note to self

T.K.V. Desikachar, in his commentary on Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra, cites five of the mind as by the sage Vyasa

KSIPTA

lowest state of mind; person is highly agitated and unable to think, listen, or keep quiet. “It’s like a monkey jumping up and down,” Desikachar says. “Toss it a diamond, and it doesn’t know what it is.”

MUDHA

In this state, no information seems to reach the brain. The mind is dull and listless. A person might be holding her key yet still ask, “Where is the key?”

VIKSIPTA

Here the mind receives information but seems unable to process it. The mind oscillates in confusion, with an inner chatter like “I want to do everything, but I can’t do everything. Should I do this or that?”

EKAGRA

In this state, the mind is relaxed but not sleepy. The person is ready to focus and pay attention, which is a prerequisite to meditation. A good yoga class can bring the mind into this state of relaxed attention.

NIRODHA

Here the mind is not distracted by random thoughts but is fully absorbed in the object of focus. This can occur in meditation or when a person is fully engaged in something.

the first yoga sutra states
yoga chitta vritta nirodha
which i previously understood/translated as:
yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind
not until now did i recognize nirodha as the highest state of mind
so now this makes even more sense
yoga helps uncover this highest mind
continuing glimmers & expansion,
c.

this is what happy looks like.

i've been aware of numerous occasions lately where i've worked or prayed hard for something, and find myself resisting it when it appears.
what is that about?
staying present doesn't just mean being present through the hard parts and it certainly doesn't mean looking at the good parts with a cynical eye, awaiting demise, as a form of protection.
i realized as i drove through the snowy world on my way to work this morning: I'M HAPPY! it's been a bit of a struggle to find my way & my place this year...
and here i am, a few days from the end of '08, finding myself in a really good spot...
not fearing, resisting, questioning, or trying to ruin it
but accepting, thanking, enjoying
i know change is constant
i also recognize the complicated defense mechanisms i construct out of fear
and its those that i will now resist
once again allowing myself...
giving myself permission...
to be happy
c.

very funny.

hear that?
it's the sound of leela
(divine play)
god's been slapping his knee at me all day long

i picture ancestors perched on clouds
passing the popcorn back & forth
elbowing one another
watch this
lets see how she reacts to THIS one
hahahahaha

driving to class
running late
snow slogging my progress
erratic traffic
so many people who dare to be out walking
(thank you)

bust into the studio
late
storm in the face of peace
into the changing room i go
exiting in my blackness
socks slip on hardwood floor
i flail all 4 limbs about & barely right myself
stand laughing in the corner as it all streams off
teacher asks why im
what? standing in the corner laughing?
and as i walk across the space
i proclaim
that i showed up LATE!
and ANGRY!
and then almost fell flat on my ASS!
in the front of the room
b/c im always being shown
exactly where im at...
my parody for your learning pleasure
*curtsy*
c.

today's inspiration

courtesy of mom:
"CREATE A VISION OF WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU WILL ATTRACT IT."

courtesy of yoga studio:
I am only one but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something;
and because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
-Edward Everett Hale

courtesy of me:
i resolve to be ok with that which is unresolved

year(s) in review

NYT did a story yesterday on week 52, reporting on the many employees that will be asked to take the last week of the year off to save on building costs, etc. i especially caught the line talking about using week 52 for personal year end review & contemplation. as i plan my holiday schedule, im finding that i really need such a week of year end introspection.

i started blogging in 2004. apparently, end of the year review always makes me write... a brief retrospective...

year end 2005: busting wide open
my heart is bursting... what a year. missing friends, looking at all that compassion and other centeredness has garnered me in the past 6 months... i am insanely grateful.

in the coming year, allow me to
be unafraid to love
be willing to put myself out there to help others in need
to witness when people need teaching and assistance
to put myself behind the betterment of others
to enjoy my time, my moments, my gifts and my trials
to accept, love, forgive, and be patient with myself

year end 2006: out with the old... and in with the new
excerpt: "...perhaps god's way of watching me slide and throwing me some kind of bone to keep me on this path? i dunno... and though i havent achieved the goal, i am aware that i AM farther along the path, and that's an amazing, if albiet fleeting, realization. a year ago, i would not have reacted as i have. but it goes back to what i said/believe that you can't "know" and choose to live otherwise and thus my choice was made."

year end 2007: the year of measured response
i feel like im not going to be able to call the shots in o8, quite like i have in o7.
this proved true at 9am new years day
and ive been attempting to roll with it since
surrender and ease.

year end 2008: trust & let go
i generally make decisions too quickly, w/o weighing all the options & consequences. i don't necessarily think i would change this about myself, as i intuitively believe in divine guidance & this approach keeps the journey interesting. never mind that it's turned out pretty great thus far... :)
that said, i feel like i've spent 2008 overly focused on my career. its not a life facet that i purport to care significantly about, and yet it's been the major motivating factor behind much of what i've done in '08.
i feel that new focus will emerge in '09 & im hopeful about that - new journeys, new challenges. i pray for: the ability to surrender the fear keeping me in this safety net, & opportunities to do the best work possible.
ive put physical distance between myself & much of my support network... i think subliminally clearing the way for intense svadyaya (scriptural or self-study). i want this conduit as clear, clean, bright, and open as possible!

here's to 2009: the year i leap...

ever brighter light,
c.

"Parameters"

Thirty-three years go by
And not once do you come home
To find a man sitting in your bedroom...

However invincible you imagine yourself to be
You are wrong...

Thirty-three years go by
And you loosen the momentum of teenage nightmares
Your breasts hang like a woman's
And you don't jump at shadows anymore
Instead you may simply pause to admire
Those that move with the grace of trees
Dancing past streetlights
And you walk through your house without turning on lamps
Sure of the angle from door to table
From table to staircase
Sure of the number of steps
Seven to the landing
Two to turn right
Then seven more
Sure you will stroll serenely on the moving walkway of memory
Across your bedroom
And collapse with a sigh onto your bed
Shoes falling
Thunk thunk
Onto the floor
And there will be no strange man
Suddenly all that time sitting there

So sure are you of the endless drumming rhythm of your isolation
That you are painfully slow to adjust
If only because
Yours is not that genre of story
Still and again, life cannot muster the stuff of movies
No bullets shattering glass
Instead fear sits patiently
Fear almost smiles when you finally see him

New as you are, really, to the idea that
Even after you've long since gotten used to the parameters
They can all change
While you're out one night having a drink with a friend
Some big hand may be turning a big dial
Switching channels on your dreams
Until you find yourself lost in them
And watching your daily life with the sound off
And of course having cautiously turned down the flame under your eyes
There are more shadows around everything
Your vision a dim flashlight that you have to shake all the way to the outhouse
Your solitude elevating itself like the spirit of the dead
Presiding over your supposed repose
Not really sleep at all...
-Ani DiFranco

"Charisma was originally a religious term, meaning 'of the spirit,' or 'inspired.' It's about letting God's light shine through us."
- Marianne Williamson, A Course in Miracles

remember this?

i pause at the window to watch the 18 yellow buses
diagonally lined up
school doors open
tiny multi-colored babies emerge
the first few running, jumping, busting out of the doors
then the straight orderly lines
the formation still unable to contain a few
dancing, bouncing toward home
such boundless energy, excitement
free at last
c.

In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was
in me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus