(re)dedicated

reflections after 3 weeks on retreat, or remembrances of forgotten teachings, more like:

dedication. oh yeah. i seem to have forgotten about that. got kinda caught up in the mind & started drifting from my physical practice. recall that practice means every day, regardless of mood, weather, circumstance. every day until their is no longer discernible difference between days & until the body overtakes the mind's kvetching that body is sore, too weak, tired, etc. no more mind limiting body.

at same time, less strict with myself. being on retreat means understanding there is nothing to do except be there & taking the experience in stride. so returning home shouldnt mean constantly analyzing where i should be at, what i should be doing, and obsessing over this. being home should be the same experience... be here now, take the experience in stride, do what needs to be done & look for opportunity to improve or help. calmness. acceptance.

im still scared of greatness. *sigh* im scared of amazing relationships... divine ones, human ones... terrified. the minute the beauty starts, so does my self-sabotaging inner critic. must detach & let all of them happen... approaching the divine relationship with gratitude, humbleness, and a continued commitment to repeatedly show up & see what happens. also learning to approach human relationships w/ the same attitude i approach difficult yoga asanas... ive been here before, i havent hit the pose before, this could be the day i get it - or not - and so i will keep on. detached.

dedication to commit to my present actions & do best to make present actions positive. previous actions having gotten me where i am, dedicating to right action in hopes of optimal future placement and growth. but again, detached.

dedication to the buddhist mindset of taking action as though my action really matters & really changes the world & then laughing to think that my actions really matter at all. detachment.

dedication to practices that allow me to experience God... and the firm acknowledgment that this is why - the ONLY why - that i partake in them.

dedication that the only reason i am alive is to know God. everything else is a detail.

dedication to this path i find myself on. acknowledging that its more severe than might be fitting for most, but that it works for me, that i love & ultimately enjoy it, and that i feel it infinitely valuable and worthwhile for my time & efforts. an end to the analysis & a commitment forward. gratitude.

with dedication,
c.

"In true freedom and happiness we like whatever we do, but we do not always do whatever we like." - Swami Nirmalananda