.

who loves their comfort zone, baby? i do, i do. dont we all. stagnating, boring, unchanging comfort zones.

life as practice... means that the asana practice becomes a clearing of the mental and emotional cobwebs, rather than the whole focus. its a re-fueling, a re-charging, a pit stop, that allows you to head back out into it.

in a way, im living out my ashram/monastery fantasy smack dab in the middle of downtown buffalo, sirens screaming by. that makes me giggle. that and the fact that im setting up my apartment like a 6 year old would. its like a tree house. i sold my tv... which in our culture is the focal point of the living room... so it was fun to entertain what replaces that... who wants to look into the house? or at the brick fireplace? so i put the couch smack dab in the center of the room and turned it to look out the window - b/c that's what i want to look at! and there is no one to tell me im ridiculous. furniture arranging has never been my strong suit - but maybe now that im arranging furniture solely so it makes me happy, im learning how to do it.

on the yoga studio wall tonite: 'Grant that I may have appropriate difficulties on this journey to awaken my heart.' warriors, unite.

giggle quote of the week: "be realistic. expect a miracle." - Osho

remember that its all a game. dont attach. keep playing as best you can.

my love & thx to D. couldnt have made the move w/o you!
c.

last of swami lalitananda

O Divine Mother,
May all my speech and idle talk be mantra,
All actions of my hands be mudra,
All eating and drinking be the offering of oblations unto Thee,
All lying down prostrations before Thee.
May all pleasures be as dedicating my entire self unto Thee.
May everything I do be taken as Thy worship.



I am created by Divine Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light



Every cell of this, my physical body, is filled with Divine Light. Every level of consciousness is illumined with Divine Light. Divine Light penetrates every single cell of my being, every level of consciousness. I have become a channel of pure Light. I am one with the Light.

yoga info repository

whoa:

"I've become someone who trusts that though I feel as fragile as a flaming leaf in autumn, I house the capacity of a tidal wave, a meteor shower, a white tornado of inspiration. I've become someone who believes that every human being has a tornado just beneath the skin and that we are meant to live our dreams so that we can discover that natural force within us that blows constriction away." - Tama Kieves

like a piece of art im not quite sure how i feel about:

"It takes chaos to give birth to a rising star." -Nietzsche

5 states of the mental plane:
ksiptam: mind is highly agitated
mudham: mind is dull, inert, and cloudy
viksiptam: mind is able to focus but concentrating on thinking & doing, not meditating
ekagrata: mind is one-pointed & can concentrate in a state of higher contemplation
niruddham: state in which mind sees everything clearly, w/o chitta vritti distraction, 'objective' of yoga

like communism, the city of auroville is a fascinating concept. don't you fantasize about communes? best yet, it has an industrial district! love it.

happy guru purinam on this full moon! i bow... while roaring like a lion and packing my house like a tortoise (what is home?),
c.

get it where you find it

"it's all a state of mind..."
- led zepplin

windy weekend

that's a picture of me, falling out of the sky, strapped to a man's chest.
i jumped out of a plane yesterday - pushed, actually.

i went skydiving w/ my yoga friends and was very interested to learn that like me, this was a test for each of them... a test of the practice, to see if we're truly able to take it off the mat and put it to work. a test to evaluate our efforts at controlling the mental chatter & the emotional reactions. a test to see if we've overcome fears of - or at least are substantially more comfortable with - death. really not a surprise - this yoga stuff works!

the instructors seemed mildly concerned that we weren't concerned as the plane gained altitude. and we weren't. sitting, breathing, smiling, silently taking it all in. there was never a moment when i didn't want to jump out of that plane - perhaps b/c an unidentified cockpit alarm was beeping incessantly but that's neither here nor there. ;) so i sat watching the altimeter on my wrist climb to 10k feet, waiting, & soothing the man i was buckled to that i didn't need soothed.

do you have any idea how high that is? it takes about 20 minutes to gain the altitude. i envisioned a plane flying over a field and people bailing out. 10k due to clouds, typically 12k feet. at that height, you can barely make out the single prop cesna from the ground. there are no windows in the plane, so you're peeking over your shoulder out the front windshield and it's a bit of an ohhhhh when you finally are framed in the door, looking out, waiting to go.

i've always wanted to do it. a year ago i likely would have landed w/ the plane.

touching heaven
is surprisingly cold - about 45F
pure crisp air filling the lungs
falling through clouds
soft mist on my face
it was like a dream
a very intense, vivid, wide-awake dream
thinking thoughts of wonder & awe &
"this view is just like being in a plane..." hehe
60 seconds of free fall
wings spread, wind whooshing, nothing holding you back
perspective gained for all those worldly concerns
then the jerk of the parachute
and stillness, floating, for 5 minutes
gentle summer rain
appreciation for this wonderous creation
cows down below reduced to pixels on the canvas
watching the love bubble in my chest
instructor concerned i wasnt talking so i put words to it and said i love you over and over before lapsing back into silence
good practice in surrender
totally giving my life over to that man and letting myself be cared for
Blink, you rock!
we landed on our feet.

tonight, sunset dancing, wild wind on the lake erie shore
bhakti yoga, mmmm

what have you wanted to do since you were a kid? what are you waiting for?
c.

p.s. thank you to whoever left flowers on my car outside the studio last night!

filed under inspiration

stopped at the library today & found nothing that i wanted except for that which i didnt know i wanted - an amazing book called The Inner Life of Asanas, excerpted articles from a yoga mag i'd never heard of. allow me to introduce you to ascent magazine and swami lalitananda:

she practices a style called the Hidden Language approach to Hatha Yoga. sitting around with a journal evaluating the non-physical aspects of various asanas doesnt sound entirely appealing to me but the points she brings up about the asanas are so insightful. so amazing. such ah-ha! nothing like a speeding train to the next level. sweet!

some of what i caught in just a few short pages of her book...

we write to chart our journey of learning. welcome to my blog! (and the best - most humbling - part for this author, is believing i have an epiphany, only to scroll back & find i had the same one a few years prior... oh.)

but here is where the author really became my hero. she's already achieved something i've dreamed of... she opened a non-profit yoga center (radha yoga) in the scary, seedy "downtown eastside" area of vancouver. (who knew canada had ghettos... ;) that now also includes a vegan restaurant. always been my personal belief/motivation that rough urban neighborhoods & their residents need studios much more than exurban communities (all the same really?)

visual inspiration:







































verbal inspiration:

"You learn to trust your body and establish a firm foundation in your own intelligence. You become straight, able to stand alone, and willing to take a stand for what you know. Learning to support yourself without depending on an outside authority brings a sense of balance and power... It can be quite a relief to know that there is a way back to centre & that you can find your way.
The process is like climbing a mountain. It takes time and effort and means facing the challenges. But as you climb you are rewarded with a wider perspective, greater vision and understanding. You can also see where you've come from and begin to acknowledge with gratitude the outstanding people who have helped you on your way, those who stand above the ordinary like mountains on the plains.
What is observed changes what is.
The Light is available to everyone.
We can become aware that our bodies are vehicles for the Light, a Light that reveals obstacles & also dissolves them.
A promise manifests."

see why i love this lady already?

with love & gratitude to all my teachers who saw the Light in me long before i experienced it in myself,
c.