happy earth day (day 22)

perhaps the last of the dalai lama installments for awhile...

"We are also being drawn together by the grave problems we face: overpopulation, dwindling natural resources, and an environmental crisis that threatens our air, water, and trees, along with the vast number of beautiful life forms that are the very foundation of existence on this small planet we share. I believe that to meet the challenge of our times, human beings will have to develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. Each of us must learn to work not just for his or her own self, family or nation, but for the benefit of all mankind. Universal responsibility is the real key to human survival. It is the best foundation for world peace, the equitable use of natural resources and, through concern for future generations, the proper care of the environment...

... in general I feel optimistic about the future. The rapid changes in our attitude toward the earth are also a source of hope. As recently as a decade ago, we thoughtlessly devoured the resources of the world, as if there were no end to them. We failed to realize that unchecked consumerism was disastrous for both the environment and social welfare. Now, individuals and governments are seeking a new ecological and economic order.

I often joke that the moon and the stars look beautiful, but if any of us tried to live on them we would be miserable. This blue planet of ours is a delightful habitat. Its life is our life; its future our future. Indeed the earth acts like a mother to all. Like children, we are dependent. In the face of such global problems as the greenhouse effect and depletion of the ozone layer, individual organizations and single nations are helpless. Unless we all work together, no solution can be found. Our mother earth is teaching us a lesson in universal responsibility.

...because of the lessons we have begun to learn, the next century will be friendlier, more harmonious and less harmful. Compassion, the seeds of peace, will be able to flourish. I am very hopeful. At the same time I believe that every individual has a responsibility to help guide our global family in the right direction. Good wishes alone are not enough; we have to assume responsibility. Large human movements spring from individual human initiatives." - HHDL

i think i've referenced here before: a friend of mine says that some people have 'the fire' [to work for betterment, etc.] and some people don't. i am conscious that i have the fire, and nowadays, i attempt to cultivate it. but sometimes, i slip. and when i do, it is so meaningful to me to know that there are others like me, in my city and in others across the nation and the world, striving for goodness. i drove to work today truly feeling a part of something greater. for you who so recently provided me that synergistic boost, as you have before, thank you again. may you know how much it means. i look forward to doing likewise for you and for others, when needed.

cleanse commercial of the day: someone couldn't figure out why i looked so different today and asked why i was glowing. the cleanse has totally revamped my diet. simply put: good, whole, healthy food. i saved them the speech, but knew the cause. (very) personally, i believe that my diet was not in harmony with the practices and the purifications i undertake. ive become more and more sensitive to what i put in my body & it finally began manifesting in unavoidable external ways so it was time for a change. one more step on my integrative journey, i guess. and kate is right, just when it becomes effortless - habit-forming in my case - it nears its end. here's to the 8 days i have remaining!

in unity and peace,
c.

the meaning of life (days 19 & 20)

hyacinths, forsythia, daffodils, oh my! the world is in bloom. i came home to find my house surrounded by all kinds of spring flowers and blooming trees! wow. that said, this recap is hard for me to write. im very introspective and deep in it right now as a result of all i learned this weekend. best shot while it's fresh:

rewind: thursday night - i went to yoga class the night before i left for ann arbor and the teacher was questioning when in life we cease being childlike... when we start comparing our performance, begin caring how how we look, what other people think... etc. she encouraged us to re-create that child-like curiosity and glee during our practice. i was reminded of her lesson several times this weekend, b/c i can honestly report - His Holiness the Dalai Lama possesses that child-like glee. he is soooo unbelievably happy. he radiates the same joy and happiness that make adults smile at children. everyone just grins at him. it's absolutely contagious. he's 73 and he hasn't lost his child-like radiance yet!

the above pic is the visor he donned when he got into the meat of the teachings b/c the stage lights were so bright. he is so cute. i dont normally use the word 'cute' - especially to describe senior Teachers... but this man is so undeniably cute.

ok, so to the meat. per the usual, the beauty is his, the mistakes are mine.

Engaging Wisdom & Compassion

he greeted the audience saturday and sunday in english. there are numerous monks who sit around him on stage and he reads and teaches to them in tibetan - with about 8,000 eavesdropping americans - pausing to let the english translator pick up. and boy, was the translator amazing! he would translate 10 minutes of intense teaching at a time! it made your head spin! initially, i started to mentally freak out... this is so intense! these teachings are serious! im not ready for this! ahhhh! im never gonna get anything out of this! so i gave up. and it all flooded in.

Dalai Lama Lesson #1: Don't Try So Hard.

we covered 2 buddhist texts: Commentary on Awakening Mind and In Praise of Dependant Origination. it's intense fascinating theory and im not going to go into detail here on the highlights reel...

i was reassured that the first teaching makes direct reference to a yogi's efforts at mastering one's own mind. hooray! familiar territory! Lesson # 2: its all the same...

but the highlight of the weekend, that i really want to share with you, was during his response to a question during this morning's Q&A session, which he answered in english...

(i point this out b/c the Dalai laughs and jokes in tibetan while giving discourse on the ancient, rather obscure teachings. the translator, much to my chagrin, did not interject the same humor and laughter in his translation, so you were left wondering what was so funny... once again how i wished i was multi-lingual!)

Lesson #3: Verbal communication entails much more than words

so i find it no coincidence that my most intense learning experiences arose when he taught in english. saturday, the Dalai Lama cautioned the audience against jumping on the buddhist train (ive heard him say this many times before.) he feels its best for us to remain in the religion that is closest to our culture. you could feel the audience's anguish. so this morning, one of the anonymous questions pertained to a person's dissatisfaction w/ their birth faith and their desire to follow the buddhist tradition but they were reticent based on his caution and asked for further clarification. this is his response (paraphrased)...

regardless of religion, our day to day life should be happy. inner peace. happiness. satisfaction. that's the real purpose of our life. whether there's a God or not, we're here. this is fact. and as human beings, we want to be happy, this is fact. external stimuli do not produce inner peace. cultivate inner peace. an altruistic mind is the source of all goodness. we want to live a long and healthy life. and we are social animals and will live among others. LIVE FRIENDLY. friendliness and affection breed trust. when you have trust with others, you have people with whom to share your troubles and get help. w/o these things, you will remain lonely inside. money, power, physical strength wont bring friendliness, which brings true happiness. everyone wants to be happy. be "wise selfish" not "foolish selfish." be truly affectionate and friendly to others. care about them. this is "wise selfish." foolish selfish is caring only about yourself. cultivate an altruistic heart. by our human birth, we all have the same potential. its up to us.

so yes, i cried. quite a bit. but i still managed to pay attention. ;)

i am humbled,
c.

p.s. began Walden. can't put it down.

p.p.s. why are birds SO loud before they go to bed?

one more p.s cleanse on the road did pretty well. exhaustion fading, energy returning. found a whole foods in ann arbor and made all kinds of yummy raw concoctions. i admit - i like raw. a lot. i'm spending the remainder of the cleanse month learning how to integrate all these new substitutions and yummy recipes ive learned into my daily life. its all a process. these next 2 weeks are pure transition.

cleanse goes on the road (day 18)

i'm packed! my mind that is... packed full of things that need to blow out the top of the car. i leave today for a weekend spent receiving teachings from the Dalai Lama. i get choked up about the spiritual opportunities ive been granted. early on, i questioned Why Me? my doubt has matured into knock down, drag out AWE. it's been my experience that when initially in the presence of a spiritual master, i start to cry. such love and acceptance radiates from these beings that it gets right through all the armor. i keep pinching myself: i am going to receive teachings from the Dalai Lama himself! the being that millions of people on this planet revere as the reincarnation of Buddha! i don't know why me. but i promise to do my best to stop bawling and learn as much as i can on Wisdom & Compassion for everyone's benefit.

Dedication of Merit
May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.
May all beings never be parted from freedom's true joy.
May all beings dwell in equanimity, free from attachment and aversion.

i received an email yesterday that said this:

I am aware that a group of Chinese Students have applied for permission to stage a demonstration during this weekend's teaching. We support all non-violent expression of free speech and expect anyone attending the teaching to respect that right of expression without confrontation. We do not anticipate these demonstrations to interfere with any of our programs.
-Galek Rinpoche, founder of Jewelheart

and this:

The hosting of the Olympic games this year is a matter of great pride to the 1.2 billion Chinese people. I have from the very beginning supported the holding of these Games in Beijing. My position on this remains unchanged. I feel the Tibetans should not cause any hindrance to the Games. It is the legitimate right of every Tibetan to struggle for their freedoms and rights. On the other hand, it will be futile and not helpful to anyone if we do something that will create hatred in the minds of the Chinese people. On the contrary, we need to foster trust and respect in our hearts in order to create a harmonious society, as this cannot be built on the basis of force and intimidation. - His Holiness Dalai Lama

wow. i feel firmly on the side of Truth... which further reminds me of this:

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall - think of it, ALWAYS." -Gandhi

Patty Griffin, one of my favorite singers, has a line in her song Big Love that i'm reminded of on days like toay: "Today my heart is big and sore. It's tryin' to push right through my skin."

In all that is Good and True,
c.

power vs. force (days 15 & 16)

on why i prefer to call it cleanse, not detox...

"Gandhi won in his struggle because his position was one of far greater power. The British Empire represented force, and whenever force meets power, force is eventually defeated...
The difference between treating and healing is that in the former, the context remains the same, whereas in the latter, the clinical response is elicted by a change of context so as to bring about an absolute removal of the cause of the condition rather than mere recovery from its symptoms." - David Hawkins

thus why i prefer to think about cleansing the junk out permanently and learning to replace it w/ better, as opposed to detoxifying my body, which to me has a temporary connotation. seriously, ive been sensitive to which of the 2 words to use since this all began. i read the above and it clicked.

im finding a 3-day weekday juice fast to be most challenging as im having a ridiculously stressful work week and the juice isnt providing enough "juice" for my taxed body while im at work... so both day 1 and day 2 ive taken (3) 16-oz juice concoctions to work (which have been very good!) and eaten dinner when i got home. but im so strong and determined in the morning! perhaps if i was a realist instead of an idealist, i would eat a sensible breakfast and juice the remainder of the day, instead of taxing my stomach before sleep. is my professional situation more demanding than other peoples' who have successfully done this cleanse per the directions, or am i just worse at coping. regardless of the answer, its where im at. :(

once again, how i wish i could find 30 days to focus on just this cleanse, reading, and my physical practice!!! noticing the sunshine only when racing from the car into a building for a meeting is not sufficient.

overtaxed ;),
c.

i find the cure for ice cream! (day 14)

i think they'll give me a Nobel prize for this...
or i can talk about it during my speech when they give me the Nobel for something else...
i found the cure for ice cream!
more on this later...

i went to ashtanga class tonite and felt like a 4th grader. it was hilarious to me! sitting in full lotus and trying to cram my arms through my legs started it all off... when we got to the pose called cuckoo i almost laughed louder than ever in my whole life. i skipped a lot of the flow between poses. it allows me to focus more on the actual series of poses (which im still learning) b/c it saves my strength. so Big Fat Load won out over the Overachiever but it was a tough fight, full of much mental criticism. i've blown my shoulders for days after every ashtanga class ive ever done... with the exception of tonite. thank you Big Fat Load! (anyone know how many chatturangas in the primary series? how 'bout lots!) i practiced next to kate, so my load-ness should have succeeded in making her feeling all talented & svelte. when my mind wasn't at war w/ itself, i was dreaming of ice cream. whatever happened to my focused yoga mind? i get on the mat now and food demons come up.

side story: i appreciate that adage that if you look for information to support any argument, you'll find it. i read an article in yesterday's sunday paper (which of course i can't locate by searching cleveland.com) that talks about how if you are determinedly working to improve willpower in one area of your life, it will slip in other areas. thank you scientists. i havent been as disciplined in other areas of my life while ive been busy competing for Ms. Raw Martha Stewart 2008.

back to my amazing discovery: i came home and wanted CHOCOLATE or ICE CREAM or anything sweet and creamy. uh-oh. tomorrow starts juice day. so i juiced a cucumber. it was amazing!!! and i got so excited about juicing... im not going to spend hours everyday prepping and thinking about food. my counter is clear again! look!










but i still wanted chocolate. my brain never forgot the top-shelf cupboard depths where i stashed the last of the ghirardelli choc chips. so i ate ONE. it was disgusting. the sugar was so sweet in a very bad way - it tasted acrid. hooray!!! i hate sugar! but i still wanted something... so i went back to Ani. im gonna become best friends with this girl. she is awesome!

cacao pudding my way

1/2 c. almonds to 1/4 c. water
blend/process
add ~1/8 c. shredded coconut, 1.5 pitted dates, and 1/2 tbs cocoa
process
put in freezer for a few
eat amazing version of raw(enough) ice cream.
mmmmm!

cuckoo for (raw-ish) cocoa pudding,
c.

p.s. to you who gave me pitted dates in a hospital lab specimen bag (they look like roaches) for just such a sugar emergency - thank you! you saved the night!

don't quit minutes before the miracle (days 12 &13)

the weekend was a bit physically and mentally rough. major cravings, mostly girl-inspired in nature but with a bit of im-going-to-starve-to-death-on-juice thrown in. being given time to contemplate the next cleanse step before it happens and watching the reactions is really interesting and the group meeting is very helpful to work through it. i wanted to be alone alone alone and managed that most of the weekend. very introspective. not much patience for drama or idle chatter.

spiritually, i love this experience (all of it AND the cleanse! ;) there is an intensity emerging that is a bit startling. i was Intense Yoga Teacher this weekend. i was very much able to get out of the way and be open to something Greater while i was teaching. it led to some of my students having very intense experiences of their own and they were marveling and wonderous on their way out. whatever happens during the yoga process is fascinating indeed. even more so that everyone has their own unique experience. i was so tired this weekend that i didnt get out to other yoga classes other than the ones i taught and i really missed it. i have yoga buzz w/in seconds of class starting now and it is sustained all evening long. a side effect of unadulterated oxygen when the body is clean, perhaps?

i took one meal off raw this weekend b/c after thinking about it for days, i decided my body needed it. i did it right - cloth napkins, the whole bit. made it a conscious eating exercise as opposed to succumbing to a craving. the food tasted as amazing as i had fantasized. didnt make me sick or shock my system at all. it was warm and made me satiated and pleasantly full. good exercise in recognizing what the body needed and how positively it reacted when it was provided. im doing raw today & going to start juice tonite.

i went and saw shakespeare's all's well that ends well performed live yesterday. i was so amazed by (all that memorization!) his genius as a playwright on my way out of the theater. it was written so many years ago and yet it's still so relevant AND entertaining... yet today, my yoga brain pipes up that it was written hundreds of years ago and human nature has yet to evolve beyond petty human nature & self-created drama in all that time? makes me fearful that these heinous apocalyptic dramas starring will smith will still be watched in hundred years time? ;)

i have to post one of the recipes i couldn't get enough of this weekend. its a "scramble" from Ani Phyo, a raw chef. i think its a great egg salad replacement. her book also lists the nutritional info, which is impressive in a good way.

Love-the-Chicks Pate from Ani Phyo (click for pic and more info)

2 c. dry raw almonds
1 c. dry raw sunflower seeds
2 tsps tumeric (i know it sounds like a lot. but its so good! don't scrimp!)
1/2 tsp sea salt (buy sea salt, not iodized salt. big taste diff! eat ocean!)
1/2 c. water.

food process dry; then add water.

you can stir in sesame seeds, peppers, tomatoes and other yummy vegs. if you can stop eating it w/ a spoon out of the food processor long enough to wrap it in big lettuce leaves, its yummy yummy! great summer meal that will definitely be sticking around for me.

another interesting one of hers i tried b/c i like milk in principle but not in reality is her Almond Mylk. it's neither cow nor soy - perfect for me! i changed it a bit so im going to put the recipe i used and you can click the link for her original:

Almond Mylk

1/2 c. almonds
1/2 of one pitted date (i should have used 1 or 1.5 dates but i dont want lots of sweet...)
1/2 vanilla bean, dried
pinch sea salt
~4 cups water

put in blender for a really long time.

c.'s note: almond particulates abound. may want to strain. how fun are tiny vanilla bean seeds in my milk. mmmm.

bring on the juice,
c.

p.s. gold star of the day goes to you who provided me with the above title. thanks.

a teeny light (day 11)

last night i found the one remaining cell of my being that wanted to continue with the cleanse... that really wanted to respect this process & truly give it my best effort. not sure what that says for my likelihood to continue eating so beautifully when i no longer have a cleanse goal, but that's not very present minded of me, is it?

i skipped my late afternoon piece of fruit yesterday... partially on accident, and partially to see what would happen. what happened is i realized how much i still rely on it to get thru the evening! my experiments are never-ending. (p.s. science fair update: i love sprouted lentils! they're crunchy with water, like green peppers. much better than the mush that results whenever i try to cook them.)

i have been almost constantly exhausted since day 3, but just today, im starting to catch fleeting glimpses of steady strong energy on the other side - similar to fleeting amazing meditation experiences. such momentary glimpses of Greatness are much appreciated motivation for keeping me on this path... which truly just keeps getting better and better.

future-minded all over the place today.
shanti (peace),
c.

and the courage to withstand brownies...

re-reading my excited raw grocery store post for motivation. im reaallly tired of preparing raw food half the night when i could be sleeping. isnt this what they created drive-thrus for???

hard yoga class tonite made me crankyeeeee. sugar demons came up. she asked what body part we were focusing on and i said brownies. oh boy.

god give the strength...
c.

watch your fingers! - days 9 & 10

3rd day of raw and im preparing and creating more food than ever! with some bloody repercussions... i like to observe what my reflex reactions are to things. i dropped a nice curse when i sliced my finger open last night. should have gone to bed while i was ahead. still learning. moments like this render it so much more amazing to me that when Gandhi was shot, he fell down saying Ram (his mantra - a name of God), or when i tell my gramma to talk to test her hearing aid, she starts saying the hail mary. what's your internal mantra?

and sprouting? ...it really IS fun! i can't believe im saying that either. but those crazy posts about living food are true. to see a sprout emerge from what was hard as a stone is really neat. day 1 had my chickpeas just starting little white sprouts (pic forthcoming)

day 2 meant slightly longer sprouts - and then they were pulverized into hummus. i wanted to wait for green on the sprouts, but i cant imagine letting them grow longer than 2 days b/c the sprout is fibrous and i think it could start to make the bean a little tough. i have always hated chickpeas, but i like the sprouted taste & consistency. i started sprouting lentils this morning. keep you posted.

i made the hummus with raw (of course) garlic. my sugar-loaded body despised onion and garlic, but ive had such a taste for garlic so i caved, thinking it my body's cry for immuno-defense and additional detox-ifying help... i sampled some of my handiwork before bed last night; first thing this morning, my coworker commented about my garlic smell. so in typical c. fashion, i offered it around to everyone in my vicinity so we'll all stink! :D

god's gift: avocados with a squeeze of lime, sea salt, and fresh black pepper. mmmm! next up: guac w/ fresh cilantro.

went to the doc yesterday and he was very positive about the cleanse. (note: this is my doctor, approving of it for my own body, so dont take my word for it. if you're concerned about trying it, get your own opinion. so there.) the supplements tested very well on my body. he commented that my muscles are working so much better ("like a completely different body") than when he saw me a few weeks ago. i asked him why i am so exhausted and he says im converting my body from a sugar-burning body to a fat-burning body. oh. and that it should take about 2 to 3 weeks before i stop being so tired. he always seems to tell me what i already know, i had mentally given myself a 2-3 week timeframe. i expect that i should be back to normal energy or beyond sometime next week.

thought for today from dalai lama's autobiography... he says lots of positive things about the West, but this comment after he visited NYC particularly struck me...

"Another observation is that there are a lot of people in the West who live comfortably in large cities, but virtually isolated from the broad mass of humanity. I find this very strange - that under the circumstance of such material well-being and with thousands of brothers and sisters for neighbors, so many people appear able to show their true feelings only to their cats and dogs. This indicates a lack of spiritual values, I feel. Part of the problem here is perhaps the intense competitiveness of life in these countries, which seems to breed fear and a deep sense of insecurity.

For me, this alienation is symbolized by something I once saw at the home of a very rich man whose guest I was on one of my trips abroad. It was a very large private house, obviously designed expressly for convenience and comfort, and fitted with every kind of appliance. However, when I went into the bathroom, I could not help noticing two large bottles of pills on the shelf about the hand basin. One contained tranquilizers, the other sleeping pills. This was proof, too, that material prosperity alone cannot bring about lasting happiness."

live large,
c.

laid raw (days 7 & 8)

skipped class last night to hit the healthy grocery store.

phooey on those yoga aphorisms "practice, practice, practice." and "yoga is 99% practice and 1% theory," eh?

i had to prepare for Raw Week. i mean, (!!!).

it was a rather emotional trip. a curly blond baby girl squatted down on her chubby haunches next to me (squatted down on my chubby haunches) and started marveling over little herb plants. almost cried. incredulous drive home watching that giant ball of fire drip down the sky. such gratitude.

for those of you not in the know - i loathe the grocery store. i am too impulsive to plan what my erratic palate will desire in 7 days time and even if i do plan, likely i dont ever find the time to create my masterpiece and it all goes to waste. yet i found buying raw to be rather fun and easy. [time for more (!!!)] no worries about high maintenance dairy - the milk going cold or the ice cream staying frozen. i cringed at what my bill would be and it was only $57. i attempted to buy a ton b/c i didnt want to run out of organic produce halfway through the week and my total was still roughly half of what i usually spend. it was so pretty i took a picture - note, no artistic arranging nec'y!

fearfully realizing it was time to start sprouting.(!!!) i stalled by reading a few good emails (thanks everyone!), leached their encouragement, and began. at 9pm, i set to soak: raw cashews, almonds, sunflower & pumpkin seeds, chickpeas and oat groats. (i dont know what those are either but it wasnt a vegetable and i can call it raw.) my goal is to lean a bit heavier on the oats, nuts, expeller pressed oils etc. at the beginning of the week and less later as i prepare for juice. this is my science experiment in progress:

















i took this pic while saying outloud "please god, dont let someone call to view my house." prepared food until about 11pm. are lemons & limes high in sugar? b/c squeezing them over raw sure makes everything amazing. ditto ginger (i use the garlic press.) truthfully, everything i made tasted fresh & amazing. exhausted i fell asleep.

still really hard to wake up this morning. i am an energy junkie. keep waiting for the cleanse to bring my energy up and keep it there but it comes & goes. i trust i am cleansing in ways i dont notice.

drained and rinsed everything at 7am. cashews probably soaked a little too long but weren't gross or soggy. oat groats tasted like chewy oatmeal. yum. almost forgot the chickpeas (likely subliminal) which would have botched the sprouting experiment, but i drained, rinsed, drained them and set them to sprouting!!! mesh lidded jar upside down in a colander in a bowl on the counter (if you're trying this at home.) grabbed last nights fixins', mixed up the nuts with some coconut, made a salad & the breakfast smoothie. flying around the house trying to do it all while looking presentably professional. mentally racing by the time i got in the car, and always telling myself that i am not doing enough, need to be doing more, really need to get it together, get to sleep earlier, meditate longer. ahhhh! Inner Critic, please go back to sleep! and we all do this inventory of issues, of non-issues... try to remind myself that entertaining this subtle violence against myself is not practicing true ahimsa (non-violence) but old habits die so hard...

got on the highway to find both highway options completely stopped - 4 lanes solid. i rolled down the windows and sighed. all of the madness just fell away. thank god. things beyond my control showed me how much i am trying to control everything! to do it all just so! my only goal on the cleanse was to eat healthier and more consciously. im doing that just fine. i was overwhelmed with such compassion for me, for everyone in their cars around me, for all of us... for our fortitude. our desire to keep trying. to be our best. and the eternal springing of hope. this time i cried. and laughed. it felt great - and truly cleansing.

im reminded of yoga author stephen cope's words - "everything is already ok."

notice the beauty,
c.

cleanse on the town (days 5 & 6)

nothing like a beautiful spring day and an announcement that an environmental grant i wrote will bring another $200k into cleveland to brighten one's day :)

the award inspires me to give equal nod to my mini-successes, since ive done enough self flagellation for the vegan meals i have not prepared myself: i made a great organic vegetable soup w/ wheat noodles (at 11pm last night, but hey!) and ate it in the park at lunch. tomorrow starts raw. until then, im carb loading like a marathon runner. brown rice and homemade curry w/ veggies for dinner tonite... which brings me to...

THE RETURN OF SUGAR - a mini saga

the setting: 2 different thai restaurants over the weekend w/ friends
the menus: mmmm
the truth: sugar, sugar, everywhere
the ending:
dear thai food,
i love you. your creamy mixture of subtle spiciness, coconut milk, and lime is too good to pass up. but being out in public with you this weekend really left me in a bind. i felt awful after going out with you and craved more of what you gave me all night long, making it very difficult to function. i cant give you up but its just too risky for us to continue meeting in public.
see you at my place,
c.

ordering the smallest sugar containing thai entrees both saturday and sunday night led me to intense late night sugar cravings. the cravings got Poor Me* and Deprivation screaming. i managed to shut them up w/ late night salty, vegan, not-so-healthy options but it was a close call. i almost lost when the Bargainer walked in and tried to convince me that a little bit wouldn't hurt. so begins the week i eat and eat and eat. oh to be a boy! im ready for raw. bring it on.

(*little known tidbit: buried in Jung's theories lie his not-often-discussed belief that we are all schizo.)

get cozy w/ your computer. we could be here a while.
weekend thoughts:

i was kept away from my house on saturday for realtor visits (it's for sale. going to sell any minute now...!) so i went to the park. pulled off at a lake sign ive noticed numerous times and set off through the woods to find it. there is something so fun about springtime mud, oozing and warm. i wanted to put my bare feet in it and squish my toes around. im still sad that i didnt. i was surrounded by the loudest birdsong ive ever heard. it was insane. i wonder if it could have been frogs.

[we interrupt this story for today's gold star request: i've already recycled this month's Emerald Necklace so if anyone else has it hanging around, (it's not available online) i want to see if the cacophony i experienced is explained in the section on what to look & listen for this month. yay! carol came thru! it was definitely a LOT of spring peepers. it sounds crazy! through the powers of the internet, you too can experience their collective racket! thanks!]

around the backside of the lake, i found a comfy park bench in the sun and snoozed, meditated, found myself yearning for the copy of Walden on my bookshelf that i never finished... but then i asked myself why i would sit in the midst of my own nature experience and forgo it to read someone else's??? i dont even think i need to read the whole thing. i get it. on my way out of the woods, i was literally surrounded by

















chickadees! these guys are cute. they flew circles around me. their song isn't so pretty - it's a bit awkward; wiki has a link to hear it. but being closely surrounded on all sides by their song was stereophonic-ly cool. go go, gadget senses!

my sprouting education was so enthralling (im kidding. really.) sunday afternoon that i never got to the healthy grocery store, so i had to make a late night giant eagle banana run for my breakfast smoothie. why are there so many colors on the packaging!!! they make it look way more fun than sprouting!!! it's like a circus! i dont want a circus in my bowl. i just want nourishment from healthy ingredients. i must have read 20 loaves of bread and they all had sugar. granola? sugar. crackers? sugar. ugh! is this why america is so giant and has so many health problems? i let myself get so angry and i used that fuel to abscond safely with a bunch of organic bananas i found stashed on a bottom shelf, 3" off the floor in the produce section. Outrage battled Poor Me, Deprivation, and Idealistic Sadness but emerged the clear winner.

other random cleanse notations:
- ive noticed during the past few years (since becoming a vegetarian and starting to mainline sugar?) that i carry tension in my upper back, neck, and shoulders, which are always tense and achy. i feel that draining away. thank god. other tightness and stiffness is also lessening.
- last week, my mood swings (before the Great Thai Sugar Experience) were noticeably more even keel than normal. much less dramatic or negative reactions to things.

last night, clyde talked about how our strong reactions occur as a result of one of our 5 Basic Needs (Love/Belonging, Fun, Freedom, Security, Power) not being met, and that by journaling we can begin to see which are most important to us, how we react when they aren't fulfilled, and learn healthy ways to take care of them. all 5 easily cleared the gate and are currently neck and neck rounding the first turn. stay tuned.

knawing a fork as i type this,
c.

zen & the art of sprouting

i'm trying to digest (oops - ha!) sprouting, b/c i start raw on tuesday and straight veggies aren't enough to hold my attention for 7 days. i have an hour before i have to leave for the healthy grocery store that is 40 minutes away (what kind of urban environment is this?) and i have no idea how - or truthfully why - one sprouts. i have never sprouted anything in my life, except for a failed alfalfa seed attempt when i was 20-ish... at the same time i had learned of and was growing sea monkeys with my boyfriend. (i wish i could make this stuff up.) we got in a fight. i poured the monkeys down the drain and threw the rotten sprouts in the trash. his wife is pregnant now, so likely he made the right choice, eh? now we all know why i dont have a pet... but want children? go figure.

*ahem* back on track...
i work hard to overcome genetic pack rat tendancies but it doesnt always work. meaning, i still have the glass sprouting jar w/ its screw-on mesh cover. sweet. that's all the motivation i need.

i tried to talk to other people doing the cleanse about how one goes about sprouting but the verbal assault of amount of time to soak, # of times to rinse, and acceptable timeframe for eating went in one ear and out the other, as all these variables vary based on what you're soaking. (i only play an engineer on t.v...) and their It's Easy! It's Simple! encouragements did little to sway me.

so i do what any neophyte does, and upon googling sprouting, i immediately notice lots of posts with phrases like "i heard," or "someone said." is sprouting a secret underground society w/o posted instructions? (cool.)

i hereby present to you, my sprouting manual:

Sprouting for Cynics

the following points are lifted from various, unreferenced-due-to-lack-of-time, online sprouting pages:

- Nuts and seeds naturally contain enzyme inhibitors. And by soaking them, you not only release the toxic enzyme inhibitors, but also increase the life and vitality contained within them! The purpose of these enzyme inhibitors is to protect the nut and/or seed until it has what it needs for growing (ex. sunlight, water, soil, etc.). Since the soak water will contain the enzyme inhibitors, and is very acidic to the body, please be sure to rinse your nuts and seeds well after soaking.

so removing the enzyme inhibitors through sprouting makes the soaked substance easier for your body to digest. the theory being:

-"they'll digest themselves and nourish your cells without requiring anything from your body!"

what's with all these exclamation points! and why did God create food that contains digestion prohibiting chemicals? hmmm. filed for after-death.

what do i do with these slimy soaked nuts since i dont own a dehydrator?

If you are unable to dry your nuts or seeds, only soak an amount that you can be sure to use within two or three days. For convenience, I like to soak nuts and seeds in mason jars, rinse them after 12 hours, and then if I don't have a chance to dry them, I store them in my refrigerator without a lid so that air can get to it. But it is vitally important to rinse them at least once (preferably twice) a day with fresh water, draining the water each time. Be sure to use these nuts within a few days, because as with any live food, mold tends to set in within days if you're not careful.

mmmm!!! mold. i bet that's raw.

this is starting to seem like a lot of food maintenance, which i am still learning...

- "If i had just one piece of healthy advice to give to a person, it would be to eat a lot of sprouts. People who do are so much healthier. There's only one way to prove this for yourself, and that is to try it for yourself."

random non-medical zealots scare me but never fear, your guinea is here!

i have no idea where people procure some of these substances they soak(!). so i'm going to stop trying to live up to my so nicknamed Overachiever tendencies and start small. i'm going to attempt to sprout chickpeas & lentils. i'm also going to soak raw nuts and compare eating soaked versus unsoaked raw nuts.

this is becoming a science fair project. (it would have been much cooler than the Singing Wineglasses that i did in 7th grade...) my hypothesis is that i won't notice much difference in how soaked vs. unsoaked make me feel b/c i'm not the best test case. i eat raw and roasted nuts constantly, so im already acclimated to the digestive work needed to process and they dont bother me anymore.

garbanzo beans (chickpeas) soak 12 to 18 hours, sprout 1.5 days
lentils soak 8 to 14 hours, sprout 1 day

ok, i need more hand-holding than that, so im posting the step-by-step below.

walnuts soak 12 hours
pecans soak 8 hours
almonds soak 12 hours
cashews (rumored to get soggy if longer than) 4 to 5 hours

wish me luck. keep you posted on the outcome of my science fair project: To Sprout or Not to Sprout(!!!!)

i heart the internet.
c.

p.s. gold star question of the day: my mac laptop doesn't have Home and End keys and it's killing me. if anyone knows the Home and End key sequence equivalents on a Mac keyboard, you get the gold star for today!

Garbanzo Beans

Sprouting Instructions
Yields approximately 1 Cup (1/2 lb.) of Sprouts

Put 1/2 Cup of seed* into a bowl or your Sprouter.
Add 2-3 times as much cool (60-70°) water.
Mix seeds up to assure even water contact for all.
Allow seeds to Soak for 8-12 hours.

Empty the seeds into your sprouter if necessary.
Drain off the soak water.

Rinse thoroughly with cool (60-70°) water
and Drain thoroughly.

Set anywhere out of direct sunlight and at room temperature (70° is optimal) between Rinses.

Rinse and Drain again in 8-12 hours.
And, once more...
Rinse and Drain again in 8-12 hours.
And, perhaps once more...
Rinse and Drain in 8-12 hours.

Lentil

Sprouting Instructions
Yields approximately 1 Cup (1/2 lb.) of Sprouts

Put 1/2 Cup of seed* into a bowl or your Sprouter.
Add 2-3 times as much cool (60-70°) water.
Mix seeds up to assure even water contact for all.
Allow seeds to Soak for 8-12 hours.

Empty the seeds into your sprouter if necessary.
Drain off the soak water.

Rinse thoroughly with cool (60-70°) water.

Note: Orange Lentils produce starchy water. They won't sprout too well unless you get rid of it - so Rinse and Rinse and Rinse until the water runs clear. It can take a little while - but don't skimp.

Every Rinse is the same with Orange Lentlis: Rinse and Rinse and Rinse until the water runs clear.

Drain thoroughly.

Set anywhere out of direct sunlight and at room temperature (70° is optimal) between Rinses.

Rinse and Drain again in 8-12 hours.
And, once more...
Rinse and Drain again in 8-12 hours.
And, perhaps once more...
Rinse and Drain in 8-12 hours.

spirit is holding you - day 3 pm

(because we all secretly wish we played the nose flute...)

wow! the body really ramps up. it's fascinating to my analytical mind to watch my body accomplish yoga poses effortlessly during this cleanse that i have tried for *years* to do. so my body has understood/known how to do them all along and i had too much else for the body to contend with? hmmm...

drove home top down and it started raining. alive! smelling the rain made me realize how intensely my sense of smell has returned. it smelled soooo amazing. it made my mouth start to water. (wha?) i was breathing soooo deeply to get as much smell as i could. made me think... if we dull our bodies with poor diet, including dulling our senses like smell... it makes sense that we'd breathe more shallowly, since we're unaware of the good & stimulating smells, right... and less oxygen further dulls the body processes... cyclical? just thoughts.

maybe i'll use my new nasal powers to take up the nose flute! ;)

exhausted bliss,
c.

virtues & vices - day 3

if you see me today, cross the street.

i want to cop out and blame the anger on my liver (anger said to happen during liver detoxification) but that's lame.

i also feel very egotistical & narcissistic blogging about my cleanse experience.

ive been contemplating one of allen ginsberg's stories (i know i've told at least one you this story... my apologies for the repeat)

to paraphrase:
allen ginsberg was a devout buddhist; Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche was his teacher. as he was preparing for a meditation retreat, his teacher observed him readying his pencils and paper and inquired. allen commented that he was excited to clear his mind while meditating and record the beautiful thoughts that emerged in the silence.
his teacher instructed him not take any pencils or papers but to 'just sit,' saying that the thoughts allen had in meditation were no better or worse than thoughts he had any other time, but it was his ego trying to capture, mold, analyze the experience. if he was focusing on & entertaining his thoughts, he was missing the whole point.

so maybe i should just allow the cleanse experience to happen instead of recording it? my anger today is no different than my anger any other day.

i was also interested to learn that some buddhist monks are not allowed to take notes when they listen to their teachers, believing that they then get all caught up in the note-taking (handwriting, spelling, grammar, doodling, etc.) and miss the point. instead the theory is that they will absorb exactly what they need on that given day, and maybe get something entirely different from the same lecture on a different day. neat.

Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche also instructed allen to "take a friendly attitude toward your thoughts" which is what im attempting to do here... so i will attempt to mindfully continue and hope that it helps encourage someone to do something new and different towards challenging themselves and risking change!

to task:
saw faith at class last night. she was sparkly. the rest of the group is a week ahead of me and started on raw foods yesterday. i learned that raw extends well beyond vegetables, and include soaking dry lentils & beans. i always make mush out of cooking lentils anyways, so im excited to try soaking them... 2 cleanse thoughts: 1. i never would have tried *any* of these ways of eating w/o the commitment to the overall. i've always wondered what it would be like to eat vegan or raw... if i would feel different energetically and be able to sustain the diet, so it's a fun opportunity. 2. you're not in it alone. the group energy is very cool & sustains one through the lazy moments of wanting to grab whatever is on hand. much exchange of ideas, foods, motivations, experiences, etc.

overall, on day 3, i feel normal. hmmm... i sense the supplements are what is really nourishing my body right now, preventing me from experiencing harsh bad-diet-withdrawal side effects. having that need and desire for instant gratification, i need to recall that this too is a process. as mom says, patience child.

now,
c.

sunshine on my mind

just so you know, sugar is in EVERYTHING.

i met Fabulous at sushi86 for lunch. because Rachel - the sushi chef's wife - is so fantastic, she apprised me that sushi rice is soaked in sweet rice vinegar or some other pretty name for sugared vinegar. she wonderfully made my veggie sushi with regular rice. sugar in the seaweed salad - check! yep, EVERYTHING.

so i successfully accomplished sushi w/o meat, sugar, or tofu. rock on. btw, in case you live under a rock, sushi86 on public square has the best sushi in town and is run by one of the coolest families on earth. support them! if you want something special, call ahead and she will hook your ass up. sorry, can't stop swearing. mom says ladies don't swear. can't decide if i should still be entertaining this lady charade or cleaning up my mouth... mom, i'm kidding!

it's 4pm and i feel good today. ditching the capsules and shooting the Lawn Water seem to work for me. can't wait to practice tonite!

turn your face up to this glorious sunshine, give thanks that you can, and soak it up!
c.

p.s. Act Now! Take advantage of this AMAZING, absolutely FREE, limited time* offer! You can cook a vegan meal this week or prepare a raw feast for me next week and get my enjoyable company Absolutely Free! Call now! Busy yoginis are standing by! *Offer expires 4/30/08

april fool's - day 1 reflections

interestingly, and quite fittingly, april 1 has always been a very spiritually auspicious day for me. fitting, no? ;) i see it as one more manifestation of Divine play (called leela - though my spelling may be off.) i received my meditation initiation on april 1st. this picture was taken at the ashram in october.

whenever i drink the psyllium to cleanse my colon, i ponder (you know you ponder while drinking colon cleansing substances too!) a few years back when i had some internal medical probs and asked the doctor if i should change my diet. i recall him saying that it 'didn't matter much' and i was really unsettled by that. doesnt take the chemistry-lover in me to know that fuel drives the reaction, right? it all starts with what we put in our bodies. interestingly enough, i recently learned that diets rich in sugar can contribute to colon problems later in life. ever since i started to seriously practice a few years ago, and the diet cleaned up as an offshoot to my dedication, all those problems have vanished. i hear pee wee herman singing 'connect the dots, lalalalala..."

thank god for my friends, b/c i was the most obnoxious prima donna yesterday on day 1 and they were amazing. the Trinity convened & i had my vegan dinner cooked for me. when that happened, something clicked and i found ease again. thanks, s. and thanks for keeping me positive, too. i make faces at you but i deeply and profoundly appreciate it!

i went to tiiu's class last night. great sangha (community). lots of friends in class which always make the energy feel so much more cozy to me. felt borderline obnoxious b/c i couldnt stop laughing and i felt like a big distraction. i don't know what it is about her - she just makes me laugh! the good healthy loud and deep kind of laugh that leaves you feeling cleansed. such an enjoyable class. yoga w/ the body revved up is outstanding!

day 1 observances
physical: i felt pretty amazing all day but got very nauseous late afternoon. i contribute it to the green kamut, which im now doing as morning and evening shots instead of in my water all day long. i like to drink pure water! and the gelatin capsules. ick. my veggie tummy no like-y. so im now emptying the contents prior to ingesting.
psychological: this had best stop being a verbal cleanse soonly. i can hold nothing back. it all just comes shooting out. the love, the bitter, all of it. and i spontaneously laughed all day long. obviously, i have too much pent up joy. ;) reminds me of some 6th grade aphorisms i read yesterday, one of which was: "it's all so funny. how can you not be laughing?" i concur!

big fat love,
c.

Day 1: "it ain't easy bein' green" - Kermit

my stomach is revolting, i don't mean ugly, i mean unhappy.

it's this wheatgrass additive i have to use to make Fresh Cut Lawn water. i really like to drink water and i really like fresh cut grass. but not together. i'll take my water sans grass clippings, thank you very much (said like my sister Mary). thank god for peppermint tea to calm the stomach uprising. (it's green. it fits the theme.)

i received the following prayer when i did my first ever 3-day (ha! light weight! ego, shhh!) brown rice mono-fast:

Affirmation to My Body

I recognize you are the temple in which my spirit and my creative energy dwell.
You are my responsibility to care for. I have the ability to make you ill or healthy.
I must offer you the most alive, healthiest food (collected from my lawn mower... *ahem* sorry) so that you may continue to sustain my creative energy, my spirit and my soul.
I have created you from my need to have my spirit manifest on earth, so that I may have this time to learn and grow.
I offer this food to you with love and sincere desire for you to remain free from disease and disharmony.
I accept you as my own creation.
I need you.
I love you.

this cleanse is accompanied by a lot of supplements. generally, i subscribe to the same theory as my new hard core doctor - that nutrients are best obtained from fresh food, not supplements and bottles - but one thing i will pay attention to on this fast is how much food i eat, assuming im getting a wealth of nutrients from all the supplement sources. if the body is getting maximum fuel, volume has to decrease. thank god b/c while i loooooove eating, there are many times where my psychotic yogini self just wants to practice but im forced to feed the body, which kills my practice inclination. seems logical that if i eat smarter, i can eat less. (more on the medical theme later, i promise.)

speaking of psychotic yogini, i recall telling a yogi friend about a boyfriend who snottily remarked to me that "With you, it's all about yoga." together we shrugged and simultaneously said "what else is there?" beware. from this entry forward, you are entering the yoga realm. no more apologies. just spirit.

"Prayer is not an act of worship merely, the bending of
the knee on set occasions, and offering petitions in
need. It is an attitude of soul, opening the life on
the Godward side, and keeping free communication
with the world of spirit." -- Hugh Black

buddhist humor: so if first thought is best thought, is my last thought my worst thought? ;)

god, bless my efforts.
om amen.
c.