note to self

T.K.V. Desikachar, in his commentary on Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra, cites five of the mind as by the sage Vyasa

KSIPTA

lowest state of mind; person is highly agitated and unable to think, listen, or keep quiet. “It’s like a monkey jumping up and down,” Desikachar says. “Toss it a diamond, and it doesn’t know what it is.”

MUDHA

In this state, no information seems to reach the brain. The mind is dull and listless. A person might be holding her key yet still ask, “Where is the key?”

VIKSIPTA

Here the mind receives information but seems unable to process it. The mind oscillates in confusion, with an inner chatter like “I want to do everything, but I can’t do everything. Should I do this or that?”

EKAGRA

In this state, the mind is relaxed but not sleepy. The person is ready to focus and pay attention, which is a prerequisite to meditation. A good yoga class can bring the mind into this state of relaxed attention.

NIRODHA

Here the mind is not distracted by random thoughts but is fully absorbed in the object of focus. This can occur in meditation or when a person is fully engaged in something.

the first yoga sutra states
yoga chitta vritta nirodha
which i previously understood/translated as:
yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind
not until now did i recognize nirodha as the highest state of mind
so now this makes even more sense
yoga helps uncover this highest mind
continuing glimmers & expansion,
c.

this is what happy looks like.

i've been aware of numerous occasions lately where i've worked or prayed hard for something, and find myself resisting it when it appears.
what is that about?
staying present doesn't just mean being present through the hard parts and it certainly doesn't mean looking at the good parts with a cynical eye, awaiting demise, as a form of protection.
i realized as i drove through the snowy world on my way to work this morning: I'M HAPPY! it's been a bit of a struggle to find my way & my place this year...
and here i am, a few days from the end of '08, finding myself in a really good spot...
not fearing, resisting, questioning, or trying to ruin it
but accepting, thanking, enjoying
i know change is constant
i also recognize the complicated defense mechanisms i construct out of fear
and its those that i will now resist
once again allowing myself...
giving myself permission...
to be happy
c.

very funny.

hear that?
it's the sound of leela
(divine play)
god's been slapping his knee at me all day long

i picture ancestors perched on clouds
passing the popcorn back & forth
elbowing one another
watch this
lets see how she reacts to THIS one
hahahahaha

driving to class
running late
snow slogging my progress
erratic traffic
so many people who dare to be out walking
(thank you)

bust into the studio
late
storm in the face of peace
into the changing room i go
exiting in my blackness
socks slip on hardwood floor
i flail all 4 limbs about & barely right myself
stand laughing in the corner as it all streams off
teacher asks why im
what? standing in the corner laughing?
and as i walk across the space
i proclaim
that i showed up LATE!
and ANGRY!
and then almost fell flat on my ASS!
in the front of the room
b/c im always being shown
exactly where im at...
my parody for your learning pleasure
*curtsy*
c.

today's inspiration

courtesy of mom:
"CREATE A VISION OF WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU WILL ATTRACT IT."

courtesy of yoga studio:
I am only one but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something;
and because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
-Edward Everett Hale

courtesy of me:
i resolve to be ok with that which is unresolved

year(s) in review

NYT did a story yesterday on week 52, reporting on the many employees that will be asked to take the last week of the year off to save on building costs, etc. i especially caught the line talking about using week 52 for personal year end review & contemplation. as i plan my holiday schedule, im finding that i really need such a week of year end introspection.

i started blogging in 2004. apparently, end of the year review always makes me write... a brief retrospective...

year end 2005: busting wide open
my heart is bursting... what a year. missing friends, looking at all that compassion and other centeredness has garnered me in the past 6 months... i am insanely grateful.

in the coming year, allow me to
be unafraid to love
be willing to put myself out there to help others in need
to witness when people need teaching and assistance
to put myself behind the betterment of others
to enjoy my time, my moments, my gifts and my trials
to accept, love, forgive, and be patient with myself

year end 2006: out with the old... and in with the new
excerpt: "...perhaps god's way of watching me slide and throwing me some kind of bone to keep me on this path? i dunno... and though i havent achieved the goal, i am aware that i AM farther along the path, and that's an amazing, if albiet fleeting, realization. a year ago, i would not have reacted as i have. but it goes back to what i said/believe that you can't "know" and choose to live otherwise and thus my choice was made."

year end 2007: the year of measured response
i feel like im not going to be able to call the shots in o8, quite like i have in o7.
this proved true at 9am new years day
and ive been attempting to roll with it since
surrender and ease.

year end 2008: trust & let go
i generally make decisions too quickly, w/o weighing all the options & consequences. i don't necessarily think i would change this about myself, as i intuitively believe in divine guidance & this approach keeps the journey interesting. never mind that it's turned out pretty great thus far... :)
that said, i feel like i've spent 2008 overly focused on my career. its not a life facet that i purport to care significantly about, and yet it's been the major motivating factor behind much of what i've done in '08.
i feel that new focus will emerge in '09 & im hopeful about that - new journeys, new challenges. i pray for: the ability to surrender the fear keeping me in this safety net, & opportunities to do the best work possible.
ive put physical distance between myself & much of my support network... i think subliminally clearing the way for intense svadyaya (scriptural or self-study). i want this conduit as clear, clean, bright, and open as possible!

here's to 2009: the year i leap...

ever brighter light,
c.

"Parameters"

Thirty-three years go by
And not once do you come home
To find a man sitting in your bedroom...

However invincible you imagine yourself to be
You are wrong...

Thirty-three years go by
And you loosen the momentum of teenage nightmares
Your breasts hang like a woman's
And you don't jump at shadows anymore
Instead you may simply pause to admire
Those that move with the grace of trees
Dancing past streetlights
And you walk through your house without turning on lamps
Sure of the angle from door to table
From table to staircase
Sure of the number of steps
Seven to the landing
Two to turn right
Then seven more
Sure you will stroll serenely on the moving walkway of memory
Across your bedroom
And collapse with a sigh onto your bed
Shoes falling
Thunk thunk
Onto the floor
And there will be no strange man
Suddenly all that time sitting there

So sure are you of the endless drumming rhythm of your isolation
That you are painfully slow to adjust
If only because
Yours is not that genre of story
Still and again, life cannot muster the stuff of movies
No bullets shattering glass
Instead fear sits patiently
Fear almost smiles when you finally see him

New as you are, really, to the idea that
Even after you've long since gotten used to the parameters
They can all change
While you're out one night having a drink with a friend
Some big hand may be turning a big dial
Switching channels on your dreams
Until you find yourself lost in them
And watching your daily life with the sound off
And of course having cautiously turned down the flame under your eyes
There are more shadows around everything
Your vision a dim flashlight that you have to shake all the way to the outhouse
Your solitude elevating itself like the spirit of the dead
Presiding over your supposed repose
Not really sleep at all...
-Ani DiFranco

"Charisma was originally a religious term, meaning 'of the spirit,' or 'inspired.' It's about letting God's light shine through us."
- Marianne Williamson, A Course in Miracles

remember this?

i pause at the window to watch the 18 yellow buses
diagonally lined up
school doors open
tiny multi-colored babies emerge
the first few running, jumping, busting out of the doors
then the straight orderly lines
the formation still unable to contain a few
dancing, bouncing toward home
such boundless energy, excitement
free at last
c.

In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was
in me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus

Gratitude Fest

humbly, i bow
giving deep thanks
for obvious blessings
and not so obvious blessings
that equate to guide me

Gratitude for
Days dedicated to gratitude
Rays of sun, Light of stars
Root of earth, Winds of change
Ever expanding awareness & awe
Continuing opportunities to do good work
My human families
family friendly lovely souls who assist
ancestors who sacrificed for my gain
those that walk with me
My spiritual families
gurus & teachers that guide protect illuminate
those that walked before me

Gratitude
this day & ever forward
om amen
c.

dream it, do it

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization... It refers to man's desire for self-fulfillment, namely to the tendency for him to become actually in what he is potentially: to become everything one is capable of becoming." - Abraham Maslow

splatters on the windshield

people who don't take responsibility or maximize on opportunities bug me today.
im seemingly surrounded!
oblivious? ignorant? unable or refusing to acknowledge the ripples that this creates & how it affects multitudes of other people? so apparent to me!
oh, what a fine time to practice compassion.
here's to interconnectedness,
c.

janis wisdom

i first heard this when i was 18
and it plays on my mental tape with something akin to regularity
and like an old shirt
it fits once again...

















I don't understand why half the world is still cryin', man,
when the other half of the world is still cryin' too, man,
I can't get it together
I mean, if you got a cat for one day, man
I mean, if you, say, say, if you want a cat for 365 days, right
You ain't got him for 365 days,
you got him for one day, man.
Well I tell you that one day, man,
better be your life.
Because, you know, you can say, oh man,
you can cry about the other 364, man,
but you're gonna lose that one day, man,
and that's all you've got.
You gotta call that love, man.
That's what it is, man.
If you got it today you don't want it tomorrow, man,
'cause you don't need it,
'cause as a matter of fact,
as we discovered on the train,
tomorrow never happens, man.
It's all the same fucking day, man.
- Janis Joplin, Ball & Chain (Live)

all those things you fear
they HAVEN'T HAPPENED
to the end of fear
to the now, man.
c.

flying crow(s)

the last few mornings, i've awoken to the sound of crows. lots of crows. giant crows.
i sigh at the prodding and crawl from bed to stand at the window
yesterday gray clouds in a pink pre-sunrise sky
today snow softly falling
hundreds of black silhouettes in the trees surrounding my bedroom... more flying in, seemingly an endless cloud, hovering, bouncing in the wind, seeking a branch hold.
why so many in one place? why now? why does their number & noise unsettle me so much?

a bit of research on the native american angle...
Crow: Keeper of the Sacred Law
crow is the omen of change
& offers protection
personal integrity is your guide in life
be mindful of your opinion & actions
you must be willing to walk your talk
put aside fear of your voice &
speak your truth
know your life's mission

"something is wrong if the crows are especially noisy"
c.

it's all just a blink

toronto

i walked the labyrinth pictured above in downtown toronto last week, after stumbling upon it with a dear friend. never walked one before. instructions at the beginning say to pose your question or intention & you will have an answer by the center.

really...?

it was an interesting experience. she knew of it b/c one of the teachers in our lineage had found it, walked it, and told her about it... knowing that elders had walked the same path before us was a very tangible feeling. i felt gurus there with me (and according to the psychic i recently encountered, apparently i have a group of old men yogis surrounding me. i love it. and yes, folks, she also said i should write a book...) the mental reaction of enjoying straight-aways and suddenly coming to a corner was interesting. practicing trust - letting the path unfold and trying not to give in to the desire to raise your gaze & check your progress. existence of other meditative souls surrounding you, walking on the same path. people that joined as we walked, almost like we encouraged them to try it in public. the lady (pictured above) who when realizing i was going the other direction, got frazzled & said she must be going the wrong way. i considered, then had to break my silence to encourage her and tell her that i was on my way out - thus our passing. the girl who jumped up and down and squealed "i did one of these in prison..."

and yes, i got my answer. i made my decision. maybe i knew it all along & finally acknowledged it. or as a friend said - i'd already made my decision & was seeking permission. this phrase "giving myself permission" has been running through my head a lot lately. seems im the last one to allow myself.

finally giving myself permission,
c.

thought for the day

paraphrased thought from Turning the Mind Into An Ally:

sometimes we get 'stingy' (good word) with our thoughts & intentions. we don't even want to give that away to other people and discredit it with a "how can that possibly help?" mentality. yet when we hear that someone is thinking about us in that positive way, my how the tables turn & those thoughts, for which we are grateful, suddenly have power...

shine it out,
c.

momentary inspiration

Trust in your ability to thrive.

homework

i received a homework assignment tonite...

i suggest you try it too...

watch this... and dance your heart out...

"Get up offa that thing,
and shake 'till you feel better,
Get up offa that thing,
and try to release that pressure!"

just look at that man get down!
c stands for crazy dancin' fool,
c.

summoning the courage

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
- Kahlil Gibran

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
- Dale Carnegie

Don't die without embracing the daring adventure your life is meant to be. You may go broke. You may experience failure and rejection repeatedly. You may endure multiple dysfunctional relationships. But these are all milestones along the path of a life lived courageously. They are your private victories, carving a deeper space within you to be filled with an abundance of joy, happiness, and fulfillment. So go ahead and feel the fear - then summon the courage to follow your dreams anyway. That is strength undefeatable.

from Courage - by Steve Pavlina

thought of the week

i repeatedly doodle 2 main themes:

water droplets
or
sunshines

lately, it's lots of rain drops
so i appreciated this:

"Some of the world's greatest meditators have cried a lot." - Sakyong Mipham

in true irony, i just started a book by him on Sunday...
c.

how do you know?

i paint sometimes
and they say
(yep - "them," again ;)
the hardest part is knowing when the canvas is done
knowing when to step back & walk away
im struggling with that right now
knowing when to walk away
when do you admit something just isn't working out?
how long do you try?
how do you know you're not quitting or giving up?
what if you stay at it too long & injure yourself?
yoga teaches me to stay in the pose
ride out the discomfort and see what lies beneath
"the pose begins when you want to come out of it"
but it also teaches me compassion - first & foremost, for myself
you'd think i'd know how to discern by now...
i'm strong enough not to compromise myself & my ideals
yet i'm starting to feel like i'm losing parts of myself
and i'm most unhappy about that
this whole venture is starting to feel like a relationship that
"just isn't working out"
that inner voice has started up and just wont quiet
so i ask - and im truly asking - any & all input appreciated
how do you know?
until i hear from you, i offer it up
b/c that's all i know how to do
that - and pay attention.
head bowed,
c.

and it poked me

i tried acupuncture. it went a little somethin' like this:
the first session is a bit more analysis than a typical session...
ive never been to a shrink, so sitting & talking before the needles came out, put me into witness-consciousness a bit - i was watching myself & amazed by the verbal answers that came out of me in response to her to simple questions about how i was faring in life.
perhaps i should talk to myself more often? ;)
humor aside, perhaps i should check in with how i'm faring more often... compassionately, realistically, sensitively.
here's where it gets a bit bizarre - (imagine that on my blog ;)
i had a bit of consternation that the needles would hurt but i barely felt them at all - in my back anyways. those ones in the top of the foot (meant to activate the liver in my case) were not comfortable. all the needles used are actually so hair-thin that you dont feel much. some she had to tell me were inserted. i really wished i'd taken a camera to get a pic of my back - i think i had 14? total, along either side of the spine. it does feel very good, soothing in an energetic way. i felt pops & releases under the skin, which i've felt before when ive had energy work done.
she was noticing some things about my lungs. having heard that certain emotions are connected to each of the organs, i asked what this indicated. she said lots of mucus or lung issues are a sign of grief. as opposed to sadness, grief occurs suddenly & w/o warning. i started leaking when she said it was as though i had lost my connection to something.
and to some degree i have lost connections. obviously i no longer live in the city i call home, so that connection is broken - but the emotional ties to everyone are not. and nothing - not even death - can break this strong bond i've formed with Divinity. tat tvam asi (i am That.) i think my initial tears were a response to the thought of losing these connections - but i realize that bonds to my God & my home are bonds that can't break.
she told me afterwards that chinese medicine treats the whole patient & isnt a means of relieving symptoms w/o addressing underlying problems. she didnt totally remove my shoulder pain, and i have sense that she could have. so it creates an interesting quandary that i havent yet worked out - do i trust that it will take multiple sessions (i do) but do i want to pay $70 for each return session, recommended every 10 days (i dont). does the american in me desire instant gratification that will immediately remove the hurt (i do) while the yogini in me would much rather address the problem rather than the symptom & respects that there is no quick fix for problems that have emerged over time (yes, again.)
and so it continues. i pay attention.
c.

water & wine

photos from last weekend's water and wine tour to niagara falls, canada & niagara-on-the-lake wineries:














whole lotta water... mist can be seen for miles around... my morning observation, looking out the hotel window: 'hey, the falls are still on...'


















i took this picture b/c we suspected that the people in the boat couldn't see the rainbow from their angle looking into the sun, and thus were totally unaware to be passing beneath one... i think i spend a lot of my life similarly unaware of all the rainbows above me...

my Niagara Falls review... b/c you always here people say "the canadian side is waaaay better than the american side." :p per my usual position, i disagree with the majority. on the NY side, you are standing directly above the falls. more mist. more power beneath your feet. take your shoes off and rest the soles of your feet on the bare ground. feel the vibration of Nature from the soles of your feet along your spine to the top of your head. stand alongside the river and watch the rapids race by you. head to the canadian side and view it from a distance. so pretty. so far away. so removed. ok, and quite misty. im much more in favor of the interactive experience, as opposed to the sightseeing.

downtown niagara falls canada is a bit too vegas, chain restaurant, new mall construction for this girl... but the greenspace & streetscaping around their parks & walkways is gorgeous.














ever onward. after the vegas lights of downtown niagara falls, the quaintness of downtown niagara-on-the-lake and the scattered wineries is so great.


























stratus winery was amazing, and wins the honor of my blog commercial & recommendation. more of a boutique winery - both style & service here surpassed any of the others we attended - they produce small quantities of high quality wine. they laid us out at this long table in their tasting room, overlooking the vineyard and brought us all kinds of yummy wines. the building is silver LEED certified. very cool. even better - they have bike racks out front and offer discounts for cyclists. my kinda place. they are about to ramp up their production and nervous they won't move it so help them out!














the incubator room at stratus ;) they import each barrel from france - b/c french oak gives a better vanilla taste than american oak, i believe. and each barrel is ridiculously expensive... ~$1000/ea & used for 4 years.


















vineyard education when my introverted side came out and i took off for a solo vineyard tour. not photographed: the ridiculous amount of fruit files. whew! (taken at konzelmann's winery)
















why it's called niagara on the lake... again, observed during my solo vineyard excursions when drunk people & wine tasting started to bore me.

i would definitely return... but i would stay in niagara-on-the-lake... not downtown.

believin' in miracles,
c.

a yoga love letter

cold yoga studio
on this fall night
5 layers of clothes
and still cold
mat space on the frosty hardwood
alongside the fireplace
heat doesnt (yet) penetrate these cold bones
gently begin moving
waking the body up
creaking cracking 100 year old house body
gently warming
then suddenly
ananda - bliss
flying high
body limber & elastic
"make the pose work for you"
remembering briefly what this is all about
mind sinking
as body warms
and releases it
into blackness quiet calm serenity
resting while moving
take the mind out of it
and let the body move
euphoria remains
grin plastered
how did i function before i found this respite?

yoga studio inspiration

dream your dreams
write them down
but live them first

beyond words

(silence)
feet not quite on the ground yet...
such an amazing experience...
it just keeps getting better & better...
c.

my post-summer "vacation"

i love to go to FL in may and in september... when i can experience summer before it comes north and have a repeat performance and a bit more sunshine before it's gone. im heading off for a weeklong meditation retreat on monday in homestead, FL. check out this aerial of homestead. i love how the built environment just ends and there's nothing but swamp... like when i got lost in houma, LA. you know i'll be driving around in the everglades. nothing like bugs the size of your fist bouncing off the windshield! ;)

this is the daiy schedule for my "vacation"

5:30am - Meditation
7:30am - Breakfast & Clean-up Seva / Announcements
8:30am - Seva
9:00am - Class
10:30am - Meditation
12:15pm - Lunch and Clean-up Seva
2:00pm - Rest and Private Study
4:45pm - Class
5:45pm - Break
6:00pm - Class
7:00pm - Meditation
8:15pm - Dinner and Clean-up Seva
9:30pm - Retire

(seva means "selfless service" or weeding the flowerbeds and doing meal dishes ;)
now you know why i giggle when people tell me to "have a nice vacation!"
and it will be nice, mainly because my meditation and meal times are so structured. the food is vegetarian, very little dairy - only yogurt and milk at breakfast. no eggs, hardly any sugar. i go through wicked detox, am miserable the first 3 days of such a routine, and i am blissful and happy by the time i leave from such structure, love, good food, and consistent schedule. i also sleep A TON.
last time i went, i stayed at the ashram. this time i'm staying at a hotel, which will make the whole transition a bit easier mentally b/c i get to come and go. i won't feel stuck there. nor will i have the odd feeling i had last time after emerging from a week of such shelter and finding myself dumped curbside at the airport. i wanted to cower behind a trash can.
i also had another giggle upon seeing seva on the schedule. the word seva has been hanging on my frig for a month, encouraging "selfless service" in my life. last time i stayed at the ashram, i hardly did any seva b/c it was such a new experience for this body that it slept about 14 hours a day. imagine me emerging from the air conditioned women's sleeping shed and stepping around some muddy lady weeding in the 95 degree heat. yes, once again in this environment, i am the new one, the little kid, the baby. doesnt seem that anyone minds. i made it to 530am meditation every morning too! and was sleeping soundly in the fetal position in the middle of the meditation hall by 6am... O:) i made it there every day, and managed to stay awake about 5 minutes longer each day. imagine the beautiful dreams that you have in the midst of a group of people praying. the dreams almost made up for my embarrassment. maybe this time i'll make it through a whole morning session. it's glorious afterwards to emerge from the meditation room to a pink sunrise and the sweetest smelling flowers.
im making all these other plans mentally for my rental car and i - mapping yoga studios (this is seated meditation only, no yoga asana practice), parks, beaches, swamps, etc. and i have a feeling when i am once again in the presence of this smiling monk (above) who i have fallen together with as his student, i will be dying to be with him and in his presence as much as possible.
this is really the least mainstream part of my life. the one that if you havent ever heard me talk about before, it was because i wasnt strong enough to endure your incredulity at how bizarre it all is. thats changed.
the experience of being in the presence of one who you KNOW sees all your junk, reads all your thoughts, and loves you anyways is an amazing humbling human experience. when he glances at you and answers your immediate thought in one sentence, and then goes back to offering you food off his plate while you blubber and bawl... it's indescribable. why me? i dunno. but its part of the soul contract that has emerged... where i sign on for wickedly stressful work that taxes my physical body in exchange for such teachings.
after locking up my neck this week from stress, and spending days whimpering with barely any range of motion in my shoulder and neck, im emerging from that, and looking forward to being unplugged for a week. my body shut down. it showed me it had enough. now im trying to mend. i've resumed my normal vibration when meditating. i get scared when i realize i pack so much distraction on top of it that i obscure it, but it always returns, and a bit stronger each time it does.
nothing but gratitude out of this wounded soldier. talk to you in a week. be good. ;)
c.

meet the disciplinarian

im hearing at work that im too nice.
why cant it be that way?
must i really make examples out of people's mistakes in front of the group?
act like a parent or a mean substitute teacher who is being taken advantage of
and put my foot down
cant we all just get along :)
seriously, doesnt everyone just want to do good work?
make a little bit of positive change
do something good and decent for others
i try to understand other people's motivations
but i dont comprehend working for fame, money, power...
do i need to worry about instilling confidence and motivation when im disgusted with performance levels?
today i stopped myself from getting saddened about it
i was seriously starting to let it get to me
but why should lack of performance by others affect my emotional state
especially if they seemingly dont care?
i have to believe that its not a reflection on me at this early stage in the game
and just keep trying
on the docket for tomorrow: public questioning about why things are past deadline.
send me grace.
c.

winds aloft

drove back to buffalo tonite feeling light and free. think i worked through some good stuff this weekend. leftover hurricane winds were so fun to drive in, occasionally tossing my car about and making me whoop. didnt get rain - it stayed out over the lake. temp never dipped below 85F. moon almost full. so much energy bouncing around.

spontaneous soundtrack made me giggle...
against the wind & night moves (...autumn closing in) by bob segar
hurricane eye by paul simon

the sweet sweet smell of the vineyard grapes around the ny border made me breathe through my mouth trying to taste it.


"be well. do good work. keep in touch."
c.

whine belt

i bought a small print of the above Dali work tonite (Lincoln in Dali Vision or Gala Contemplating the Mediterranean Sea). step away. look close. not always as it appears. i like it. this ends our artistic interlude for the evening...

ive said before, we always give others the advice we need to hear ourselves. i hear it once it's left my mouth and my brain reflects and says ah-ha...

M. just had a baby, and was expressing his desire to do good by this child, while biding time between being fearful and marveling that it had gone ok thus far.

my comment was "you have to think you're doing a bad job of it, to continue to give it the best you've got, every day. if you thought you were doing great, you'd risk it by resting on your laurels. the doubt is protection in a way & keeps you in the game."

of course, this version is much longer than what i said to him now that it's had time to soak. ;)

this job is my baby. (note: i do not like this sentiment as i lack a real baby. "you made this decision, c. you chose your career." did i? how much did it choose me?) i feel every day like i stink at it. my emotional state is like the weather along the Great Lakes. i walk into a meeting feeling like im slightly near the top of the heap and leave ready to cry at all ive missed or is left undone.

a concept of mine was launched at a conference today. it's good. great, probably not. but i launched it with the intention that it's a seed - and it's a hardy one - that i think i can do good things with future. never mind i demanded that this happen in a few short weeks, in the face of unrelenting disention and whining. never mind that ive never been able to have an idea and bring it to fruition like this ever before in my career! so as it's unveiled, i hear local people - attorneys - middle aged men - snickering like grade school boys that the concept is too far-fetched for a rust belt city. i didnt make it up! i just paid attention to what is already happening and branded it. i fear it's these mentalities that kick our post-industrial cities out of the race before the gun even goes off. it was weird to be sitting at their table in what i thought was home team territory. must we undermine ourselves?

being careful what i put out there,
c.

where can i rent a crystal ball?

b'c today i question...
a little bit of why...
shadowed by the burning desire
to know how it will all turn out...
and yet i trust,
c.

WRATHFUL DEVOTION
by Jennifer Welwood

You gave me a heart that ignites
In the passionate knowing of you,
And having burned in that heat
Is not drawn to lesser fires.

You gave me a mind that expands
To encounter your vastness,
And finds in those fathomless depths
Its own luminous nature.

You gave me a soul that won't rest
With any barrier to you,
Be it heavy and dense
Or gossamer as a veil.

You gave me an old structure
Made up of my history;
It is heavy and dense,
It is gossamer as a veil.

I meet it, allow it, explore it
And still it grinds on,
A machine that relentlessly churns out
Old patterns and tendencies.

I embrace it, dissolve it, release it --
Still it keeps reincarnating,
Rising up from some ancient template
Held deep in my bones.

I don't begrudge you your sense of humor,
Beloved trickster,
But I do wonder, now and then,
What you have in mind.

Did you make me to realize a freedom
I can't fully embody?
Do my heart and soul burn for a truth
That I can't fully live?

I commune with you in the heavens --
It's not hard to find you there;
But I need you down here,
In the marrow of my bones.

You can't turn away now -- stay here;
I will have this out with you.
You started something with me,
And now I want it finished.
Yes -- I will wrestle with you on this one,
Beloved torturer;
I will wrestle you all the way down
To the very ground

And not rest till I stand
With the soles of my feet upon you,
And not rest till I feel you infuse
My every cell.

i'm gettin' old

there's humor in that title somewhere...

tonight, at dusk, i sauntered, with a cup of tea, and i reflected... how once again, i got myself into a situation where my heart opened big & wide and i got hurt. so i started to berate myself... but i interrupted that with forgiveness. wow. that's a new transition.

"i only meditate when breathing."

i was able to assess that i tried really hard to tread lightly... and that i did my best to research & evaluate beforehand... yet it got complicated, as things sometimes do... and my heart got a bit squished. dontcha hate that?

time for a change... instead of hardening, battening down, swearing not to let it happen ever again... i told myself that it was ok. there it was: i forgave myself. there was no way i could have or would have played it differently if given another chance.

"can you love some more?"

my new patterns are brought to you in part by the amazing girlfriends im so lucky to possess... like those wind up toys that totter off, i can always count on them to pick me up and set me back away from the table's edge, back on my course. tonite, i was given a good talking to and reminded of my dreams. yes, someone who knows me well enough that she sat there and reminded me what is it that i want, that i hope and hold out for. and she was right.

"be still and let the universe."

realizations of new patterns is eye-opening, spacious, simple. the reminder that i'm in control and choose how i opt to act moment to moment.

"this is your life."

maybe this is what those nice buddhists mean about becoming friends with yourself? if you'll excuse me, i'm waiting... ;)
c.

hold on loosely

this one's for you, M.

went for an early morning bike ride. wanted cleveland, wanted the metroparks where i used to get up early on such glorious summer mornings and pound out a few hours solo on the paved trail... riding fast, head down, strong stride once the quads warm, and forget it all. instead, i found an urban fabric that required constant attention to cars and terrain. i headed for the park... there's an asphalt path around the lake! it took me all of 4 minutes to circumvent, so i turned off onto a gravel path leading into the woods. now i hate ("c., we don't say hate." yes, mom.) riding on gravel... especially big chunky gravel like this was... until i remembered that i knew how: loose in the saddle, relax the grip, give the handlebars some play, keep the bike in a general straight trajectory and let natural synergy between body & bike handle the rest. ahh! grasshoppers flitting, pine smelling, sun dappling - pick that gaze up and look around!

thinking: how much of it do we define based on past experience AND WHAT WE THINK WE WANT before we ever even give the present moment a fighting chance?

taught my first yoga class here last night. felt uprooted, awkward, verbose, insincere sounding. heard how much the students loved it afterward. ridiculous, i tell ya. i read them this:

"...we live in duality. We constantly affirm [good & bad]. We call one thing pleasurable and another painful. We label and file and compartmentalize everything we see. Our behavior is directed largely to finding people who will bolster our judgments so that we can maintain them, and making enemies of those who challenge them. ...[Judgments] are created to block the flow of love through the mind. Each judgment, big or small, positive or negative, is a step away from the knowledge of the True Self. ...the relinquishment of those judgments is a step closer to Self-realization." - Yoga and the Path of the Urban Mystic by Darren Main (thanks for the loan, F. you'll get it back.)

taking advantage of this ride,
c.

pictures pages

we've been studying hard together lately, no? so here's some mental respite... pictures from my weekend sojourn to canada: paradise found. i want to go back - now.
c.

soul speculation

You gotta have soul (edited for length by me!)
By Tom Robbins

Mental Bungee-jumping may not be your sport of choice, but there's a cerebral ledge that sooner or later each of us has to leap off. One day, ready or not, we glance in a mirror, cuddle an infant, attend a funeral, walk in the woods, partake of a substance Nancy Reagan warned us to eschew, chance a liaison, wake in the night with a napalm lobster in our chest, read a message from the pope or the Dalai Lama, get lost in Verdi or lost in the stars - and wind up thinking about our soul.

Yes, the soul. You know what I mean.

If you need to visualize the soul, think of it as a cross between a wolf howl, a photon, and a dribble of dark molasses. But what it really is, as near as I can tell, is a packet of information. It's a program, a piece of hyperspatial software designed explicitly to interface with the Mystery. Not a mystery, mind you, the Mystery. The one that can never be solved.

To one degree or another, everybody is connected to the Mystery, and everybody secretly yearns to expand the connection. That requires expanding the soul. These things can enlarge the soul: laughter, danger, imagination, meditation, wild nature, passion, compassion, psychedelics, beauty, iconoclasm, and driving around in the rain with the top down. These things can diminish it: fear, bitterness, blandness, trendiness, egotism, violence, corruption, ignorance, grasping, shining, and eating ketchup on cottage cheese...

But say you've inflated your soul to the size of a beach ball and it's soaking into the Mystery like wine into a mattress. What have you accomplished? Well, long term, you may have prepared yourself for a successful metamorphosis, an almost inconceivable transformation to be precipitated by your death or by some great worldwide eschatological whoopjamboreehoo. You may have. No one can say for sure.

More immediately, by waxing soulful you will have granted yourself the possibility of ecstatic participation in what the ancients considered a divinely animated universe. And on a day to day basis, folks, it doesn't get any better than that.

By Tom Robbins Esquire, October, 1993

read it through.

Practice Like Your Hair's on Fire

Enlightenment is possible in this lifetime, but time is running out. We have to make the most of this rare and fleeting opportunity to wake up.

All sentient beings, including myself, have gone through continuous ups and downs, life after life, experiencing the sufferings of samsara. The reason we keep having all of these problems is because we haven’t managed to fulfill our life’s mission.

What is our mission? In the most basic sense, we all have a desire for peace and happiness, and we all wish to be free from pain and suffering. But though we may experience happiness here and there, it is not the kind of happiness that has never known suffering. In fact, for most of us it is the kind of happiness that is based on suffering.

We put a lot of effort into having material comforts, and on top of that we want mental and spiritual comfort. But even when we think we are working for spiritual benefit, if we dig deeply we may find that it is simply attachment—the attachment of bringing ourselves to a state of material or spiritual or emotional comfort.

The kind of comfort most of us seek is a kind of stopgap comfort. We haven’t really addressed the root of suffering or developed the true cause of happiness. Once we realize that, and reflect and meditate on it, we can begin to see the true nature of suffering and the cessation of suffering. From there, one can make the decision to seek true peace, nirvana, which means freeing ourselves and others once and for all from suffering and its causes.

Why haven’t we been able to achieve that yet? Why haven’t we fulfilled our mission? Because we don’t yet realize how important this life is. We don’t realize the limitless capacity of our human body and mind, and how difficult it is to find. We don’t have a sense of urgency because we don’t realize how easily this human life can be lost. Instead, we keep ourselves busy chasing after happiness and running away from suffering, life after life.

Many of us complain, “I have no time.” I like to call that a good, fancy, stylish excuse. Everybody likes to say, “I’m too busy,” because everybody would like to seem important. It is a great excuse that offers several benefits: you can avoid what you don’t want to do; it gives you a showbiz idea of being important; and all the important people do it, so you can include yourself with them.

I refer to that as busy laziness. We experience this kind of laziness because we have a problem recognizing our real priorities. Even if we have time, we put the most important thing in our life—our spiritual development—on the back burner. - Gelek Rinpoche

(Excerpted from the Fall 2008 issue of Buddhadharma - available NOW at your corner, locally owned bookstore! what? you don't have one on the nearest corner to your house? ha!)

free gift with purchase

i think the best part of this crazy yoga trip is the other seekers i've met along the journey - wise people you can crawl out of bed to email about emotional subtleties in the middle of the night...

i should be in bed
instead im sitting in my zebra underwear and gandhi shirt in my dark kitchen spouting you missives by candlelight
it's like the late 1800s except for the clothing

since moving, ive had a few emotional icky spots plaguing me so last night i put pads to keys and got it out. yes, trusty reader, you are excused from such couch sessions...

i awoke to find words of wisdom awaiting, which resonated so much that i want to hold on to them... so i will share the best...

"I truly believe we are put in certain situations as life tests, as things we need to work on, so yes, maybe there is something about you that needs to be worked on... You're working on the subtle things! Your resolve must be strong to get through this, because when you finally figure this out and learn to deal with your feelings, give yourself to them, surrender, if only at night and by yourself, explore it, don't overcome it but get so familiar with it, so aware of it that it will not have a grip on you, trusting that inside you are so great, so whole, that nothing can keep you down for long, because it is not who you are."

ah... through darkness to the light. made me realize that ive explored the emotional ickiness of this experience in close detail for the past few years and it's silly that i avoid any sign of negative experience now - especially the nuance of a situation that keeps rearing its whispering head. and i truly believe that which you resist, persists. so i do intend to sit with it, love it, embrace it, move through it, and back to shining out goodness. such good stuff.

the future's so bright...

if you'll excuse me,
c.

prayer defined

"The definition of prayer is paying careful and concentrated
attention to something other than your own constructions." - W.H. Auden

amen!
lord, grant me peace from my self-created dramas.
c.

i thought i was the only one

All night I could not sleep
Because of the moonlight on my bed.
I kept on hearing a voice calling:
Out of Nowhere, Nothing answered "yes."

- Zi Ye

almost full.
c.

road trippin' ruminations

rochester road trip this past weekend. i would post photos, except after years and years, i apparently still haven't learned to keep spare batteries in the camera case.
mini-realizations:
- its really good to have friends with whom you can truly be yourself and let it all hang out
- climbing trees is important for personal growth
- there are catalogs that sell lingams mail order

we stayed with a friend's parents outside rochester. we did what anyone would do when entering a strangers' house - promptly walked out the back door and danced under the giant trees & bright stars. ive never met these people and yet they graciously accepted our loud insanity into their house and our crazy veggie food in their frig. they were having their own sleepover at the neighbors so they left us with this great house in the middle of a forest while an electrical storm raged. mmmm! how many times can i say it? so cared for!

i learned tonite that councilwoman fannie lewis died. wow. a cleveland institution passes on. rest in peace, fannie. thanks for the many years you served and administered from your front porch, always trying to do what was best for the residents of Hough.
c.

maya prison

"A human being is part of the whole called by us a universe - a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and his feelings as something separate from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.

This delusion is a kind of prison for us; it restricts us to our personal decision and our affections to a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creature and the whole of nature in its beauty."

- Albert Einstein

a legacy

master carpenter,
today was your birthday. emails trickled in from various cities across this country where those you touched have landed, reminiscing about you, all that you taught, and how you always made each feel there was something in them.
i keep that cup you made on my desk, to remind myself what it means to be a master craftsman - the care, attention, precision, creativity, and forethought that should go into ones work - and also to remember the family legacy - one that i pray i do justice. i learned so much & im so honored to have had the opportunity, that this becomes an instance when words are not enough.
head bowed,
c.

brain surgeons are people too.

in my typical you never know what you're gonna get when you get out of bed in the morning life... today, i watched a (live) brain surgery. it was a new procedure, first time ever performed in north america, and the surgeon was a study in stress management. not only did he have a career culmination, an awake patient being operated on, and a media frenzy, but he managed to be amicable, professional, and handled it all with such aplomb. watching the procedure, my body was crackling in such obvious proximity to divinity. on the table lay a 75 year old pig farmer, having plaque removed from a brain artery. amazing.
i had instant brain meld love with the older surgeon, mentor of the surgeon performing the operation. he brings together various medical disciplines - calling them collisions - and watches the resulting innovations & collaboration. since so much medical history has occurred on accident - via collisions such as experiments gone 'awry,' etc. - its an interesting model. im sure glad i collided with him today! i came away so appreciative that there are such amazing people on this earth, doing such good stuff.
some quotes i picked up from him:
"if all you've got is a hammer, everything is a nail."
"a rising tide floats all boats."
c.

2am

summer storm rolls in
just as im turning in
say ahhhhhhhh

blue lightning
thunder, accompanied by the sound
of motorcycles racing home

nighty night
c.

manifestation update

i just received an email from a studio owner in buffalo asking me to sub a few classes... this occurred less than 12 hours after i posted last night that i was ready to teach again. i just nodded as i read it... ok, so this is the path. i love when it's so clear.

how can there be any doubt?

i've had chills all day long... i wonder what's about to happen...
c.

a$$ kicking

just got off the phone w/ one of my yoga lovelies from cleveland. was telling her how i found a teacher in buffalo who's trained in the same tradition we are. i took her amazing class tonite and it was like a reunion - with a total stranger. we were instantly in love. very cool experience - speaks to that it's always out there and not simply in one specific location.

mentioned that this teacher too - as has every one i've encountered in buffalo - asked me after class when im going to start teaching. i started making excuses about how i'm waiting, biding time until snow... but i really miss it and i worry i will be rusteeee when i start back up. i miss the connections, the creativity, the breakthroughs and realizations, the effort, the sweat, the joy & tears, the conduit, and that it keeps my own practice on track. i admitted that i'd received offers from each of 3 studios i've practiced at thus far...

my friend YELLED down the phone, asking me what i was waiting for, what else did i need...

"the universe is kicking your ass."

"all you have to decide is which studio you want to teach at."

oh.

and so i will teach. one weeknight class per week. im ready. im open. make this happen.

leela of the day: (for you new readers - leela is divine play. the moments - that happen most frequently in my life - where you recognize connection & the hair on the back of your neck stands up...) this is a bit more personal than i usually delve, but i want to make the point. just before i left cleveland, i learned i had received a raise. i had already negotiated the new position, & so i ended up feeling like i had left a bit on the table... but there was no turning back. running through my head was the taunt "i thought you didn't do it for the money..." so i ceased looking over my shoulder and got on with it. this morning, im handed a letter (at my new job) announcing im receiving a raise - for the same amount. yes, my mouth still gapes.

spent a few minutes today witnessing how my ego holds me back. fear of failure, doing or saying the wrong thing, looking silly or inexperienced... repeatedly finding out after the fact that i should have asked that question - that no one knows the answer to - or that the course of action i intuited was par for the course. repeatedly paralyzed by indecision, fear, self doubt. eh, no longer. i may stumble... but enough is enough. we do know.

let's live it large, shall we?

ever thankful for the abundance,
c.

you never asked

tricky
yet obvious?
i have a suspicion

\\\

the sun is rising! (wake up world!)
how can you sleep
through such beauty?

\\\

it's not safe to drive
when the sun is setting!
how can you not stare and whoop?

\\\

the world is turning.
who can sleep?
dreams become crazier than realities

\\\

she loved him with all her pent-up desire
while
he read poetry to the stars.

bathroom mirror inspiration

a good friend, passing through buffalo, is staying with me tonite. i just read her a bedtime story (of a yogi's pilgrimmage, but of course ;) and tucked her in.

sidestory... i write inspiration in eyeliner on my bathroom mirror... like the Follow Your Bliss reminder i scribbled in the bathroom at my old house, which is likely what sold it... it's just one of those weird things that keeps me movin'... i've said before, my Teacher said he started doing the same when he met his guru, so i don't feel quite so crazy... last night, i needed some inspiration and nothing was forthcoming. i told myself to listen today b/c i would receive it.

over dinner, she said to me that she was having a tricky time of it and had recalled Pema Chodron's advice: "Lean into it."

there it was. one of my favorites - now (again) written prominently on the bathroom mirror. so we discussed how tricky yet luscious that can be... and i pointed out, at least it wasn't this quote of Pema's...

"only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us"

whew! :) in the words of my sis, "gotta love it."
c.

p.s. i've heard there have been some mighty shake-ups in cleveland the past few days, including that coucilman cimperman's house burned down. joe & nora: sending you love & support! hang tough, clev!

does it get any better...

than a late sunday night sweet-smelling, gentle summer rain?
c.

end of week 1

(and no, that's not me, just slightly how i feel ;)

i am
constrained
ungrounded
unbalanced
strong
powerful
yet (still!) slightly mentally self-defeating

where, oh where, does that last one come from? and what is the benefit???

i should probably start painting just to see what comes out

this is the first strong internet connection ive had... perhaps b/c its the first time ive had a thoughts that i could put to words... tis why i havent written to anyone or posted.

to expound on the above: yogini power moving to a new city is interesting. you cant very well walk into new situations, new relationships, and unleash it all. so you hold it back. and when you're not used to holding it back, you end up feeling emotionally constrained, creatively repressed, and even somewhat compromised. friday evening yoga classes are good for letting that go.

i've realized - but never fully, b/c you can never fully realize until you no longer have it - just how many absolutely amazing friends and connections and social opportunities - and the sangha! - that i had in cleveland. it doesnt end, but its good challenge to re-create that in a new immediate environment.

the sense of divine connection and connectedness that i had before i left cleveland are still present but fuzzy, a bit topsy-turvy. a conversation last night left me feeling adrift, misunderstood... until talking to the teacher after class tonite, i heard many of things i said yesterday echoed back to me. hello divinity! welcome home! made me laugh to receive the messages back. ok, loud & clear!

book im reading spoke of a swami in india born in the shadow of a mountain who never strayed more than 2 miles from his birthplace his entire loooong life. hmmm... im 210 miles.

who loves their comfort zone, baby? i do, i do. dont we all. stagnating, boring, unchanging comfort zones.

life as practice... means that the asana practice becomes a clearing of the mental and emotional cobwebs, rather than the whole focus. its a re-fueling, a re-charging, a pit stop, that allows you to head back out into it.

in a way, im living out my ashram/monastery fantasy smack dab in the middle of downtown buffalo, sirens screaming by. that makes me giggle. that and the fact that im setting up my apartment like a 6 year old would. its like a tree house. i sold my tv... which in our culture is the focal point of the living room... so it was fun to entertain what replaces that... who wants to look into the house? or at the brick fireplace? so i put the couch smack dab in the center of the room and turned it to look out the window - b/c that's what i want to look at! and there is no one to tell me im ridiculous. furniture arranging has never been my strong suit - but maybe now that im arranging furniture solely so it makes me happy, im learning how to do it.

on the yoga studio wall tonite: 'Grant that I may have appropriate difficulties on this journey to awaken my heart.' warriors, unite.

giggle quote of the week: "be realistic. expect a miracle." - Osho

remember that its all a game. dont attach. keep playing as best you can.

my love & thx to D. couldnt have made the move w/o you!
c.

last of swami lalitananda

O Divine Mother,
May all my speech and idle talk be mantra,
All actions of my hands be mudra,
All eating and drinking be the offering of oblations unto Thee,
All lying down prostrations before Thee.
May all pleasures be as dedicating my entire self unto Thee.
May everything I do be taken as Thy worship.



I am created by Divine Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light



Every cell of this, my physical body, is filled with Divine Light. Every level of consciousness is illumined with Divine Light. Divine Light penetrates every single cell of my being, every level of consciousness. I have become a channel of pure Light. I am one with the Light.

yoga info repository

whoa:

"I've become someone who trusts that though I feel as fragile as a flaming leaf in autumn, I house the capacity of a tidal wave, a meteor shower, a white tornado of inspiration. I've become someone who believes that every human being has a tornado just beneath the skin and that we are meant to live our dreams so that we can discover that natural force within us that blows constriction away." - Tama Kieves

like a piece of art im not quite sure how i feel about:

"It takes chaos to give birth to a rising star." -Nietzsche

5 states of the mental plane:
ksiptam: mind is highly agitated
mudham: mind is dull, inert, and cloudy
viksiptam: mind is able to focus but concentrating on thinking & doing, not meditating
ekagrata: mind is one-pointed & can concentrate in a state of higher contemplation
niruddham: state in which mind sees everything clearly, w/o chitta vritti distraction, 'objective' of yoga

like communism, the city of auroville is a fascinating concept. don't you fantasize about communes? best yet, it has an industrial district! love it.

happy guru purinam on this full moon! i bow... while roaring like a lion and packing my house like a tortoise (what is home?),
c.