"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. My optimism, then, does not rest on the absence of evil, but on a glad belief in the preponderance of good and a willing effort always to cooperate with the good, that it may prevail. I try to increase the power God has given me to see the best in everything and every one, and make that Best a part of my life . . . No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit." - Helen Keller

april 1st begins it anew

RENEGADE CROCUSES


There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
—Louis L’Amour, American novelist

... or woman

IF.....

IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!' If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

p.s. "be careful not to shit on yourself."

i'm scared.

coming back to oneself
integration resuming
after a period of forced separation
is an intense emotional experience
i try for gentleness w/ myself

as my own stuff bubbles up
im again able to befriend others
which was impossible
during such self preservation

i feel so little so small so unprepared
i feel so bogged down by so many belongings from when i thought stuff mattered
i feel terrified b/c god keeps screaming at me to do this work
and what if i fail???

as i watch india documentaries and see more pics from a friend's motherland journey
the realization that i am an egotistical american is hard
ive got it so easy in comparison & yet i display a fear that the impoverished don't
b/c they dont have a choice about how they survive
and i do

today is a glorious warm sunny spring day
one of the first
that finally feels like the world is warming
and i dont want it to!
said like the petulant child i feel

i just want to stay in this dark winter cave
surrounded by dust & its bunny progeny
and not let this little seed sprout
vulnerability
scary to feel like i only get one shot
and what if i miss?

growth hurts.

ego gets pissed at its inability to stop the passage of time
though i know that time passing is the only way the answer will be revealed

packing up the contents my life yet again
reflecting on where i thought i'd be and how i'm nowhere close
ego again angered
asks whats the point of laying plans & setting goals
when im just a pinball anyways

time to tune out the bells & flashing lights of this game
find the silence within
the Widsom that dwells there
once again, throw this life as Its feet
and offer it up
c.

today's motivation

If one's life is simple, contentment has to come. Simplicity is extremely important for happiness. Having few desires, feeling satisfied with what you have, is very vital: satisfaction with just enough food, clothing, and shelter to protect yourself from the elements. And finally, there is an intense delight in abandoning faulty states of mind and in cultivating helpful ones in meditation. - HHDL

my experiment in the above ways of living is about to fully commence. keep you posted. ;)
c.

pre-birthday introspection

i turn 32 tomorrow. i present to us my pre-birthday introspection, brought to you in part by Dalai Lama Renaissance, a documentary i saw last night and several other books to be discussed... settle in. ;)

i did not know that on the annual March 10th anniversary of his escape from the Chinese occupation of Tibet, His Holiness the Dalai Lama (HHDL for short) issues a "March 10 Statement." yesterday marked the 50th anniversary... here i was unknowingly on the anniversary watching his visage on the screen... and on a full moon to boot. no coincidences, remember?

a pause for March 10th consideration. HHDL fled his Tibetan compound at the age of 24 (?) under cover of night, dressed like a soldier. he trekked for 3 weeks through the mountains to India, hoping they would grant he & his entourage amnesty. he found refuge in dharamsala, india here:


















wow.

i recall reading something last week about meditating in such landscape... along the lines of such vastness in the physical landscape, mountains & endless sky, makes it easy to find the vastness of the Divine that resides within. double wow.

an excerpt from this year's HHDL March 10th statement - emphasis mine:

"I always say that we should hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Whether we look at it from the global perspective or in the context of events in China, there are reasons for us to hope for a quick resolution of the issue of Tibet. However, we must also prepare ourselves well in case the Tibetan struggle goes on for a long time. " - HHDL, March 9, 2009

the man has lived the past 50 years in exile and he is preparing for it to last 'for a long time.' amazing.

i remember being younger and ignoring the Free Tibet stickers i saw, because what could i, as an American, hope to influence? i think the Chinese brutality has gotten more extensive global coverage lately and i personally have a greater understanding of what's happening, but still, what can i hope to influence?

3 words

Made In China

oh.

conscious consumerism - there is something i can do.

so back to the movie - premise is HHDL convenes 40 of the world's greatest thinkers to 'solve the problems facing the world.' when assembled, he explains that the biggest problem facing humanity today is lack of value for human life. coming from the man who when asked if the Chinese make him angry answers "sometime, little angry" and who i've witnessed greet every single human being w/ the same level of interest, respect, and pleasure, i was floored to hear him speak directly to Americans regarding "why do you think that every year you must make more money?," reminding that our rampant consumerism & increasing wealth continues to deplete resources & money for other people around the globe. his pointing out that we MUST have a responsibility to future generations for our present actions soothed my conscience. (meaning defined: i think about this. i feel crazy for thinking about this. kindred soul. *big sigh*)

interestingly enough, when a participant suggests HHDL request a global trade sanction with China, he refuses the idea, citing that he does not wish to impose economic hardship on the citizens of China. triple wow.

he definitely has an continued impact on me & at least for a short-time, reinstates my ability to look at everyone equally & cease the automatic judgements.

i was drawn to a book written by one of the participants called Your Money or Your Life so i went & found it on my lunch hour - along w/ travel books for Italy & Bali. Eat, Pray, Love Tour '09? i think its just the information i need to balance the financial opinions im currently re-evaluating about the work i want to do, how i want to make a "living," how much money and how many things i truly need, etc.

when i encountered a psychic at age 18, she told me that i would never have a lot of money, but i would always have just enough. that was fine by me then. did my opinion change? when? why?

thoughts bred from all this: perhaps this economic recession is a symptom of a disease - and we wont get better by treating the symptom. we have known for some time that our economic model is not sustainable & gov't injections will only prolong the natural course of things. my children will likely not grow up with the same economic status quo i did, w/ the same expectations for a degree, career, house, 2-car garage, 2.5 kids, get a new one at walmart-mentality, that i did. and i think that's good & nec'y - but it's going to be uncomfortable change. and one that we need to stay flexible to survive - on all levels.

my desire to travel is a need to expand my understanding beyond America... how do other cultures deal with this, plan for their future careers & retirement accounts? i dont think US stock market trends are helpful anymore. we've never seen this before. and short of another dot com invention (in which the US would likely be surpassed by China & India talents anyways), we've got to look for another solution.

what is the answer? a global economic model? is that too utopian? or too marxist?

i also stopped at a book store to see about getting my Floridian friend Dan an autographed book for his collection. i was handed "Your Erroneous Zones" autographed by the author Wayne Dyer. (sorry Dan, i'm keeping this one...) dated 4/1/76, my spiritual birthday a year before i was born, and inscribed telling the previous owner to "Be Here Now!, - Wayne W. Dyer" the title of another book that i can honestly say "changed my life," the synchronicity was apparent. im now thinking i have plenty of literary help on hand to aid in my transition. interestingly enough, paging thru Dyer's book, published in 1976, i chuckled to notice his concern over the national economy & hope that the President would make it all better.

as i think of reading for the answers, im again reminded that if i would just let myself sit silently for awhile, i have all the answers i need within.

this year, i wish for wellness, stillness, love, and "enough money."
"god bless me." - paramahamsa prajnananda
c.

commiseration... i mean, support!

"I love using the egg as the symbol of beginnings, because our beginnings are often ugly, tender, and fragile as a newborn bird. in March, spring itself often emerges with a battered look, wobbling between freezing rain, sudden snows, and periodic sun-filled days. the erratic March weather allows us to ruminate on what we would like to begin..." - from Herbal Rituals by Judith Berger