i've been aware of numerous occasions lately where i've worked or prayed hard for something, and find myself resisting it when it appears.
what is that about?
staying present doesn't just mean being present through the hard parts and it certainly doesn't mean looking at the good parts with a cynical eye, awaiting demise, as a form of protection.
i realized as i drove through the snowy world on my way to work this morning: I'M HAPPY! it's been a bit of a struggle to find my way & my place this year...
and here i am, a few days from the end of '08, finding myself in a really good spot...
not fearing, resisting, questioning, or trying to ruin it
but accepting, thanking, enjoying
i know change is constant
i also recognize the complicated defense mechanisms i construct out of fear
and its those that i will now resist
once again allowing myself...
giving myself permission...
to be happy
c.
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