i go crazy

oh my. im really deep in this hafiz stuff. i had an appointment today that was an hour late. so i sat and read the entire volume of Hafiz's poems I Heard God Laughing straight through, deciding this uninterrupted experience was the reason for the lateness. sitting there alone, i laughed out loud more times than i can count, with hand crossed over my chest - that unconscious mannerism i find myself doing when something touches me deeply. i bookmarked every other page. i resonated with his insights about loving and dancing madly, and about being curious if people that society deems 'crazy' are really the people who see the beauty and the love and if those of us who go about our daily business silently w/ such seriousness aren't truly the crazy ones...?

stopped at a store on my way home. came out to a furious summer thunderstorm. stuffing everything in my bag, i set out and was absolutely drenched halfway to the car. so i stopped walking. and i stood there. water streaming. thunder cracking. sky racing. oh, the power! and i started laughing. drunk on hafiz. drunk on cooling water after days of heat. drunk on feeling the moment so thoroughly instead of rushing through it. i came home, dropped my bag, walked dripping through the house, out the back door, and continued standing in the rain in the backyard til i felt all the junk was washed away.

life feeling heavy? taking yourself too seriously? feeling down on your lot? mind replaying not entirely pleasant notions? criticizing yourself too strongly? i highly recommend a rain shower as treatment. guaranteed to ease the seriousness and wash away the angst.

shifting up the normal patterns is definitely freeing.

had a good conversation with a friend. voiced: they have to check in periodically to make sure they are pushing themselves hard enough. decided i need to periodically check in to make sure that i dont push myself for the remainder of june. its time for space - and the clarity, creativity, and new experiences that arises when that is allowed to happen naturally.

and just before retiring, thoughts running through my head about an upcoming meeting, i kept reading, knowing the wisdom i sought was there, and found this (disastrously edited):
"you are most powerful, most effective, when you are completely yourself. but don't try to be yourself. that's another role. it's the wrong question, implying you have to do something to be yourself. you are yourself already. stop adding unnec'y baggage. give up defining yourself (whoa.) to yourself or to others. you are enough. in essence, you are neither inferior nor superior to anyone."

see? nothing to worry about.

arms wide,
c.

p.s. a bit of bapa-ji wisdom, from a dear friend of mine, lest i forget the jewels:

what will you do with that prana you create through your practice? learn to apply it correctly, or you will apply it incorrectly to the aspects, habits, etc. that don't need strengthened.

the first yoga pose is to sit. comfortably. if you must shift, shift. you cannot quiet the mind if the body is uncomfortable. you need not sit perfectly still. sit comfortably. (my parallel, likewise, if something isnt working in life, shift it. dont hold yourself too firm, thinking it will become a good situation.)

when the kitchen gets hot, stay in the kitchen!

keep looking up!