tonight tonight

i learned a lot this week... a lot about my body, about healing it and nurturing it. a lot about patience as i work with an injury that has dramatically altered my yoga practice as i know it... temporarily, i hope. i marvel as it is already strengthening other parts of me, physical and beyond. perhaps sometimes the limitation does become the strength. my perceived physical & emotional injuries are surely blessings because the doorways opening up are taking me even deeper. i learned a lot about the ways i hold myself back, the excuses i make, and the stories i tell myself. i rid myself of the lies ive been feeding myself for quite some time and finally, truly tuned into my heart. rediscovering what it's like to live from this place of joy, intensity, beauty, and synchronicity that i had lost has truly brought me back home to myself. i was reminded of the important lesson that our experience is defined by what we choose to see. the past is now, the pain is now, the beauty is now, the great big love is now, it's all right here, right now. being present.

mom was right (again). there is nothing like a man that can dance. tonight i danced the night away with the best partner ive had since my father. he danced me all across the floor, he twirled me, he spun me, he moved me, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, he bowed to my curtsy after every song... and as my hair spun out behind me during the last song of the night, i tuned in to hear frank singing... "if i can, make it there, i'll make it, anywhere.... it's up to you New York, New Yoooooork..." tears leaking, heart open, i realized that im done analyzing it. this scorecard i've been carrying around doesn't matter. i don't care if i made it there. because i'm here. and i wouldn't be where i am, right here, right now, without all of the very necessary, very painful experiences of this previous year. between songs, my dance partner with Down's Syndrome shared with me his dream to be on Dancing with the Stars. i learned so much from his lead. god in oh so many forms.

i knew i would arrive at this place of understanding eventually, but it took a while for me to get here on my own & i doubted frequently along the way. all of it had to happen exactly as it happened. much gratitude for all of it. just in time for a gleaming bright 2010... out with the old...

hey god, i'm ready.
c.

(don't) take your seat

as i struggle with not reacting to the latest non-funny bit of lila in my life & turn another corner on the path, the first piece of yoga advice i stumble upon is this - twice in 1 day from different sources:

"The obstacles in our path are the path. Every time we stretch beyond our resistance and our fear, we make a choice for life. And every time we choose life, fear loses its grip on us. We all know more than we think we do and we are stronger than we believe ourselves to be. We come to our mats, and to our lives, to learn by going where we have to go." - Rolf Gates

changin' habits

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

3:59am

"to wear out one's intellect in an obstinate adherence to the individuality of things, not recognizing the fact that all things are one - this is called Three in the Morning." - Taoist philosopher Chuang Tzu (275 B.C.)

4am: realizing things are not separate, but One...

it is said to be the ability to face the time between 3 and 4am in the middle of the night that holds the seed, the purpose, the illumination, in our human journey.

Three in the Morning

the pursuit of truth
is the loneliest path
i have ever known.

Mahasamadhi Day

today marks the 7th anniversary (12/3/2002) of Hariharananda's, my Teacher's guru, mahasamadi. mahasamadhi is when an enlightened one consciously & intentionally leaves his body for the final time. i don't know how else to convey that this is different than death...

here is a video of him discussing the benefits of Kriya Yoga, filmed just a few years before he died at the Kriya Yoga ashram in Homestead:

you know what this means...

act I
full moon light
shining in the skylight
lights up the bed

act II
i think of the things you said
you could not allow to happen
every time those things happen pleasantly to me

intermission
soup is being served
in the lobby
for a free donation

act III
as though i could ever forget
your birthday
happy birthday!!!