power vs. force (days 15 & 16)

on why i prefer to call it cleanse, not detox...

"Gandhi won in his struggle because his position was one of far greater power. The British Empire represented force, and whenever force meets power, force is eventually defeated...
The difference between treating and healing is that in the former, the context remains the same, whereas in the latter, the clinical response is elicted by a change of context so as to bring about an absolute removal of the cause of the condition rather than mere recovery from its symptoms." - David Hawkins

thus why i prefer to think about cleansing the junk out permanently and learning to replace it w/ better, as opposed to detoxifying my body, which to me has a temporary connotation. seriously, ive been sensitive to which of the 2 words to use since this all began. i read the above and it clicked.

im finding a 3-day weekday juice fast to be most challenging as im having a ridiculously stressful work week and the juice isnt providing enough "juice" for my taxed body while im at work... so both day 1 and day 2 ive taken (3) 16-oz juice concoctions to work (which have been very good!) and eaten dinner when i got home. but im so strong and determined in the morning! perhaps if i was a realist instead of an idealist, i would eat a sensible breakfast and juice the remainder of the day, instead of taxing my stomach before sleep. is my professional situation more demanding than other peoples' who have successfully done this cleanse per the directions, or am i just worse at coping. regardless of the answer, its where im at. :(

once again, how i wish i could find 30 days to focus on just this cleanse, reading, and my physical practice!!! noticing the sunshine only when racing from the car into a building for a meeting is not sufficient.

overtaxed ;),
c.

i find the cure for ice cream! (day 14)

i think they'll give me a Nobel prize for this...
or i can talk about it during my speech when they give me the Nobel for something else...
i found the cure for ice cream!
more on this later...

i went to ashtanga class tonite and felt like a 4th grader. it was hilarious to me! sitting in full lotus and trying to cram my arms through my legs started it all off... when we got to the pose called cuckoo i almost laughed louder than ever in my whole life. i skipped a lot of the flow between poses. it allows me to focus more on the actual series of poses (which im still learning) b/c it saves my strength. so Big Fat Load won out over the Overachiever but it was a tough fight, full of much mental criticism. i've blown my shoulders for days after every ashtanga class ive ever done... with the exception of tonite. thank you Big Fat Load! (anyone know how many chatturangas in the primary series? how 'bout lots!) i practiced next to kate, so my load-ness should have succeeded in making her feeling all talented & svelte. when my mind wasn't at war w/ itself, i was dreaming of ice cream. whatever happened to my focused yoga mind? i get on the mat now and food demons come up.

side story: i appreciate that adage that if you look for information to support any argument, you'll find it. i read an article in yesterday's sunday paper (which of course i can't locate by searching cleveland.com) that talks about how if you are determinedly working to improve willpower in one area of your life, it will slip in other areas. thank you scientists. i havent been as disciplined in other areas of my life while ive been busy competing for Ms. Raw Martha Stewart 2008.

back to my amazing discovery: i came home and wanted CHOCOLATE or ICE CREAM or anything sweet and creamy. uh-oh. tomorrow starts juice day. so i juiced a cucumber. it was amazing!!! and i got so excited about juicing... im not going to spend hours everyday prepping and thinking about food. my counter is clear again! look!










but i still wanted chocolate. my brain never forgot the top-shelf cupboard depths where i stashed the last of the ghirardelli choc chips. so i ate ONE. it was disgusting. the sugar was so sweet in a very bad way - it tasted acrid. hooray!!! i hate sugar! but i still wanted something... so i went back to Ani. im gonna become best friends with this girl. she is awesome!

cacao pudding my way

1/2 c. almonds to 1/4 c. water
blend/process
add ~1/8 c. shredded coconut, 1.5 pitted dates, and 1/2 tbs cocoa
process
put in freezer for a few
eat amazing version of raw(enough) ice cream.
mmmmm!

cuckoo for (raw-ish) cocoa pudding,
c.

p.s. to you who gave me pitted dates in a hospital lab specimen bag (they look like roaches) for just such a sugar emergency - thank you! you saved the night!

don't quit minutes before the miracle (days 12 &13)

the weekend was a bit physically and mentally rough. major cravings, mostly girl-inspired in nature but with a bit of im-going-to-starve-to-death-on-juice thrown in. being given time to contemplate the next cleanse step before it happens and watching the reactions is really interesting and the group meeting is very helpful to work through it. i wanted to be alone alone alone and managed that most of the weekend. very introspective. not much patience for drama or idle chatter.

spiritually, i love this experience (all of it AND the cleanse! ;) there is an intensity emerging that is a bit startling. i was Intense Yoga Teacher this weekend. i was very much able to get out of the way and be open to something Greater while i was teaching. it led to some of my students having very intense experiences of their own and they were marveling and wonderous on their way out. whatever happens during the yoga process is fascinating indeed. even more so that everyone has their own unique experience. i was so tired this weekend that i didnt get out to other yoga classes other than the ones i taught and i really missed it. i have yoga buzz w/in seconds of class starting now and it is sustained all evening long. a side effect of unadulterated oxygen when the body is clean, perhaps?

i took one meal off raw this weekend b/c after thinking about it for days, i decided my body needed it. i did it right - cloth napkins, the whole bit. made it a conscious eating exercise as opposed to succumbing to a craving. the food tasted as amazing as i had fantasized. didnt make me sick or shock my system at all. it was warm and made me satiated and pleasantly full. good exercise in recognizing what the body needed and how positively it reacted when it was provided. im doing raw today & going to start juice tonite.

i went and saw shakespeare's all's well that ends well performed live yesterday. i was so amazed by (all that memorization!) his genius as a playwright on my way out of the theater. it was written so many years ago and yet it's still so relevant AND entertaining... yet today, my yoga brain pipes up that it was written hundreds of years ago and human nature has yet to evolve beyond petty human nature & self-created drama in all that time? makes me fearful that these heinous apocalyptic dramas starring will smith will still be watched in hundred years time? ;)

i have to post one of the recipes i couldn't get enough of this weekend. its a "scramble" from Ani Phyo, a raw chef. i think its a great egg salad replacement. her book also lists the nutritional info, which is impressive in a good way.

Love-the-Chicks Pate from Ani Phyo (click for pic and more info)

2 c. dry raw almonds
1 c. dry raw sunflower seeds
2 tsps tumeric (i know it sounds like a lot. but its so good! don't scrimp!)
1/2 tsp sea salt (buy sea salt, not iodized salt. big taste diff! eat ocean!)
1/2 c. water.

food process dry; then add water.

you can stir in sesame seeds, peppers, tomatoes and other yummy vegs. if you can stop eating it w/ a spoon out of the food processor long enough to wrap it in big lettuce leaves, its yummy yummy! great summer meal that will definitely be sticking around for me.

another interesting one of hers i tried b/c i like milk in principle but not in reality is her Almond Mylk. it's neither cow nor soy - perfect for me! i changed it a bit so im going to put the recipe i used and you can click the link for her original:

Almond Mylk

1/2 c. almonds
1/2 of one pitted date (i should have used 1 or 1.5 dates but i dont want lots of sweet...)
1/2 vanilla bean, dried
pinch sea salt
~4 cups water

put in blender for a really long time.

c.'s note: almond particulates abound. may want to strain. how fun are tiny vanilla bean seeds in my milk. mmmm.

bring on the juice,
c.

p.s. gold star of the day goes to you who provided me with the above title. thanks.

a teeny light (day 11)

last night i found the one remaining cell of my being that wanted to continue with the cleanse... that really wanted to respect this process & truly give it my best effort. not sure what that says for my likelihood to continue eating so beautifully when i no longer have a cleanse goal, but that's not very present minded of me, is it?

i skipped my late afternoon piece of fruit yesterday... partially on accident, and partially to see what would happen. what happened is i realized how much i still rely on it to get thru the evening! my experiments are never-ending. (p.s. science fair update: i love sprouted lentils! they're crunchy with water, like green peppers. much better than the mush that results whenever i try to cook them.)

i have been almost constantly exhausted since day 3, but just today, im starting to catch fleeting glimpses of steady strong energy on the other side - similar to fleeting amazing meditation experiences. such momentary glimpses of Greatness are much appreciated motivation for keeping me on this path... which truly just keeps getting better and better.

future-minded all over the place today.
shanti (peace),
c.

and the courage to withstand brownies...

re-reading my excited raw grocery store post for motivation. im reaallly tired of preparing raw food half the night when i could be sleeping. isnt this what they created drive-thrus for???

hard yoga class tonite made me crankyeeeee. sugar demons came up. she asked what body part we were focusing on and i said brownies. oh boy.

god give the strength...
c.

watch your fingers! - days 9 & 10

3rd day of raw and im preparing and creating more food than ever! with some bloody repercussions... i like to observe what my reflex reactions are to things. i dropped a nice curse when i sliced my finger open last night. should have gone to bed while i was ahead. still learning. moments like this render it so much more amazing to me that when Gandhi was shot, he fell down saying Ram (his mantra - a name of God), or when i tell my gramma to talk to test her hearing aid, she starts saying the hail mary. what's your internal mantra?

and sprouting? ...it really IS fun! i can't believe im saying that either. but those crazy posts about living food are true. to see a sprout emerge from what was hard as a stone is really neat. day 1 had my chickpeas just starting little white sprouts (pic forthcoming)

day 2 meant slightly longer sprouts - and then they were pulverized into hummus. i wanted to wait for green on the sprouts, but i cant imagine letting them grow longer than 2 days b/c the sprout is fibrous and i think it could start to make the bean a little tough. i have always hated chickpeas, but i like the sprouted taste & consistency. i started sprouting lentils this morning. keep you posted.

i made the hummus with raw (of course) garlic. my sugar-loaded body despised onion and garlic, but ive had such a taste for garlic so i caved, thinking it my body's cry for immuno-defense and additional detox-ifying help... i sampled some of my handiwork before bed last night; first thing this morning, my coworker commented about my garlic smell. so in typical c. fashion, i offered it around to everyone in my vicinity so we'll all stink! :D

god's gift: avocados with a squeeze of lime, sea salt, and fresh black pepper. mmmm! next up: guac w/ fresh cilantro.

went to the doc yesterday and he was very positive about the cleanse. (note: this is my doctor, approving of it for my own body, so dont take my word for it. if you're concerned about trying it, get your own opinion. so there.) the supplements tested very well on my body. he commented that my muscles are working so much better ("like a completely different body") than when he saw me a few weeks ago. i asked him why i am so exhausted and he says im converting my body from a sugar-burning body to a fat-burning body. oh. and that it should take about 2 to 3 weeks before i stop being so tired. he always seems to tell me what i already know, i had mentally given myself a 2-3 week timeframe. i expect that i should be back to normal energy or beyond sometime next week.

thought for today from dalai lama's autobiography... he says lots of positive things about the West, but this comment after he visited NYC particularly struck me...

"Another observation is that there are a lot of people in the West who live comfortably in large cities, but virtually isolated from the broad mass of humanity. I find this very strange - that under the circumstance of such material well-being and with thousands of brothers and sisters for neighbors, so many people appear able to show their true feelings only to their cats and dogs. This indicates a lack of spiritual values, I feel. Part of the problem here is perhaps the intense competitiveness of life in these countries, which seems to breed fear and a deep sense of insecurity.

For me, this alienation is symbolized by something I once saw at the home of a very rich man whose guest I was on one of my trips abroad. It was a very large private house, obviously designed expressly for convenience and comfort, and fitted with every kind of appliance. However, when I went into the bathroom, I could not help noticing two large bottles of pills on the shelf about the hand basin. One contained tranquilizers, the other sleeping pills. This was proof, too, that material prosperity alone cannot bring about lasting happiness."

live large,
c.

laid raw (days 7 & 8)

skipped class last night to hit the healthy grocery store.

phooey on those yoga aphorisms "practice, practice, practice." and "yoga is 99% practice and 1% theory," eh?

i had to prepare for Raw Week. i mean, (!!!).

it was a rather emotional trip. a curly blond baby girl squatted down on her chubby haunches next to me (squatted down on my chubby haunches) and started marveling over little herb plants. almost cried. incredulous drive home watching that giant ball of fire drip down the sky. such gratitude.

for those of you not in the know - i loathe the grocery store. i am too impulsive to plan what my erratic palate will desire in 7 days time and even if i do plan, likely i dont ever find the time to create my masterpiece and it all goes to waste. yet i found buying raw to be rather fun and easy. [time for more (!!!)] no worries about high maintenance dairy - the milk going cold or the ice cream staying frozen. i cringed at what my bill would be and it was only $57. i attempted to buy a ton b/c i didnt want to run out of organic produce halfway through the week and my total was still roughly half of what i usually spend. it was so pretty i took a picture - note, no artistic arranging nec'y!

fearfully realizing it was time to start sprouting.(!!!) i stalled by reading a few good emails (thanks everyone!), leached their encouragement, and began. at 9pm, i set to soak: raw cashews, almonds, sunflower & pumpkin seeds, chickpeas and oat groats. (i dont know what those are either but it wasnt a vegetable and i can call it raw.) my goal is to lean a bit heavier on the oats, nuts, expeller pressed oils etc. at the beginning of the week and less later as i prepare for juice. this is my science experiment in progress:

















i took this pic while saying outloud "please god, dont let someone call to view my house." prepared food until about 11pm. are lemons & limes high in sugar? b/c squeezing them over raw sure makes everything amazing. ditto ginger (i use the garlic press.) truthfully, everything i made tasted fresh & amazing. exhausted i fell asleep.

still really hard to wake up this morning. i am an energy junkie. keep waiting for the cleanse to bring my energy up and keep it there but it comes & goes. i trust i am cleansing in ways i dont notice.

drained and rinsed everything at 7am. cashews probably soaked a little too long but weren't gross or soggy. oat groats tasted like chewy oatmeal. yum. almost forgot the chickpeas (likely subliminal) which would have botched the sprouting experiment, but i drained, rinsed, drained them and set them to sprouting!!! mesh lidded jar upside down in a colander in a bowl on the counter (if you're trying this at home.) grabbed last nights fixins', mixed up the nuts with some coconut, made a salad & the breakfast smoothie. flying around the house trying to do it all while looking presentably professional. mentally racing by the time i got in the car, and always telling myself that i am not doing enough, need to be doing more, really need to get it together, get to sleep earlier, meditate longer. ahhhh! Inner Critic, please go back to sleep! and we all do this inventory of issues, of non-issues... try to remind myself that entertaining this subtle violence against myself is not practicing true ahimsa (non-violence) but old habits die so hard...

got on the highway to find both highway options completely stopped - 4 lanes solid. i rolled down the windows and sighed. all of the madness just fell away. thank god. things beyond my control showed me how much i am trying to control everything! to do it all just so! my only goal on the cleanse was to eat healthier and more consciously. im doing that just fine. i was overwhelmed with such compassion for me, for everyone in their cars around me, for all of us... for our fortitude. our desire to keep trying. to be our best. and the eternal springing of hope. this time i cried. and laughed. it felt great - and truly cleansing.

im reminded of yoga author stephen cope's words - "everything is already ok."

notice the beauty,
c.