Tensions of Awakening

To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. This requires not only courage, but also a strong faith. -Henri Nouwen

"More than once I have encountered what I thought was failure, only to realize later that had I been given what I asked for, it would have buried my soul - work that wasn't really mine, upholding relationships that were never really what I thought they were, loyalties to maps bequeathed to me by lonely dreamers who wanted me to find what they could never. For a loving person, I must confess I have had a lot of relationships fail. Of course, over a lifetime, relationships will fail or run their course. But still, as I walk on yet another morning shore, watching the gulls fight and ride the wind, I can't help but wonder, was it me?
I think in most cases, I was standing by my core, finding myself inevitably in a place where loving on the terms required began to violate and damage that core. I suppose those beautiful souls I was drawn to love thought they were standing by their core. What if both are true? Is this another paradox about heartache to bare and bear? Is this all part of the inevitable journey toward the brutally exquisite fact of being here?"
- excerpted from Facing the Lion, Being the Lion - Finding Inner Courage Where It Lives by Mark Nepo

feel it all.

sooner or later, pain must be experienced.
feel it.
this doesn't mean attach or get carried away by the story... simply: feel it.
in the race, pain will always win. keep stride.

you can't always get what you want...

my confidence wanes.
people who i touched months ago reappear
to attest how helpful whatever i did was...
point taken.

"faith is taking the first step
when you cant see the rest of the staircase"
-MLK Jr
ive got less than 24 hours
to start stepping

this is it
edge of abyss nearing
no turning back now
seems ive got a calling
to answer

flute violin piano
black tie cleveland orchestra trio
ohmy
beauty brings a tear to my eye
for i know of what they sing
tell me to stop missing you

love,
Delicious

"If you bring out what is inside you,
what is inside will save you.
If you fail to bring out what is inside you,
what is inside you will destroy you."
-Gnostic Gospels

one of them nights. words flow. hours pass. stars twinkle. world sleeps.

being called to do big work. dare that sound brave, im typing this from under my bed. ;) thankfully, when i am too scared to make the phone call, the phone rings. within 48 hours, i've received all this:

- you are already healed. there is nothing missing or broken. All One. you are divine.
- mother earth needs your shit. it's her fertilizer. through some misconstrued guilt or worry, we have stopped giving these aspects to her. she knows what to do with it. she is begging for it from us & we are withholding. give her the fertilizer. there is a time to burn, to allow new life to issue forth. next year's new growth springs forth from what we allow to die now.
- imagine a life free from guilt & worry. guilt is usually a past-focused emotion, worry generally future-based. enjoy the energy you have to focus elsewhere when you free yourself of these (worthless?) emotions.
- sometimes in life we make hard decisions and these decisions close doors. you went down that path for a reason, learned what you needed to learn there. how much longer you gonna stand staring at that closed door? walk away! *fingernails dragging on the floor*
- Ganesh removes obstacles. (hey Ganesh! i can't see the path for all these obstacles!) but it is often our limitations that reveal our greatest strengths. the owner put a bell around the neck of his cat that hunted too well. this bell only increased the cat's stealth until he could hunt & kill - even more productively than before - w/o making a sound. the most difficult things that have happened to you will reveal your greatest strengths.
- Ganesh is often shown carrying a tusk - it's one of his own that he ripped off in anger & threw at the moon. the moon threw it back. he carries it as a reminder of where he has been & the tribulations he has faced.
- many people can ignore their worries and fears until nighttime. the moments before sleep are some of our most precious, as these moments set the stage for our next X hours of subconscious activity. instead of setting yourself up for nighttime anxiety and nightmares, think about what it is that you're working toward in life. spend some time feeling as you will when this happens. fall asleep in this frame of mind, using your sleep time to program these positive habits/reactions into your subconscious.
- the universe will naturally return to a place of rest. it takes a lot to fight, to stay angry and bitter. dont waste the energy.
- accept responsibility for what happened. even more importantly, accept responsibility for YOUR reactions & emotions about whatever happened.
- forgive. first yourself. then the other person(s) involved. there is great freedom in forgiveness.
- stand back. big waves wash over. let it come. then get up. and serve.

momma, these hips hurt.

He fixed both my wings and taught me how to fly...
c.

haiku for M2

november sunburn
topless acceleration
hair smells of sunshine

what is it that you're looking for...?

'This very moment is the perfect teacher,' is really a profound instruction. Just seeing what's going on - that's the teaching right there. Awareness is found in our pleasure & our pain, our confusion & our wisdom. It's available in each moment of our weird, unfathomable, ordinary lives. -Pema Chodron

...the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself. -Pema Chodron

Where will you find some help? Inside yourself! Don't you see this is just the trouble - everybody is waiting for help from outside, and as everybody is expecting help and not giving it, nobody gets help. But if everybody would give help, everybody would receive it too. Then the whole world could be freed from suffering! -Elisabeth Haich

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."-Ernest Hemingway

the ladybugs sho are loud today,
c.

happy full moon

have someone read it aloud to you or read it aloud to yourself... and savor.
mmm
ecstatically,
c.

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with

our whole lives, the touch of

spirit on the body. Seawater

begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately

it needs some wild darling!

At night, I open the window and ask

the moon to come and press its

face against mine. Breathe into

me. Close the language door and

open the love window. The moon

won't use the door, only the window.

-Rumi.