a$$ kicking

just got off the phone w/ one of my yoga lovelies from cleveland. was telling her how i found a teacher in buffalo who's trained in the same tradition we are. i took her amazing class tonite and it was like a reunion - with a total stranger. we were instantly in love. very cool experience - speaks to that it's always out there and not simply in one specific location.

mentioned that this teacher too - as has every one i've encountered in buffalo - asked me after class when im going to start teaching. i started making excuses about how i'm waiting, biding time until snow... but i really miss it and i worry i will be rusteeee when i start back up. i miss the connections, the creativity, the breakthroughs and realizations, the effort, the sweat, the joy & tears, the conduit, and that it keeps my own practice on track. i admitted that i'd received offers from each of 3 studios i've practiced at thus far...

my friend YELLED down the phone, asking me what i was waiting for, what else did i need...

"the universe is kicking your ass."

"all you have to decide is which studio you want to teach at."

oh.

and so i will teach. one weeknight class per week. im ready. im open. make this happen.

leela of the day: (for you new readers - leela is divine play. the moments - that happen most frequently in my life - where you recognize connection & the hair on the back of your neck stands up...) this is a bit more personal than i usually delve, but i want to make the point. just before i left cleveland, i learned i had received a raise. i had already negotiated the new position, & so i ended up feeling like i had left a bit on the table... but there was no turning back. running through my head was the taunt "i thought you didn't do it for the money..." so i ceased looking over my shoulder and got on with it. this morning, im handed a letter (at my new job) announcing im receiving a raise - for the same amount. yes, my mouth still gapes.

spent a few minutes today witnessing how my ego holds me back. fear of failure, doing or saying the wrong thing, looking silly or inexperienced... repeatedly finding out after the fact that i should have asked that question - that no one knows the answer to - or that the course of action i intuited was par for the course. repeatedly paralyzed by indecision, fear, self doubt. eh, no longer. i may stumble... but enough is enough. we do know.

let's live it large, shall we?

ever thankful for the abundance,
c.

you never asked

tricky
yet obvious?
i have a suspicion

\\\

the sun is rising! (wake up world!)
how can you sleep
through such beauty?

\\\

it's not safe to drive
when the sun is setting!
how can you not stare and whoop?

\\\

the world is turning.
who can sleep?
dreams become crazier than realities

\\\

she loved him with all her pent-up desire
while
he read poetry to the stars.

bathroom mirror inspiration

a good friend, passing through buffalo, is staying with me tonite. i just read her a bedtime story (of a yogi's pilgrimmage, but of course ;) and tucked her in.

sidestory... i write inspiration in eyeliner on my bathroom mirror... like the Follow Your Bliss reminder i scribbled in the bathroom at my old house, which is likely what sold it... it's just one of those weird things that keeps me movin'... i've said before, my Teacher said he started doing the same when he met his guru, so i don't feel quite so crazy... last night, i needed some inspiration and nothing was forthcoming. i told myself to listen today b/c i would receive it.

over dinner, she said to me that she was having a tricky time of it and had recalled Pema Chodron's advice: "Lean into it."

there it was. one of my favorites - now (again) written prominently on the bathroom mirror. so we discussed how tricky yet luscious that can be... and i pointed out, at least it wasn't this quote of Pema's...

"only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us"

whew! :) in the words of my sis, "gotta love it."
c.

p.s. i've heard there have been some mighty shake-ups in cleveland the past few days, including that coucilman cimperman's house burned down. joe & nora: sending you love & support! hang tough, clev!

does it get any better...

than a late sunday night sweet-smelling, gentle summer rain?
c.

end of week 1

(and no, that's not me, just slightly how i feel ;)

i am
constrained
ungrounded
unbalanced
strong
powerful
yet (still!) slightly mentally self-defeating

where, oh where, does that last one come from? and what is the benefit???

i should probably start painting just to see what comes out

this is the first strong internet connection ive had... perhaps b/c its the first time ive had a thoughts that i could put to words... tis why i havent written to anyone or posted.

to expound on the above: yogini power moving to a new city is interesting. you cant very well walk into new situations, new relationships, and unleash it all. so you hold it back. and when you're not used to holding it back, you end up feeling emotionally constrained, creatively repressed, and even somewhat compromised. friday evening yoga classes are good for letting that go.

i've realized - but never fully, b/c you can never fully realize until you no longer have it - just how many absolutely amazing friends and connections and social opportunities - and the sangha! - that i had in cleveland. it doesnt end, but its good challenge to re-create that in a new immediate environment.

the sense of divine connection and connectedness that i had before i left cleveland are still present but fuzzy, a bit topsy-turvy. a conversation last night left me feeling adrift, misunderstood... until talking to the teacher after class tonite, i heard many of things i said yesterday echoed back to me. hello divinity! welcome home! made me laugh to receive the messages back. ok, loud & clear!

book im reading spoke of a swami in india born in the shadow of a mountain who never strayed more than 2 miles from his birthplace his entire loooong life. hmmm... im 210 miles.

who loves their comfort zone, baby? i do, i do. dont we all. stagnating, boring, unchanging comfort zones.

life as practice... means that the asana practice becomes a clearing of the mental and emotional cobwebs, rather than the whole focus. its a re-fueling, a re-charging, a pit stop, that allows you to head back out into it.

in a way, im living out my ashram/monastery fantasy smack dab in the middle of downtown buffalo, sirens screaming by. that makes me giggle. that and the fact that im setting up my apartment like a 6 year old would. its like a tree house. i sold my tv... which in our culture is the focal point of the living room... so it was fun to entertain what replaces that... who wants to look into the house? or at the brick fireplace? so i put the couch smack dab in the center of the room and turned it to look out the window - b/c that's what i want to look at! and there is no one to tell me im ridiculous. furniture arranging has never been my strong suit - but maybe now that im arranging furniture solely so it makes me happy, im learning how to do it.

on the yoga studio wall tonite: 'Grant that I may have appropriate difficulties on this journey to awaken my heart.' warriors, unite.

giggle quote of the week: "be realistic. expect a miracle." - Osho

remember that its all a game. dont attach. keep playing as best you can.

my love & thx to D. couldnt have made the move w/o you!
c.

last of swami lalitananda

O Divine Mother,
May all my speech and idle talk be mantra,
All actions of my hands be mudra,
All eating and drinking be the offering of oblations unto Thee,
All lying down prostrations before Thee.
May all pleasures be as dedicating my entire self unto Thee.
May everything I do be taken as Thy worship.



I am created by Divine Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light



Every cell of this, my physical body, is filled with Divine Light. Every level of consciousness is illumined with Divine Light. Divine Light penetrates every single cell of my being, every level of consciousness. I have become a channel of pure Light. I am one with the Light.

yoga info repository

whoa:

"I've become someone who trusts that though I feel as fragile as a flaming leaf in autumn, I house the capacity of a tidal wave, a meteor shower, a white tornado of inspiration. I've become someone who believes that every human being has a tornado just beneath the skin and that we are meant to live our dreams so that we can discover that natural force within us that blows constriction away." - Tama Kieves

like a piece of art im not quite sure how i feel about:

"It takes chaos to give birth to a rising star." -Nietzsche

5 states of the mental plane:
ksiptam: mind is highly agitated
mudham: mind is dull, inert, and cloudy
viksiptam: mind is able to focus but concentrating on thinking & doing, not meditating
ekagrata: mind is one-pointed & can concentrate in a state of higher contemplation
niruddham: state in which mind sees everything clearly, w/o chitta vritti distraction, 'objective' of yoga

like communism, the city of auroville is a fascinating concept. don't you fantasize about communes? best yet, it has an industrial district! love it.

happy guru purinam on this full moon! i bow... while roaring like a lion and packing my house like a tortoise (what is home?),
c.

get it where you find it

"it's all a state of mind..."
- led zepplin

windy weekend

that's a picture of me, falling out of the sky, strapped to a man's chest.
i jumped out of a plane yesterday - pushed, actually.

i went skydiving w/ my yoga friends and was very interested to learn that like me, this was a test for each of them... a test of the practice, to see if we're truly able to take it off the mat and put it to work. a test to evaluate our efforts at controlling the mental chatter & the emotional reactions. a test to see if we've overcome fears of - or at least are substantially more comfortable with - death. really not a surprise - this yoga stuff works!

the instructors seemed mildly concerned that we weren't concerned as the plane gained altitude. and we weren't. sitting, breathing, smiling, silently taking it all in. there was never a moment when i didn't want to jump out of that plane - perhaps b/c an unidentified cockpit alarm was beeping incessantly but that's neither here nor there. ;) so i sat watching the altimeter on my wrist climb to 10k feet, waiting, & soothing the man i was buckled to that i didn't need soothed.

do you have any idea how high that is? it takes about 20 minutes to gain the altitude. i envisioned a plane flying over a field and people bailing out. 10k due to clouds, typically 12k feet. at that height, you can barely make out the single prop cesna from the ground. there are no windows in the plane, so you're peeking over your shoulder out the front windshield and it's a bit of an ohhhhh when you finally are framed in the door, looking out, waiting to go.

i've always wanted to do it. a year ago i likely would have landed w/ the plane.

touching heaven
is surprisingly cold - about 45F
pure crisp air filling the lungs
falling through clouds
soft mist on my face
it was like a dream
a very intense, vivid, wide-awake dream
thinking thoughts of wonder & awe &
"this view is just like being in a plane..." hehe
60 seconds of free fall
wings spread, wind whooshing, nothing holding you back
perspective gained for all those worldly concerns
then the jerk of the parachute
and stillness, floating, for 5 minutes
gentle summer rain
appreciation for this wonderous creation
cows down below reduced to pixels on the canvas
watching the love bubble in my chest
instructor concerned i wasnt talking so i put words to it and said i love you over and over before lapsing back into silence
good practice in surrender
totally giving my life over to that man and letting myself be cared for
Blink, you rock!
we landed on our feet.

tonight, sunset dancing, wild wind on the lake erie shore
bhakti yoga, mmmm

what have you wanted to do since you were a kid? what are you waiting for?
c.

p.s. thank you to whoever left flowers on my car outside the studio last night!

filed under inspiration

stopped at the library today & found nothing that i wanted except for that which i didnt know i wanted - an amazing book called The Inner Life of Asanas, excerpted articles from a yoga mag i'd never heard of. allow me to introduce you to ascent magazine and swami lalitananda:

she practices a style called the Hidden Language approach to Hatha Yoga. sitting around with a journal evaluating the non-physical aspects of various asanas doesnt sound entirely appealing to me but the points she brings up about the asanas are so insightful. so amazing. such ah-ha! nothing like a speeding train to the next level. sweet!

some of what i caught in just a few short pages of her book...

we write to chart our journey of learning. welcome to my blog! (and the best - most humbling - part for this author, is believing i have an epiphany, only to scroll back & find i had the same one a few years prior... oh.)

but here is where the author really became my hero. she's already achieved something i've dreamed of... she opened a non-profit yoga center (radha yoga) in the scary, seedy "downtown eastside" area of vancouver. (who knew canada had ghettos... ;) that now also includes a vegan restaurant. always been my personal belief/motivation that rough urban neighborhoods & their residents need studios much more than exurban communities (all the same really?)

visual inspiration:







































verbal inspiration:

"You learn to trust your body and establish a firm foundation in your own intelligence. You become straight, able to stand alone, and willing to take a stand for what you know. Learning to support yourself without depending on an outside authority brings a sense of balance and power... It can be quite a relief to know that there is a way back to centre & that you can find your way.
The process is like climbing a mountain. It takes time and effort and means facing the challenges. But as you climb you are rewarded with a wider perspective, greater vision and understanding. You can also see where you've come from and begin to acknowledge with gratitude the outstanding people who have helped you on your way, those who stand above the ordinary like mountains on the plains.
What is observed changes what is.
The Light is available to everyone.
We can become aware that our bodies are vehicles for the Light, a Light that reveals obstacles & also dissolves them.
A promise manifests."

see why i love this lady already?

with love & gratitude to all my teachers who saw the Light in me long before i experienced it in myself,
c.

about last night...

sitting on the cushion til 4am...
yeah...
that didnt go so well...
practice practice practice!
c.

(baby you can) drive my car

title reflects new theme song assigned to my 'sitcom life' by a friend i had lunch w/ today... lest it be misconstrued, the indication is that i am giving over the driving...

other takeaway message: pema chodron's reminder to respect the dons - dons being the obstacles or (perceived) negative experiences that pop up with much to show one. made me laugh - want to experience dons - get a job in any city hall! ;)

dinner with another friend (why do all western social functions center around food? i cant eat another bite!) his advice regarding a situation: it exists for a reason. figure out why. gee, thanks!

thought for the night: im tired of waving goodbye and ready to start saying hello!

last night's dinner party at a friend's turned into an international dance party and i got home after 3am. (a. how was the majority of the party going to be at work in 4 hours from when i left? b. how much am i missing out on by function of having a normal day job when i would normally be absent from such tuesday night fun? sheesh.) i met a guy from Tunisia (sounds kinda like Indonesia) does anyone know where this is? my embarrassment at not knowing was brushed aside with a declaration that all westerns have horrible geography skills... b/c that made me feel *better*...

the level of childlike conversational comparison is amusing to me... overheard: so it's in the corner of africa, but you dont look african. is it african? its next to sicily, but you dont look italian. are you hindu? muslim? please check a box, right? ugh. he was muslim, spoke arabic. and no, the women don't wear burkas - that one was mine.

i decided that if i have such energy for dancing, i should have it for mediating, so i plan to park it on that cushion tonite and see what comes up.

i was complaining to someone today that my thoughts arent innovative... that i recycle ideas, yes, perhaps gradually make them better each time, but that none of it feels really new or creative to me. ironic enough, one of the first things you're taught as a yoga teacher is that none of it is yours, that you own none of it, that its all been said a million times before you, and you best press that forehead to the ground in gratitude for the teachings and give the translation your best shot while understanding you will add your own personal bent to whatever you teach. and yet it was a relief to me to have my teacher say: "when you see something you like, imitate it." yet im not totally satisfied with this; still turning it over.

where'd all this ego come from?
c.

look ma, no feet!

What I Did On My Summer Vacation...
figured out side crow!
july 4th; finally free; voila!
years of practice - same goes for working with an emotional idea as a physical asana - continually trying - falling every single time - still trying - eventual success
years of practice & still so far to go
humbly i bow,
c.

"in a gentle way, you can shake the world." -Gandhi















you know you would do the same thing if you encountered a perfectly good rock...

nature appreciation at 80mph

i almost hit this on the way home from buffalo tonite
















i surely would have driven off the road, instead of almost, as it were, had it looked like this...















it was standing watching traffic go by. the colors in its plumage (meet my wanna-be-sr. citizen-Audubon personality) are so amazing. truly spectacular... though i could do w/o that red gizzard thingie. ick.
c.

p.s. An Open Letter to the PA DOT,
I am learning patience. I appreciate tests of my patience such as yours and I thank you for only having the westbound lanes of 90 down to one lane on my way home, b/c had you compressed eastbound traffic when I had somewhere to be, I might have joined the ranks of psychotic shoulder-driving madmen. However, I just have one question regarding the single lane that took me 2 hours of painful stop and go traffic to navigate with no apparent reason: WHY?

p.p.s. twofold props of the day go out to the semi truck driver who kept me apprised of the traffic situation as it came in over his 2-way. being topless in bumper to bumper has its benefits. and to the harley rider i leapfrogged with most of the way home, who i lost when he pulled over to make sure a broken down biker was ok. not only was his selfless act commendable in its own right, but it also doubly inspired me. cool.

sporadic transmutation

WHEW! Kids, it's all so good.

perhaps it's summer evenings, spent whiling away the time chatting w/ dear ones and wandering aimlessly, breeze caressing. ah, finally.

or perhaps it's amazing yoga community, this amazing sangha wherever i go... offering unsolicited assistance simply b/c im a yogi. awe.

random interlude: check this hook in my room... what's with the last monkey...?















this post is dedicated to jo... if she's out there reading this... to prove to her that it still happens to me too - and that i never made her cry on purpose. xoxo

went to an amazing class tonite, complete with powerful, freakishly relevant theme. call it a distraction if you must, but theme is necessity for me. it's THE POINT. gotta love those themes that hit you right in the heart, themes of the how-does-she-know-to-say-that??? variety, making you (almost) catch your breath b/c it's speaking exactly to where you are, to what you've been turning over within yourself, and you don't know whether to laugh or bawl... so you do a bit of both until you get a grip on the emotional drama and settle in... to the breath. ah, welcome to class. my guess is it's likely not the teacher, but the Teacher, really driving those messages home.

so i wanted to share, b/c tonite's theme is a continuation on the 'act, don't react' theme.

mental limitations that we use to convince ourselves who and what we are... what yoga poses we're good at... the types of people we are... casting in stone our strengths and our weaknesses. labeling a situation and deciding what the outcome will be before it occurs.

let yourself expose and drop the mental dramas. stop wrapping up in that warm blanket of fear and stop holding yourself back. afraid of the light... not the darkness. as ive learned over the past few months, it doesnt matter how hard you hold on, how much you want to affect the outcome, or how much time & energy you expend freaking out - you dont control this ride and it's gonna turn out exactly how it will. save that energy - turn it inward.
let it unfold.
get out of the way.
c.

life rule #41: live like you're on vacation

staying at a b&b (but really no second b) in buffalo. thanking god for the small luxuries i am able to afford myself that keep me grateful and cared for - pampered, more like. working a few days and then home for the holiday and a few much needed weeks of r&r before moving back up here for good. im foregoing that amazing bathtub shown above to get out some of these thoughts. guess that's what happens when an introspective person is left mostly alone in a strange city w/ their thoughts. randoms, in no specific order:
- working in the city process, things never go as originally planned - and you just have to roll onward. it's all good practice in malleability.
- act, dont react. so much easier said than done. watch the emotional, reactionary storm pass like clouds, not seizing on any one thought or letting any one reaction unravel you.
- no matter how many times i practice, i am still not adept at knowing specifically what i need - beyond a need to be on the mat as much as realistically possible. climbing onto the mat after work, in a warm sunny window, glorious breeze caressing, city life & traffic passing by beneath my window, literally being IN the flow. hello, my Beloved! witnessing the body crack and creak and release subconscious stress. neck let go like at the chiropractor. sighing and mmmm-ing my way through my practice, in that warm beam of sunlight, while van morrison sings, this must be what paradise is like. mm-hmm. so blessed.
- i fear that people generally like to be unhappy, either through habit or through fear of the unknown. why choose something mediocre when what lies beyond is unknown and could so far surpass expectations? please take the risk. please don't settle. please shun apathy.
and live like you're on vacation. ;)

i like those conversational reminders - those beads that someone says that stick with you - especially when that memory is jogged by something a few months later. someone said this to me a few months back that unbeknownst to me at the time, planted formative seeds for my move:
'to those who are given much, much is expected and sometimes the courage to leave is needed.' - joseph campbell, hero's journey

i think i blogged that at the time, this served to remind me of my favorite joseph campbell loveli-ism: "follow your bliss."

(which, incidentally, i then scrawled across my bathroom mirror in eyeliner pencil. feeling silly, but like i should, i left it there when i had a showing. it made the girl bawl. she bought my house... interesting flowchart, eh?)

today, first day lapsed, this was my horoscope:
"...meditations on these subjects will inspire you to overcome
any laziness you might have about cultivating happiness. It's a perfect
time for you to attempt this monumental accomplishment, you see.
You're at a potential turning point, a time when you could get in the habit of treating your hero's journey as if it were an ever-evolving celebration."

wanna come to my party? you're invited. bring your own happiness recipe. we can share. unabashed.
c.