yoga studio inspiration

dream your dreams
write them down
but live them first

beyond words

(silence)
feet not quite on the ground yet...
such an amazing experience...
it just keeps getting better & better...
c.

my post-summer "vacation"

i love to go to FL in may and in september... when i can experience summer before it comes north and have a repeat performance and a bit more sunshine before it's gone. im heading off for a weeklong meditation retreat on monday in homestead, FL. check out this aerial of homestead. i love how the built environment just ends and there's nothing but swamp... like when i got lost in houma, LA. you know i'll be driving around in the everglades. nothing like bugs the size of your fist bouncing off the windshield! ;)

this is the daiy schedule for my "vacation"

5:30am - Meditation
7:30am - Breakfast & Clean-up Seva / Announcements
8:30am - Seva
9:00am - Class
10:30am - Meditation
12:15pm - Lunch and Clean-up Seva
2:00pm - Rest and Private Study
4:45pm - Class
5:45pm - Break
6:00pm - Class
7:00pm - Meditation
8:15pm - Dinner and Clean-up Seva
9:30pm - Retire

(seva means "selfless service" or weeding the flowerbeds and doing meal dishes ;)
now you know why i giggle when people tell me to "have a nice vacation!"
and it will be nice, mainly because my meditation and meal times are so structured. the food is vegetarian, very little dairy - only yogurt and milk at breakfast. no eggs, hardly any sugar. i go through wicked detox, am miserable the first 3 days of such a routine, and i am blissful and happy by the time i leave from such structure, love, good food, and consistent schedule. i also sleep A TON.
last time i went, i stayed at the ashram. this time i'm staying at a hotel, which will make the whole transition a bit easier mentally b/c i get to come and go. i won't feel stuck there. nor will i have the odd feeling i had last time after emerging from a week of such shelter and finding myself dumped curbside at the airport. i wanted to cower behind a trash can.
i also had another giggle upon seeing seva on the schedule. the word seva has been hanging on my frig for a month, encouraging "selfless service" in my life. last time i stayed at the ashram, i hardly did any seva b/c it was such a new experience for this body that it slept about 14 hours a day. imagine me emerging from the air conditioned women's sleeping shed and stepping around some muddy lady weeding in the 95 degree heat. yes, once again in this environment, i am the new one, the little kid, the baby. doesnt seem that anyone minds. i made it to 530am meditation every morning too! and was sleeping soundly in the fetal position in the middle of the meditation hall by 6am... O:) i made it there every day, and managed to stay awake about 5 minutes longer each day. imagine the beautiful dreams that you have in the midst of a group of people praying. the dreams almost made up for my embarrassment. maybe this time i'll make it through a whole morning session. it's glorious afterwards to emerge from the meditation room to a pink sunrise and the sweetest smelling flowers.
im making all these other plans mentally for my rental car and i - mapping yoga studios (this is seated meditation only, no yoga asana practice), parks, beaches, swamps, etc. and i have a feeling when i am once again in the presence of this smiling monk (above) who i have fallen together with as his student, i will be dying to be with him and in his presence as much as possible.
this is really the least mainstream part of my life. the one that if you havent ever heard me talk about before, it was because i wasnt strong enough to endure your incredulity at how bizarre it all is. thats changed.
the experience of being in the presence of one who you KNOW sees all your junk, reads all your thoughts, and loves you anyways is an amazing humbling human experience. when he glances at you and answers your immediate thought in one sentence, and then goes back to offering you food off his plate while you blubber and bawl... it's indescribable. why me? i dunno. but its part of the soul contract that has emerged... where i sign on for wickedly stressful work that taxes my physical body in exchange for such teachings.
after locking up my neck this week from stress, and spending days whimpering with barely any range of motion in my shoulder and neck, im emerging from that, and looking forward to being unplugged for a week. my body shut down. it showed me it had enough. now im trying to mend. i've resumed my normal vibration when meditating. i get scared when i realize i pack so much distraction on top of it that i obscure it, but it always returns, and a bit stronger each time it does.
nothing but gratitude out of this wounded soldier. talk to you in a week. be good. ;)
c.

meet the disciplinarian

im hearing at work that im too nice.
why cant it be that way?
must i really make examples out of people's mistakes in front of the group?
act like a parent or a mean substitute teacher who is being taken advantage of
and put my foot down
cant we all just get along :)
seriously, doesnt everyone just want to do good work?
make a little bit of positive change
do something good and decent for others
i try to understand other people's motivations
but i dont comprehend working for fame, money, power...
do i need to worry about instilling confidence and motivation when im disgusted with performance levels?
today i stopped myself from getting saddened about it
i was seriously starting to let it get to me
but why should lack of performance by others affect my emotional state
especially if they seemingly dont care?
i have to believe that its not a reflection on me at this early stage in the game
and just keep trying
on the docket for tomorrow: public questioning about why things are past deadline.
send me grace.
c.

winds aloft

drove back to buffalo tonite feeling light and free. think i worked through some good stuff this weekend. leftover hurricane winds were so fun to drive in, occasionally tossing my car about and making me whoop. didnt get rain - it stayed out over the lake. temp never dipped below 85F. moon almost full. so much energy bouncing around.

spontaneous soundtrack made me giggle...
against the wind & night moves (...autumn closing in) by bob segar
hurricane eye by paul simon

the sweet sweet smell of the vineyard grapes around the ny border made me breathe through my mouth trying to taste it.


"be well. do good work. keep in touch."
c.

whine belt

i bought a small print of the above Dali work tonite (Lincoln in Dali Vision or Gala Contemplating the Mediterranean Sea). step away. look close. not always as it appears. i like it. this ends our artistic interlude for the evening...

ive said before, we always give others the advice we need to hear ourselves. i hear it once it's left my mouth and my brain reflects and says ah-ha...

M. just had a baby, and was expressing his desire to do good by this child, while biding time between being fearful and marveling that it had gone ok thus far.

my comment was "you have to think you're doing a bad job of it, to continue to give it the best you've got, every day. if you thought you were doing great, you'd risk it by resting on your laurels. the doubt is protection in a way & keeps you in the game."

of course, this version is much longer than what i said to him now that it's had time to soak. ;)

this job is my baby. (note: i do not like this sentiment as i lack a real baby. "you made this decision, c. you chose your career." did i? how much did it choose me?) i feel every day like i stink at it. my emotional state is like the weather along the Great Lakes. i walk into a meeting feeling like im slightly near the top of the heap and leave ready to cry at all ive missed or is left undone.

a concept of mine was launched at a conference today. it's good. great, probably not. but i launched it with the intention that it's a seed - and it's a hardy one - that i think i can do good things with future. never mind i demanded that this happen in a few short weeks, in the face of unrelenting disention and whining. never mind that ive never been able to have an idea and bring it to fruition like this ever before in my career! so as it's unveiled, i hear local people - attorneys - middle aged men - snickering like grade school boys that the concept is too far-fetched for a rust belt city. i didnt make it up! i just paid attention to what is already happening and branded it. i fear it's these mentalities that kick our post-industrial cities out of the race before the gun even goes off. it was weird to be sitting at their table in what i thought was home team territory. must we undermine ourselves?

being careful what i put out there,
c.

where can i rent a crystal ball?

b'c today i question...
a little bit of why...
shadowed by the burning desire
to know how it will all turn out...
and yet i trust,
c.

WRATHFUL DEVOTION
by Jennifer Welwood

You gave me a heart that ignites
In the passionate knowing of you,
And having burned in that heat
Is not drawn to lesser fires.

You gave me a mind that expands
To encounter your vastness,
And finds in those fathomless depths
Its own luminous nature.

You gave me a soul that won't rest
With any barrier to you,
Be it heavy and dense
Or gossamer as a veil.

You gave me an old structure
Made up of my history;
It is heavy and dense,
It is gossamer as a veil.

I meet it, allow it, explore it
And still it grinds on,
A machine that relentlessly churns out
Old patterns and tendencies.

I embrace it, dissolve it, release it --
Still it keeps reincarnating,
Rising up from some ancient template
Held deep in my bones.

I don't begrudge you your sense of humor,
Beloved trickster,
But I do wonder, now and then,
What you have in mind.

Did you make me to realize a freedom
I can't fully embody?
Do my heart and soul burn for a truth
That I can't fully live?

I commune with you in the heavens --
It's not hard to find you there;
But I need you down here,
In the marrow of my bones.

You can't turn away now -- stay here;
I will have this out with you.
You started something with me,
And now I want it finished.
Yes -- I will wrestle with you on this one,
Beloved torturer;
I will wrestle you all the way down
To the very ground

And not rest till I stand
With the soles of my feet upon you,
And not rest till I feel you infuse
My every cell.