i'm scared.

coming back to oneself
integration resuming
after a period of forced separation
is an intense emotional experience
i try for gentleness w/ myself

as my own stuff bubbles up
im again able to befriend others
which was impossible
during such self preservation

i feel so little so small so unprepared
i feel so bogged down by so many belongings from when i thought stuff mattered
i feel terrified b/c god keeps screaming at me to do this work
and what if i fail???

as i watch india documentaries and see more pics from a friend's motherland journey
the realization that i am an egotistical american is hard
ive got it so easy in comparison & yet i display a fear that the impoverished don't
b/c they dont have a choice about how they survive
and i do

today is a glorious warm sunny spring day
one of the first
that finally feels like the world is warming
and i dont want it to!
said like the petulant child i feel

i just want to stay in this dark winter cave
surrounded by dust & its bunny progeny
and not let this little seed sprout
vulnerability
scary to feel like i only get one shot
and what if i miss?

growth hurts.

ego gets pissed at its inability to stop the passage of time
though i know that time passing is the only way the answer will be revealed

packing up the contents my life yet again
reflecting on where i thought i'd be and how i'm nowhere close
ego again angered
asks whats the point of laying plans & setting goals
when im just a pinball anyways

time to tune out the bells & flashing lights of this game
find the silence within
the Widsom that dwells there
once again, throw this life as Its feet
and offer it up
c.