end of week 1

(and no, that's not me, just slightly how i feel ;)

i am
constrained
ungrounded
unbalanced
strong
powerful
yet (still!) slightly mentally self-defeating

where, oh where, does that last one come from? and what is the benefit???

i should probably start painting just to see what comes out

this is the first strong internet connection ive had... perhaps b/c its the first time ive had a thoughts that i could put to words... tis why i havent written to anyone or posted.

to expound on the above: yogini power moving to a new city is interesting. you cant very well walk into new situations, new relationships, and unleash it all. so you hold it back. and when you're not used to holding it back, you end up feeling emotionally constrained, creatively repressed, and even somewhat compromised. friday evening yoga classes are good for letting that go.

i've realized - but never fully, b/c you can never fully realize until you no longer have it - just how many absolutely amazing friends and connections and social opportunities - and the sangha! - that i had in cleveland. it doesnt end, but its good challenge to re-create that in a new immediate environment.

the sense of divine connection and connectedness that i had before i left cleveland are still present but fuzzy, a bit topsy-turvy. a conversation last night left me feeling adrift, misunderstood... until talking to the teacher after class tonite, i heard many of things i said yesterday echoed back to me. hello divinity! welcome home! made me laugh to receive the messages back. ok, loud & clear!

book im reading spoke of a swami in india born in the shadow of a mountain who never strayed more than 2 miles from his birthplace his entire loooong life. hmmm... im 210 miles.

who loves their comfort zone, baby? i do, i do. dont we all. stagnating, boring, unchanging comfort zones.

life as practice... means that the asana practice becomes a clearing of the mental and emotional cobwebs, rather than the whole focus. its a re-fueling, a re-charging, a pit stop, that allows you to head back out into it.

in a way, im living out my ashram/monastery fantasy smack dab in the middle of downtown buffalo, sirens screaming by. that makes me giggle. that and the fact that im setting up my apartment like a 6 year old would. its like a tree house. i sold my tv... which in our culture is the focal point of the living room... so it was fun to entertain what replaces that... who wants to look into the house? or at the brick fireplace? so i put the couch smack dab in the center of the room and turned it to look out the window - b/c that's what i want to look at! and there is no one to tell me im ridiculous. furniture arranging has never been my strong suit - but maybe now that im arranging furniture solely so it makes me happy, im learning how to do it.

on the yoga studio wall tonite: 'Grant that I may have appropriate difficulties on this journey to awaken my heart.' warriors, unite.

giggle quote of the week: "be realistic. expect a miracle." - Osho

remember that its all a game. dont attach. keep playing as best you can.

my love & thx to D. couldnt have made the move w/o you!
c.